Change "money" and "pay" to "sex" and "sleep with", and change "the cage" to "emotional deprivation and emotional neglect" and "verbal abuse" and "psychological punishment."
Frank posted this earlier on his wall. I am now sharing with the above mentioned changes.
That is a simplified view of what sexual abuse entails and how being a sex slave was.
You can always count on a psychopath with narcissistic personality disorder to come up with creative ways to use you for his own egotistical needs!
So basically, I was never allowed to say "no" or to turn him down. Doing so would result in threats, emotional neglect, purposefully not giving affection, and a whole slew of other things, like subjugating me to pornographic material, trying to brainwash me to do certain types of sexual favours, complaining and criticising my sexual performance and shaming my body, etc.
He was clever though. You see, not only was all this very gradual, because there was so much love-bombing at the beginning that when he began depriving me, it was at such calculated moments, I'd take all I could get. But when the threats began, and then using a past occurrence where I could not be sexually intimate to justify not wanting to give me the affection that I needed, he TRAINED me to OBEY! I was so scared, so I obeyed, almost every time. Thus he would not FORCE me directly. It was COVERT. And he COERCED me.
If I didn't feel well, too bad, punishment would follow. If I turned him down, punishment would follow. So, sick, feverish, or healthy, I would give into his demands because I did not want him to say no to me when I would be the one to initiate. Except that he WOULD say no to me.
And he had other commands too. He wanted me to do this or that, or dress like this or that, and perform this way or that. Most of it, I would do it. There were a few things though that I refused to do or just could not do, and while he might have insisted for some, for others, he let it lay to rest.
In this way, he got me to be his sex slave, wearing what he wanted me to, doing my hair and makeup how he wanted me to, standing the way he wanted me to, and performing the things in bed he wanted me to, when he wanted me to, how he wanted me to do them. He was the master and I was the slave. If he didn't like how I was dressed, he would make me change. Same thing with makeup.
The abuser told me that I would never be able to satisfy any man and thus any man would be allowed to cheat on me, that I deserved only that, and that I owed him for not doing it. He told me I would never find anyone who would be satisfied by me and stay with me. Sometimes I have a little "in your face" moment when manage to rid myself of such fears that the trauma engenders today, because I have exactly what I wanted which he said I would never have.
I keep striving for emotional freedom. The abuser didn't try to cross the line many times, whatever line there actually was, or semblance of. He tried a few things that I was adamant or angry about and never carried through. Once he crossed a line and it woke me up. I'm not ready to share story yet, but it jolted me all right, and I left him, thus freeing myself of the enslavement.
If you think about it, it's all very disgusting, really. It took a long time for me to love my body again and to be at ease sexually with a partner, comfortable to initiate, able to say no. I still feel guilty though sometimes, but today I get tons of reassurance when I need it and ample hugs and kisses I don't even have to ask for.
For those reading this who don't know me very well, my husband is Frank whom I mention above, who treats me very well and with whom I have a healthy marriage and relationship. The abuser (secondary psychopath with NPD) is no longer in my life and I have not seen or spoken to him in a decade. I am still healing a lot of the wounds, and have already come a long way. Opening up has not been easy all the time, but it is liberating and I hope that what I share may help others along on their journey who have experience, or are currently experiencing, sexual abuse.
I don't know what to comment out after reading your text, but I was feeling that I should comment something (especially as no one did so far). You shared a lot about yourself here, and I can indeed imagine this is not easy. I can only hope time will help to get all wounds cured. But this, only the future will be able to tell. Good luck!
Thanks! I feel that it's important for me to share now that I am able to because if someone else is living something like what I did, to know this stuff is important. Had I known back then, I probably would have recognised what was happening to me sooner. It's tough when you're in it and someone who is abused can feel so scared. If my story can help even just one person with what they're living, then it was worth sharing.
Thank you for commenting and showing your support :)
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