Right from primary school when I would go home with lots of prizes and I would get many praises, it felt like I was just lucky to remember the things I read in the exam and not because I was an intelligent student. In fact, when I would go for competitions and win prizes, it felt like the other schools didn’t present their best students, and that’s why I won.
It’s not my fault though. I didn’t know what it feels like to do enough. I would stay up all night to study, solve the hardest questions, yet still feel like I was lucky to just know how to do it. Not because I was that good.
That feeling, I didn’t have a name for it, and I never even try to find out how it would affect me. I just knew that every time I achieved anything, or I put in for a challenge, and win, it felt like I was just lucky to get it.
In 2021 when I needed financial support but got none, I started writing and got some few academic writing gigs that sorted my immediate bills at the time. I remember one of my writings getting published and the client reaching out to appreciate my efforts. He said, “this wouldn’t have been possible without your help. Thank you very much”, and what did I feel? It’s just another day to be lucky.
What I didn’t consider was the efforts I had put into researching, strategizing, and carefully crafting the piece. All the efforts I put into making sure he got the best possible for the money he paid, even though was little were not considered, rather, I felt “lucky” as if I had done nothing worth of getting the best results possible.
One of my friends in the university reached out to me recently, and asked what I was doing with my life, and the guilt of being insufficient with my actions about my life rushed down my spine. He was right. People who were not doing as much as I did got the opportunity I have been actively vying for with much ease, but here I am, having no result to show for my efforts.
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Then, I confirmed to myself that I really wasn’t doing the enough that they thought I did that got them to be friends with me to start with. I felt like I was just lucky to be friends with them, so the luck is yet to smile on me and that’s why I’m yet to get those things I am working so hard for.
This feeling of not being or doing enough is making me push myself beyond my capacity. Am I enjoying it? Yes, it’s a process, I guess. However, the detrimental effects of that feeling imbibed deeply in my thoughts is mentally and emotionally affecting my wellbeing. So, I’ve decided to just keep doing the things that I do and keep working hard towards my goals.
I have decided to appreciate every sweat, every moment, every sleepless night, every tear that I currently I’m experiencing so that when the results of my current actions finally show, I won’t see it as luck. Rather, I will see it as the results of the many years of failure, and hard work, and not feel like I didn’t do enough. I will appreciate the moment and believe strongly that I was where I was supposed to be when I was trying to achieve success, and the success that I achieved is not luck.
In the future, I will do enough, feel enough, appreciate every step of the process, and enjoy the results when they eventually happen.
This is my entry to InLeo prompt for the month of February. Check it out here
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