During my first year of blogging, I tried to keep my real personal stuff to myself. The parts about my family, my parents, my friends, my husband (I briefly dabble on the subject), my step kids and how my physical situation can cause stresses on those relationships. How I can understand for other reasons, both sides and perspectives of most situations. I can feel their sadness, confusion and desire to avoid the topic and me. I understand it and strongly wish I could change. I want to be fun Kristen again, but I couldn't imagine her actions.
That was the main reason I started my happy face persona. The one that can't get down by nothing and enjoys nothing more in life than lifting others up by saying silly or positive things, singing like a fool or poking fun at myself and situation.
If someone asks how my arm or leg is feeling today (in hopes of a response of better, but CRPS patients know it won't go away). I always respond with "it's still attached!" And smile :) -to those who have had amputation as an answer to their CRPS, I would love to hear from you on if it helped or if the phantom pain was worse for you personally. [email protected] or @conquercrps on Instagram.
I started trying to sound better because I thought at the time, that if I stayed positive for the most part- then some form of positivity would stay.
And it made my family and everyone else more comfortable hearing such hope.
I didn't know at the time that I was actually doing something beyond what I imagined. I was rewiring my brain.
I learned the term Neuroplasticity a few months ago and was completely shocked to know there was science behind my shenanigan thinking. This 'staying positive so positive could stay' theory was kind of right.
If I stayed positive, continued to tell myself and others so, that would become the commonly used route in my brain and become easier for it to be the first response and emotions. Instead of the darkness CRPS has a way of instilling on us as patients. (Oh I feel it too, trust me).
If I continued to tell myself that everything happens for a reason, I would learn my lesson. I would see a great reasoning behind the suffering I am still not comfortable sharing with the world. I would understand why I am where I am, when I am and how I am.
And that's where I am now.
I feel beyond repair physically right now. I feel the darkness and the hopelessness of never dancing, hula hooping, drawig, playing piano, or walking barefoot again. I can't play on the monkey bars with the kids anymore or go to a busy event in case someone touches me or there's a loud noise that sets me off. I'm even unsure at this moment how I will walk in the second annual Walk to Conquer CRPS in September. That hurts.
So do bubble baths.
But. The stallion in my mind is leading me towards great things and AMAZING people. I am working so very hard on many projects on my tablets. The floor is being ripped up in my house today (not by me, but I'm pre clean and clean up). I'm going to Easter dinner at my sister's, I still have errands to do, I'd like to sit down and relax for a minute maybe before I start another week of struggling to work at the call center tomorrow -I need to work at home- and I still made my post here. I'm proud. One small, drag a leg, step at a time. A change will come.
Both Instagram accounts and all correspondences will be up to date this week. It has been a beautiful response from the world, together we are stronger. For now, I'm just one spoonie trying to connect us. ❤️feel free to like, follow and share anything on @ConquerCrps and @HippieRaysWays on Instagram. One person at a time, awareness is being raised. ❤️
Oh, @creativesoul ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ my soul sister from the opposite coast, I'm sending you all kinds of love from the east coast because you deserve it ❤️ ❤️ ❤️
May today be an amazing day for us all. Be kind to yourself and one another ❤️
Day 21/365
Entry 11/183
Positive thoughts,
-Kristen Sparkle
