RE: ... — Hive

part quest for self-knowledge, part quest for knowledge beyond self, part the yearning for experience beyond the realm of knowledge itself - full immersion in rich dimensions of life inhibited by knowledge itself, perhaps.

i'm not sure if it wasn't that I placed value on love. there were ALOT of conflicting programs running, mostly based in fear. I was afraid of commitment, afraid that I wasn't 'enough' because I hadn't gotten my shit together financially yet, afraid that I'd have to sacrifice my own ambitions & dreams to settle for a life that didn't truly inspire me (though most of the ambitions were ego-driven, and my heart was SO closed to the idea of kids that I was completely shut to the possibility of finding any inspiration in that. Straight up - I had been pretty selfish, and I suppose had placed higher value on fantasies of grandoise success & adventures more than love.

re: monogamy - being a Cancer, I'm naturally loyal and not one to slut around, never have been. though, there still was a curiosity to experience more women than I had - and I didn't know how to manage those desires, especially in the prospect of a life-long commitment. even afterwards, some of those desires were there - though over time, I have matured and learned to sublimate my sexual energy within the confinements of a single relationship.

the drug didn't 'release' ANY programming, really. and it's kinda hard to grasp without having fully experienced it, but the power of the grandmother isn't the DMT in it. our brains naturally produce DMT in various quantities, as do various substances in nature. I suppose it's more like the DMT in the brew opens the gateways for the spirit to work through. I don't feel it'd be accurate to say either the drug or the grandmother DO anything TO a person, as much as SHOWS them what has not seen before. in the end, alot of programming can be "released," in a sense - but really, it's more a matter of transcendence - once you see certain things, consciousness renders beliefs about them void...

I like using the distinction between belief & consciousness sometimes - where belief is commonly used to try create some mental construct of reality that's based on faith versus facts. if your eyes are closed, you could believe anything is in front of you, for whatever reasons - based on your experience of what you've seen in that environment before, what others tell you, what you might pick up from your other senses of sight or smell. but once you open your eyes and see for yourself, the whole idea of belief meaning anything in that context goes out the window because you can just fucking see what's in front of you.

we've got all kinds of crazy ass programming forming our constructs of reality. a tool - and it's important to bear in mind its a tool that has been used for thousands of years with great reverence as a spiritual medicine/sacrament - such as any psychedelic doesn't do the work of its user for them - though provides them the opportunity to see aspects of them self and life that have been in their blind spots. This is why the intention for any psychedelic journey is CRITICAL. they can allow us to see, experience, and understand from new and varied perspectives, brining light to what was previously in the dark. Once we can see the programming running us in greater detail, it might still have some habitual gravity - but our capacity to respond is increased with the greater self-awareness. If key elements of the programming are in blind spots, it can be incredibly difficult to change - whereas once a person becomes more aware of what's driving them, the range of options available opens up. great revelations can be had on any psychedelic - but ultimately, its the choices of how to integrate them afterwards through daily actions where the programming gets changed.

For me in that experience, I'm not sure if any programming was necessary released. Rather, I was SHOWN the potential of living a life truly based on love, versus the one I had been on fear - and the precise action step was revealed that I needed to take to step onto that path of love. I was still scared as shit to actually follow through after, but did what I needed to do anyways. and it was that action step WHEN SOBER that the real game-change took place. and it's still taken a couple years to reprogram/release alot of the conflicts that had been running.

as such, these tools require a significant degree of maturity if engaged with. people can - and have - gone too far with them due to a lack of wisdom in their proper use and the vital importance of set & setting. used responsibly, they can be an INCREDIBLY powerful therapeutic tool. however, a person really truly needs to be ready to take responsibility for their life and own up to taking the action required once its revealed what transformations and character development they must undergo, as can be revealed through a psychedelic experience.

that may be quite the drawn-out answer to your last question, getting into more detail than you bargained for - yet it's a critical distinction to make. and having chosen to make this story public - which I have received feedback on that doing such may not have been a wise move to discuss such matters publicly - I do feel a certain responsibility to clarify and pass on such wisdom, as if people read this and are considering doing ayahuasca, it would be irresponsible of me to not clear up any misunderstandings that could result in people getting the wrong impression of the reverence, wisdom, and maturity one best step into the world with, should they choose such a path for themselves...

"SO closed to the idea of kids that I was completely shut to the possibility of finding any inspiration in that. Straight up - I had been pretty selfish, and I suppose had placed higher value on fantasies of grandoise success & adventures more than love."
I had that program playing in my mind too, until the age of 39, the last gasp of fertility reared its ugly head.

But having a child has actually created a more refined version of myself. I never understood the interconnectedness of life and suffering, now I see that interconnectivity is the invisible power between all beings. (woo woo stuff)........being interconnected is the way of health....I'm still learning these lessons actually.

My subconcious desire to breed took over and I found myself indiscriminately embracing love. Love for everyone. It was odd. I realized that in order for me to continue on and experience another dimension of life, I would need to give up control. I gave it up instantly. Too fast. I got pregnant instantly. Mind you, I wasn't conscious of my desire to have a child. It was not a well-thought out plan. It emerged from my lizard brain, the part that wants to live forever through offspring. I fought this urge my whole adult life, and would stay unattached to men, for I didn't want to settle. Settling down was equated with death. The kind you mention. But I realize my thinking was from a bad program. Or, I wasn't yet fully developed inside. I had to go through 7 years of solitude to find out who I was.......my insecurities have gone away with the self-knowledge.
There's one area yet, that I do not know.....and I see it possibly manifesting after financial independence is accomplished. The hierarchy of needs by Maslow is pretty correct in my situation.
Fear has receded, self-confidence has re-emerged, and I see that soon after some financial stability and creative output is reached, I am moving towards the next step. I never knew how these stages worked until recently....