I am going to be vulnerable in this post. Please bear with me.
My husband and I got married in October 2012, and I was 29 years old. My sister, @dynamicshine, couldn't come to my wedding because, at that time, there was no way I could sponsor her to come to Australia. I would have loved for her to be my maid-of-honour. So I chose my first cousin as my matron-of-honour instead. I had 3 other bridesmaids. All of them looked really stunning. I wish I could post their photos here on Steemit, but because I respect their privacy, I just can't post their photos without asking for their permission.
But yes, they all looked stunning! They wore a royal blue dress and each one also carried a bouquet of white flowers as they walked down the aisle before me. I am truly blessed to have relatives living in South Australia, which has made me feel less homesick over the years ever since I moved here.
Matron-of-Honour: Margie
Margie is one of my best cousins and one of my best friends here in Australia. She has taught me how to adjust and adapt to the Aussie way of life. When I didn't use to understand my husband's sense of humour, I'd get easily offended, but Margie would encourage me and reassure me that John would never mean anything bad by what he said. It's just how Aussies would say some words or express their thoughts.
Margie married her husband in 2009, a couple of months before I arrived in Australia for the first time. They are now blessed with 2 children, 1 girl and 1 boy. My niece was born in 2010, and I got to hold her when she was still a baby. My nephew was born in 2011. I love Margie's kids with all my heart. They're adorable and they are always thrilled to see me because it doesn't happen very often. Their house is in Arno Bay, which is about one-and-a-half hours drive from where I live.
Bridesmaid No. 1: Jennifer
Jennifer is my niece. Her mum and I are second cousins. She was born and raised in Lucena City, Philippines and moved to Australia when she was 9 or 10 years old. Jennifer was 22 or 23 years old when she was my bridesmaid. She was already in a serious relationship at that time and they married in 2013. After two years of getting married, they got pregnant and now their daughter is almost 3 years old.
Bridesmaid No. 2: Crystal
Crystal is Margie's younger sister. She was only 16 then at the time of my wedding. She is half-Filipina half-Australian. She sort of looks like Hillary Duff (yes, I actually do see the resemblance). She used to want to learn to speak and understand the Filipino language, so I taught her briefly. We had probably 5 or 6 tutorial sessions of "Filipino as a Second Language". Of course, 5 sessions were not enough. And besides, I am not really fully qualified to teach Filipino as a second language to a non-native Filipino speaker.
Crystal is due to give birth to a baby girl anytime soon this month or early August.
Bridesmaid No. 3: Nicole
Nicole is my second cousin. She was the one who did my hair and make-up, and she did that as her wedding gift for me. John and I attended her wedding in Adelaide in November 2015. Her wedding, which was held at the Botanical Garden (I think, I can't remember anymore), was also beautiful. She and her husband look great together and I'm sure this marriage will also last a lifetime. Yesterday, she announced on Facebook that they are expecting a baby in January 2019. I am so excited for them.
Though I am truly and genuinely happy for all of them, I can't help but feel sorry for myself. I got married before them, and yet, I am still waiting and hoping that every month is the month that I will be pregnant. When will it ever be my turn? Last night, I happily announced to John that Nicole's pregnant. Of course, we are both happy for them.
Then I suddenly blurted out "Everyone is getting pregnant except me." The reality just suddenly sank in, that I am in my mid-30s now and still there's not a slim chance of me getting pregnant. I couldn't say it's from the lack of trying or something's wrong with me or my husband, because we both had our check-ups done, and everything was normal and fine. So I ask God why?
I cried last night. I actually wept, but not too loud for my husband to hear me. I prevented him from invalidating my feelings and pain, so I'd rather mope in our bedroom alone. Later on, when I couldn't stop crying, I called my best friend and cried to her over the phone. She said that she was going to pray for me and that she would give me a hug on Sunday. We are going to see each other in Adelaide on Sunday and will be staying there until Tuesday for our Professional Development workshops required by the school. She told me to cry to John and tell him this:
"You don't need to say anything. Just let me cry and all I want you to do is hold me until I feel better. Tell me that you love me and everything will be okay."
I wanted to do that last night. I wanted to come to him, but he was busy eating pistachio nuts whilst watching sports on TV. He had been working all day, and I wanted him to relax and not to worry about me. I continued to mope and feeling so depressed because of the fact that I am still childless. I know that there are lots of true stories that I can draw inspirations from to make me realise that my problem is actually nothing compared to others.
But like I said, my feelings, my pain, my frustrations, my anger... they are valid. It's okay to have all these feelings and even be angry with God. I do believe that just like in any relationship where we can express our thoughts and feelings, where we can be angry towards our partners or spouses, it doesn't mean that relationships will be completely broken. There will still be resolution and forgiveness after everything that is said and done.
So, me being angry with God is totally fine. I am His child and just want to vent my frustrations to Him, my Father. He will not disown me just because I aired my grievances. Meanwhile, I should not hesitate to communicate to my husband how I feel. But because I don't want to be perceived as weak and vulnerable, and that it seems to me that everything is about me, so sometimes, I'd rather keep it to myself since this feeling of sadness and depression, too, shall pass anyway.
But one thing I keep on forgetting is that marriage is a union between a husband and a wife. If I don't openly communicate, I am not giving my husband a chance to be one with me in whatever I am feeling. I also don't give him the opportunity to love on me especially during the times that I need him the most. He needs to be able to protect me from feeling so helpless and downcast, but how can he do that when I am not sharing my heartaches with him.
Just like how David and Job expressed their frustrations with God, but still, their faith in God was very strong. So even though I am feeling this way at the moment, I still haven't lost my faith and trust in God. What I wrote in my previous posts remain the same, nothing has changed. As a mere human being, I will have the tendency to be vulnerable but I know that God knows what's in my heart and He fully understands how I feel. I may not be able to understand why there's such a delay in answering my prayers, or maybe my prayers will never be answered by God, I will still completely trust that God has greater plans for me.
Related Posts:
Ulog No. 14: "When God doesn't answer my prayers, it doesn't mean He's absent"
Trust God's Plan in All Circumstances
Anxious? Stressed? Here's God's Remedy for You
Never Waver and Be Strong in Faith
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I would like to acknowledge @surpassinggoogle for his Ulog inititative because it helps us (Steemit users) write something about ourselves even on a daily basis.
The following are some of my Ulog posts since I started #ulogging on 1st June 2018:
| Title | |
|---|---|
| Tired | |
| Trip to Coffin Bay | |
| Port Lincoln Getaway | |
| Preparing for our Port Lincoln Trip | |
| My Study Room | |
| I'm Thankful to God for my Mother-in-law |
My recommended witnesses:
@pharesim, @curie, @jackmiller, @steemgigs, @yabapmatt, @quochuy, @reggaemuffin, @blocktrades, @qurator, @hr1, @aggroed, @utopian-io, @ocd-witness, @themarkymark, @arcange, @scottcbusiness, @yehey, @steemitboard, @ausbitbank.
You can vote up to 30 witnesses by clicking this link:
https://steemit.com/~witnesses
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All photos are my own, except for the Discord banners (provided by @baa.steemit, @steembulls, @terminallyill, @flaminghelpers, and @itestify), #ulogger GIF file by @phantum04 and footer image by @bearone of @teamaustralia.
@pharesim, @curie, @jackmiller, @steemgigs, @yabapmatt, @quochuy, @reggaemuffin, @blocktrades, @qurator, @hr1, @aggroed, @utopian-io, @ocd-witness, @themarkymark, @arcange, @scottcbusiness, @yehey, @steemitboard, @ausbitbank.
You can vote up to 30 witnesses by clicking this link:
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Click each banner to join the Discord servers!!!
SteemBulls
All photos are my own, except for the Discord banners (provided by @baa.steemit, @steembulls, @terminallyill, @flaminghelpers, and @itestify), #ulogger GIF file by @phantum04 and footer image by @bearone of @teamaustralia.
https://steemit.com/~witnesses
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All photos are my own, except for the Discord banners (provided by @baa.steemit, @steembulls, @terminallyill, @flaminghelpers, and @itestify), #ulogger GIF file by @phantum04 and footer image by @bearone of @teamaustralia.
Hang on there. My batchmate, got their first after 10 years. In God's time you will have them and will treasure to the rest of your life.
Cheer up.
Your witness,
@Yehey
Thank you, @yehey. Yes, in God's perfect time. I know that He will grant the desires of my heart.
Amen!
Now cheer UP!
Hey, I am not sure if this will help your state of being currently but as much as I wanted a child to pass my family genes on to, let's face it, traveling to the next planet 🙊, I really wanted to adopt at first. This world is overloaded with orphans and kids without parents. I know that being a guy, my urge to have children is not as great as a woman need maybe. That all changed when I dated a woman who was 30 and desperately wanted a baby. Well, that relationship did not last but her baby fever spread to me. I was almost 30 and I too felt my hormones changing and my the clock ticking. I guess its called baby fever for a reason.
Each day as happy as I am I feel guilt and sadness my children will live in a world like we are living in now. The America and even Las Vegas I grew up with has dramatically changed. It's like a general lack of concern and empathy has enveloped everyone around me.
Just know you two with your love and faith in God and each other can provide happiness to others and yourselves just as you two are doing. God gives you exactly what you need not what you want, please dont lose faith or confidence in God. Love you two please sleep well tonight!
Your message is one of the most heartfelt messages I have received in a while. Thank you for your words of encouragement. I will never lose my faith and confidence in God. Apart from Him, I am nothing, and I can do nothing. I draw strength only from Him. At the moment, though, I am just so sad, but like I said, this too shall pass.
Sometimes I ask myself, why do I really "want" to have a baby? The want-versus-need subject is something I need to ponder over and over again. Is it really because of the fact we are married, and therefore, we have to build our own little family? Or is it because it's something that I can't have right away just because I want it now, hence, I'm being impatient?
I understand that the world we live in now is harsh and not ideal for raising children. More and more children are becoming more inconsiderate and unconcerned of other people's feelings and needs. I do believe, though, that parents play a significant and a very important role in raising up children to become outstanding members of their community later on in their lives. Parents need to be mindful of the things they do and say in front of their children because it's how children learn. Parents are the ones that children would like to follow and imitate. So, regardless of what is the world coming down to, children will still be able to fulfill their destiny and purpose in life for as long as they are surrounded by people who will continue to encourage and uplift them and bring them closer to God.
Ohhh sis i'm so sorry I missed you during this time when you needed someone to talk to. Why didn't you tell me :( I will always be ready to be there for you no matter what. I'm sorry that I had to be away from Steemit in a while.
Pero Ate, kahit anong mangyari, kung kailangan mo ng kausap, lagi lang ako andito for you. Kahit tulog man ako o kahit busy ako. I will always make a way. Kapit ka lang lagi kay God. Tama ka na okay lang na minsan magtanong kay God at vent out your frustrations sa nangyayari saten. Wala naman nakakaalam mg future naten kundi Sya lang. Thats one way we let Him more na mas malapit sa Kanya when we have a broken spirit. He is making our heart's desires to happen in reality, in His own perfect time. However, dont ever let your faith in Him die. Yun lang ang alam ko kaya naten icontrol sa sa sarili naten towards Him. I wish you were just closer to me here :( I love you sis.
Amen sister , you know while reading your post , it really made me emotional , just thinking how you must be even feeling.
You know why !?!? Not because I'm in your same situation sis 😘 , but , me I always had a plan for my life you know... I always knew I should get married by maybe around 25 , because my mom has bleeding problems and hormonal issues so I knew , I might have all those , since I have a body like hers and we have similar problems. So ever since I could remember I used to think like that.
But some bad things happened in my life...I don't want my famiky to see this...but I feel god is telling me to tell you ... So first my sister , who I took care of ever since she is small , I always thought of her more than just my sister more like my daughter and I are always did things so that she could have an awesome life too you know....but then all of a sudden she got these weird problems...things started falling from her hand...then we took her o hospital it was emergency maybe last last year..and that doctor didn't even look at her properly and said she has psychological issues and nothing else... And we all thought maybe it's true you know... It was one of the hardest day when someone says you have psychological problems...she didn't even want to get up from bed...that bad..I remember crying and crying.. then life went on.. I went back to China for school and she was back home with my parents, suddenly she started getting these blanks again...and again...and it was her junior prom and the day of the room..she got tonic clonic seizures. It was the worst worst worst time of my life... Because I had finals...and they were rushing her to emergency and now they gave her the medications for seizures and those medicines are not good medicines..they have alot of side effects like liver and kidney could shut down.... I asked God...god whyyyy... It should have been me..and not her...I wanted her to have an better life than me . All I could do was cry...and pray... By faith had decreased... Like so much ...it was so much pain. Because this wasn't the only problem...my mom got back her continuous bleeding throughout ...and she is supposed to remove her uterus...but we can't ...it requires more money.. so she takes hormones and that's not good for the lumos in her breast... It's just too much... My dad has his things too...and to complete the issues...our house had a case ...and it became against us..and we are literally going. To be homeless.. I was just crying writing this...
But along the way , I became closer to God... I began trusting God... I'm not lying sis.. for real..I knew it was only him who could change anything..and us humans can do nothing. I began reading scriptures daily..praying..singing out to him.. crying for him... Because I know I had some premenstrual depression too , so I cried to him rather than just crying and crying for no reason. And sis , even though the result part of nothing has come yet..I know God won't do anything to hurt us the children of God. I know he loves us so very much.. and I know he will grant your wish.. I am praying for you this very moment. I am praying that God help you during that whole process..and I pray God gives you all the strength and courage...
And sis listen reckless love + encouraging word - steffany gretzinger on YouTube...that song made me feel good...maybe it will make you feel the miracle coming your way.
I love you sis.. ❤️❤️
Thank you for your thoughtful and heartfelt comment. I am so sorry that you went through and are still going through some rough times, but I'm glad that your faith in God has been restored. I listen to Steffany Gretzinger's and some of Bethel music. Their songs are absolutely powerful that they lift my spirits up when I'm down. Reckless love is one of my favourites. I always break down crying listening to the song. Thank you for your reminder.
The past couple of days has been very hard for me, and it's just because one of my bridesmaids, the last one of them fell pregnant. I am so excited for her, but at the same time, I am overwhelmed with this great sadness over again. I thought I had long accepted that all I have to do is wait for God's perfect time. But I couldn't help but feel so angry, like why it's still not happening to me.
Your message made me realise once again that things happen for a reason. We may not know what that reason is, even in our lifetime we may not be able to understand what God is trying to teach us, but along the way, we are building up our faith, perseverance and character. You are a brave and strong woman, and God has worked wonders in your life. We always think that bad things happen one after another, but the truth is God has never left our side. HE's always with us.
I may not know you personally but I do feel that I love you, my sister in Christ!
Hugs and kisses to you xoxo
Amen amen amen 😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘 yes sis ❤️ I am happy that I was able to say it... You know... I never said about my sister ever...I don't want anyone to know or judge her...or even invade her privacy ..But I had to..I felt you were going through a lot.. again sis , I know it's going to happen soon..I can feel it.. so sis you smile and God will sent a beautiful baby ...I know the dispatch is being prepared.. you know like when we go to hospital or something... All the paperwork needs to be signed .. something like that...that's why it's taking so long. But it's soon going to be done and you will be a testimony ... ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️🙂🙂❤️🙂 I love you sis... And I will keep praying for your miracle sis.. and I know one day you will message me saying , it has happened...I am pregnant. Amen amen. God bless you sis...
Me too sis , actually I just found this song yesterday , I never was into bethel music before..it was always Hillsong or Jesus culture...but I'm so blessed with bethel..like more blessed I feel...like the intensity is really high...and tears just flow and flow...And I know God is with me...that sort of feeling. ☺️☺️☺️
It will be a beautiful testimony, indeed. I will keep on praying for a miracle, for answered prayers. And thank you for your prayers, too. You will definitely be one of the people that I will tell my good news to. God bless you always!
That's what I feel when I listen to Bethel Music and Hillsong. There are songs by Jesus Culture that I don't really like. They're too rock for me, and listening to it doesn't make me feel connected to God.
So true sis 🙂🙂 I hope I cheered you up a little !? 😘
Yes, you have. Thank you for taking the time to encourage me and cheer me up. I really appreciate it.
☺️☺️☺️☺️☺️☺️
God cares! Trust still! He hasn't fail and would never.
I know of a woman who after 11years got pregnant gave birth and she died! Would you say God was unjust? No!
God gives to us just what is good for us in his perfect time! I hardly can wait to have that man God has planned for me, sadly, I have had so many failed relationships. I asked God why but He is so far away that I hardly can believe if He hears my cry to be married. Nevertheless I still believe, that He is never late!
God will give you your children and you will mother them, just believe
Thank you, @peculiarmary. I agree with what you said. God makes all things beautiful in His time ("In His Tiime" is the first Gospel hymn that I learnt as a child - and I still sing it out loud or in my head up to this day when I am feeling impatient).
When I was 16 years old, I prayed to God for a man I would marry someday. I always envisioned the type of man that I would like to spend the rest of my life with. Of course, it didn't happen. God had a different plan for me. I met my husband when I was 27 and married him two years later. So, God answered my prayer 11 years later after my first prayer, although not exactly what I had dreamed of.
I know that God will also give you the man whom you will spend the rest of your life with. You will be able to discern if the person is "the one" for you. God will give you wisdom to make good decisions in your life.
My mother-in-law carried her baby for 9 months, then a day or two after giving birth, the baby died. Then it happened again the following year. This was years before my husband was even born. But she never lost her faith. God allowed things to happen not because it was His intention to hurt us. God is faithful and just, no matter what is happening in the world. Our lives here on earth is only temporary, and our purpose is to live our lives preparing for our eternity with Him.
Hmmmmmmmmmm everyone have got some experience! I will trust God still . Thanks @evlachsblog.
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Thank you.
What a beautiful, open and heartfelt share! All of that, and more, can be shared with your partner so that the two of you are on the path together. And, as you know, there are Greater Reasons for everything.
💗
Thank you, @bananamemos. Yes, I have to be more open to my husband about how I feel and not keep it to myself. If we share the joys together, we also should be able to share the sadness and frustrations together as well and accept our circumstances with grace and humility.