Where to start when touching on a topic such as including or informing children of family problems, well the best way I think is to share not only my experience, but also my opinion, because I do believe that children should be aware of what happens at home with their parents and with the family in general, but how they are informed depends on their age, because the maturity and understanding of a child of 11 years old is not the same as one who is only five years old.
Now then, I will formally begin by sharing an experience, when I was about 18 or 19 years old, my mother began to undergo various tests, because she discovered that she had a hard mass in her left breast, after the tests were performed, including a biopsy, the diagnosis was a benign tumor, but she would have surgery to remove it.
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I was in the hospital with my grandmother and some brothers from the church who came to offer support, at some point the surgeon came out of the operating room and gave the news to my grandmother that what was in my mother's breast was not a benign tumor, we were facing a breast cancer, from afar I saw my grandmother's face change, but I learned about this a few days later, because she did not want to tell me anything, as if that would solve something.
I presume that her intention was not to worry me, since I was in the first semesters of my first university career, but I would have liked to know what was happening from her, not from a third party, no matter how much trust and familiarity I had with her, even though this person made the healthy suggestion that both my sister and I should be aware of everything that was happening, since we were old enough to know and handle it.
Thanks to this experience I understood that first, I should not hide anything from my son and second that there are ways to explain certain situations according to his age, for example, my son does not know his father who abandoned us when I was a few months pregnant, logically I knew that he would ask about his father, my grandmother insisted that I should tell him that he had died, I flatly refused.
The reason for my refusal is that I did not want to see my son grow up with a lie, secondly if he ever found out, because this man showed up or for any other reason, the one who would look bad in my son's eyes would be me, so since he was a preschooler every time he asked about his father I told him the truth, obviously he still has questions and I have told him that only this gentleman can give him the answers, but that without a doubt he was and is a son loved by his mother and each of the members of his family, but he has always known the truth, just as I let him know what problems I face, whether as a mother, wife, employee in short, because my intention is that we support each other and that he can collaborate with me and vice versa.
Then, as I mentioned at the beginning of these lines I believe that children should be included in all family dynamics whatever it is, clearly the explanations given must be according to their age, but they deserve to know what happens and believe it or not, often in their innocence and inexperience they are able to give us great lessons.
I am leaving here my participation in the Hive Naija Weekly Prompt | Edition 74
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Por donde comenzar al tocar un tema como el de incluir o informar a los niños de los problemas familiares, pues la mejor manera creo que es compartir no solo mi experiencia, también mi opinión, pues sí creo que los niños deben estar al tanto de lo que ocurre en casa con sus padres y con la familia en general, óbvienme el cómo se les informara depende de su edad, pues no es la misma la madurez y comprensión de un niño de 11 años a uno que apenas tenga cinco.
Ahora bien, comenzaré formalmente compartiendo una experiencia, cuando tenía unos 18 o 19 años, mi madre comenzó a realizarse diversos exámenes, pues descubrió que tenía una masa dura en su seno izquierdo, tras realizarse las pruebas, entre ellas una biopsia, el diagnóstico fue un tumor benigno, pero se le operaría para extirparlo.
Yo estaba en el hospital junto a mi abuela y algunos hermanos de la iglesia que se acercaron para brindar el apoyo, en algún punto salió del quirófano el cirujano y le dio la noticia a mi abuela de que lo que estaba en el seno de mi madre no era un tumor benigno, estábamos ante un cáncer de mama, a lo lejos vi la cara de mi abuela cambiar, pero supe de esto unos días después, pues ella no quería decirme nada, como si con ello solucionara algo.
Presumo que su intención era no preocuparme, pues estaba en los primeros semestres de mi primera carrera universitaria, pero a mí me hubiera gustado saber lo que ocurría por ella, no por un tercero, por más confianza y familiaridad que se le tuviera, igual esta persona hizo la sana sugerencia de que tanto mi hermana como yo debíamos estar al tanto de todo lo que pasaba, pues ya éramos lo suficientemente grandes para saberlo y manejarlo.
Gracias esa experiencia comprendí que primero, no debo ocultarle nada a mi hijo y segundo que hay maneras de ir explicando ciertas situaciones de manera acorde a su edad, por ejemplo, mi hijo no conoce a su padre este nos abandonó cuando yo tenía unos pocos meses de embarazo, lógicamente yo sabía que él preguntaría por su padre, mi abuela insistía en que debía decirle que había muerto, yo me negué rotundamente.
La razón para negarme es que no quería ver crecer a mi hijo con una mentira, segundo si este llegaba a descubrirla, porque este hombre apareciera o por cualquier otra razón, la que quedaría mal ante los ojos de mi hijo sería yo, así que desde que era un niño en edad preescolar cada vez que preguntaba por su padre le decía la verdad, obviamente él todavía tiene preguntas y le he dicho que solo este señor puede darle las respuestas, pero que sin duda fue y es un hijo amado por su madre y cada uno de los miembros de su familia, pero siempre ha sabido la verdad, igual que le hago saber cuáles son los problemas que enfrento, ya sea como madre, esposa, empleada en fin, pues mi intensión es que nos apoyemos y que él pueda colaborar conmigo y viceversa.
Entonces, como ya mencione al comienzo de estas líneas creo que los niños deben incluirse en toda dinámica familiar sea la que sea, claramente las explicaciones que se den deben ser acordes a su edad, pero son merecedores de saber lo que ocurre y lo crean o no, muchas veces dentro de su inocencia e inexperiencia son capaces de darnos enormes lecciones.
Me retiro dejando por acá mi participación en el Hive Naija Weekly Prompt | Edition 74
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I absolutely agree with you ma’am. Children shouldn’t grow up with a lie. Letting them navigate their way with the truth as compass is the best possible way to bring them up
So how can a child be required not to lie and to be correct in everything, when we as adults are setting the opposite example?
I agree. Children are part of the family but parents just need to balance the disclosure of struggles with their age and emotional intelligence. It must have hurt to find out about your mom’s biopsy from a third party. Sorry about that! ✨
This is totally true and is what I am referring to in my lines, is to tell them what is happening according to their age, they have the right to know and as I mentioned many times in their innocence they can be wiser and more assertive than adults.
Truly children should be carried along in whatever is happening at home though not to go beyond their capacity, there is always a way to communicate to any level of person
That's right, there is always how to communicate information to people of any age.