Tonight after work, I went and had dinner with some friends whom I haven't spent much time with for a couple years, as our lives have separated a little, as the excuse goes. It was great that someone organized it and while it was nothing fancy, one of my oldest friends booked a table and we met at six in the evening. However, one friend got there a bit earlier than the rest of us, and well, suffice to say, she didn't set us up for success.
You know how some people are loud, some people are entitled, and some are obnoxious? Well, she is a bit of all three, and a few other spices rolled in for good measure. I have known her a long time and we have had many, many, many arguments over the years about all kinds of things, but she is still a friend. A lot of her annoying traits are perhaps cultural, but her ways really stand out in a place like Finland where people are generally a bit more reserved.
So, when I arrived, I walked in, just as another friend was coming in and the one who arrived early was waiting at the door. She pointed to the table which was close to us, and said that it was ours and she had already spent a few minutes arguing with the staff for another table.
The place was full.
And I know how she argues.
This was a very relaxed place, but when the waiter came over to ask for our drink orders, you could already see that he was annoyed. And that was pretty much the tone from the staff the whole evening, even though the other three of us, had played no part in whatever had transpired before we had even arrived.
The night was fine otherwise and we had a lot of laughs along the way, but the person who had caused the drama with the staff, mentioned how she had never been to a crayfish party, even though she had been trying to get into one for over twenty years. A crayfish party is an Autumn tradition in Finland (probably stolen from Sweden) that some people have, where friends gather to eat some crayfish, but mostly drink.
They are a lot of fun.
Perhaps I should say "were" a lot of fun, because I don't think my internal organs could handle the abuse these days. However, I have been to many of them in the past, often multiple times a season, and even in recent years, though there was less drinking.
But it makes me wonder whether the reason that the friend has never been invited to one herself, is because of her general behavior. It is not that she is a terrible person or anything like that, but perhaps her vibe just doesn't gel with the atmosphere or something, as she is domineering in conversations, speaks very loudly, and is only really interested in her own perspectives, even when she is incredibly wrong. There is a different way about her, especially when in the company of a group of people.
I know that I myself can be pretty stubborn in an argument, and I know that there is a cost to my behavior, but for the most part, I am okay with it, as far as I know. Because I can never really be sure what my behavior has cost me, as I don't know about the invites I didn't receive, or the times I was excluded from something because of the way people perceive me to be.
I know there are plenty of times for sure, as afterwards in life I have found out from the people who actually excluded me, because of one reason or another, even though they might not have known me that well at the time. Often the reason was that they assumed me to be too serious - only to find out later, that I am not that serious about anything, and am quite happy to laugh at and make a joke on pretty much any topic at all.
While I think people should "be themselves" I also believe that people should spend some time reflecting on the way they behave and whether it is conducive to them gaining access to the experiences they are after. And, I also think that it is worth considering whether our behavior is really "ourselves" at all, or if we are just working as an automaton, following the code of our upbringing, culture, or the way that offers the path of least resistance. Often, I think the "this is the way I am" argument is more a position of laziness, or lack of self-awareness, because it is easier to stay the same, than change.
The night was fun, even with the loud and often obnoxious friend, but I know I can only take her in small doses. What was apparent, is how much I is hanging out with the other two, who are both awesome people who I used to know so well, and spend pretty much every weekend with for years on end. It is strange how we can just pick up after so long again, but the most strange thing is that we have spent so long apart. No matter how long passes though, they will always have a seat at my table.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
I wonder if people have tried telling her about her attitude problem? I'm hoping that no one has and she can eventually change it once it's pointed out. But if people had told her and she just didn't want to change, then she should have an idea on why people don't invite her to those kinds of things. If she wants to improve her relations with others, she should try to change, and not expect them to do so.
Yes! They have many times.
I think that like many, she assumes people should accept her no matter how she behaves, and they do. But, this doesn't mean they want her around to ruin the atmosphere.
Ah, well, her saying she has been trying to get into one of the crayfish parties for 20 years is silly then. Clearly she's not trying enough.
Did you notice how with a true friend, you just meet 5 years later, and just pick up from where you were last time?
For sure. These three people I have known for almost 21 years!
It’s pretty wild how things go like that - where a good friend can be missing from your life for many years and you spend time but it’s like nothing happened and it was a week ago you saw them. I miss those days!
Those obnoxious friends are tough - and often are told of their shortcomings but they still continue to be annoying in that regard. It’s certainly the reason she’s never invited to those parties I think.
With the obnoxious friends, I try to only spend time with them when they are at their best. I thought that this occasion would have been that, but perhaps because she was the first one at the restaurant, there was no stopping her! :D
Meeting such a friend once every couple of years is still tolerable. The life partner of such a person is worse.
Funny you should say about the partner. I know him a little only, and have always got a "serial killer" vibe from him - perhaps that is how he copes. :D
I've never been to a crawfish boil, but I think it would be fun to try one. I don't eat a lot of seafood, so I don't know how that would all go. I get left out of a lot of stuff with work people I think. It's always been that way and I have just learned to accept it.
It is a lot of fun here at least. It is a bit "fancy" in some way, but at the same time, it can get a little wild. It is a nice mix and one never quite knows how the night will end up :)
Very interesting. Over here I think it is considered more of a peasant type thing. I mean I am sure there are people who do it up with a whole theme and make an event of it, but when I think of crawfish boils I think more of the low income folks in the coastal south.
Granted we only have your point of view here but I don't think your a little bit loud+entitled+obnoxious friend would have achieved that status with me; I can be polite to people to the point where they might think I'm their friend but I don't feel the same way x_x
Glad you had a pleasant enough dinner even though there was a bit of a rough start with the wait staff (hopefully they calmed down for the rest of you as time went on?).
I am glad that I only have to spend time with her rarely. She can be great at times of course too, but it is a bit more rare. I guess I do respect her for sticking with it! :D
The calmed down, but I won't be going back there for a meal any time soon. I don't think the food was that great to warrant the attitude.
I don't like such people, even if they are friends. I try to spend less time with them. Perhaps, that's why you haven't seen each other for a long time :)
Yeah, this is the reason why for me.
Dear @tarazkp !
I felt you were very patient and generous!
There is a famous saying that if two friends want to maintain a friendship, one person must sacrifice!
I felt like you maintained good relationships with your friends!
Sacrifice in relationships should go both ways.
Time with friends is very exciting and everyone has fun. Different types of friends behave differently according to their character. I love friends and feel free when I'm with them. I think you had some good moments with them
It is amazing how we grow up and get busy with life. Our friend that we used to meet everyday will be a part of the past until we meet again.
Well regarding your stubborn friend. In such situation I will just agree to everything to cut the noise, even many people would not agree with that. But at least you had a great night despite everything.
That’s a crazy attitude I think I may not be able to cope with.
I wonder how the spouse of such person will cope with them cos I can’t