Reflection and introspection at the five month mark
I've recently become aware of the fact that I have been homeless for five months now. It's hard to believe, but at the same time, it feels as though those five months have lasted forever.
Numerous thoughts and emotions have engulfed me lately; it's difficult to tease them apart and put them into words. There are so many things I wish I could convey in a comprehensible manner.
The laughter and the tears, the sorrow and the sublime, the solitude and the solidarity, have all amalgamated into a palpable, tangible being unto itself that I carry around on my shoulders, and which weighs heavily upon my soul.
From the sheer sleep-starved misery of coming down with a fever with nowhere to rest, to the stinging humiliation of being kicked out of public places for hanging out too much, to the fleeting camaraderie of commiserating with fellow street-dwellers, to the sweet respite delivered by a stranger's cigarette, my life now seems like a daytime drama that I am merely observing from afar.
It's nearly impossible to grasp the reality that this is my life now. Every experience I've had is like a cell in a new body; a being that I would not have recognized six months ago.
I worry that I have no idea who I am. I never thought I could be someone who survived the street life this long. After all, my life prior to homelessness consisted of me locking myself away from the outside world as much as was humanly possible. I've never enjoyed being outdoors. I never even learned how to ride a bike, for Christ's sake. Surely someone like me would never make it without privacy, control over my surroundings, or a place to sleep.
Yet here I am, still drawing breath, though my muscles ache, my mind disintegrates, and I am currently feverish and coughing my innards out.
I continue to trudge forlornly over the ever-saturated earth, in the unrelenting wind and rain, wondering why I still insist on being alive.
Around me, life rolls on.
I try to fit in as well as possible to avoid any additional adversity. I strive to avoid negative attention from the impatient businessmen, the bearded hipsters, the shiny suburban parents with shiny young children, and the Subarus inching closer and closer to the crosswalk, upset at being made to wait for me to lumber across the road. I consciously try to wipe the expression of abject misery from my face. Luckily, no one around me seems to care. No one seems to notice my presence at all. Perhaps that is a good thing in my situation, but it sure is devastatingly lonely.
Sometimes I run into random, kind folks who are willing to chat. Many of them are also homeless, and we typically exchange practical information, words of encouragement, or food and goods. Being able to share something with someone else is a much-needed ray of sunlight in the darkness. Those moments are pure in their simple sincerity, and I cherish them.
Five months in, the fact that I am forgetting what it's like to have a home, and have grown so accustomed to and knowledgeable about the streets is greatly disturbing me.
Have I been feral my whole life and just not known it? Was I meant to be a jobless bum all along?
What was formerly an unimaginable lifestyle now almost seems second nature to me. "Street smarts," as they're called, have certainly kept me alive this long.
Ultimately, I wonder:
Will I ever have a "normal" life? Am I meant to?
I find the idea of spending my life slaving away at a job I don't enjoy for a paycheck equally as disturbing as spending my nights surrounded by people fighting and injecting heroin in public.
I recently landed in a mental hospital due to the acute stress of my current situation piled on top of over a decade of unresolved mental health issues. Constant suicidal ideation and anxiety had finally boiled over. My experience with that particular hospital was its own tragedy, but I'll have to explore that another time.
However, in the several days I was in the mental hospital, I learned that I was able to relate quite well to the other patients there; much better than I ever relate to those in the general public. I'm not sure what that says about me, but it's the truth. A bunch of mental patients --plus buckets of pharmaceutical drugs and card games-- turned out to be the most fun I've had in forever.
Unfortunately, nothing else about that stint in the hospital had any real effect on my state of mind.
Five months...
At this dubious milestone of sorts, my takeaway is that I don't know who I am, where I belong, or what I actually want.
Sounds promising.
I'm not good at asking for and receiving help, but I've finally created a bitcoin wallet. If anyone would like to send anything my way, I would have the utmost gratitude.
Bitcoin:
18DfWuketG81WFE9LrBkfKiHFhgct6Qa4q
Ether:
0x9E4A241a0b2d3d0d77AD13De77a98A7b0A3396Ff
Bitcoin Cash:
qp8jup0klpav0yszpxhkan8k3axzkwa07unrl6drjf
Part 2 of this series can be found here.
Thanks for the addresses. Will send ASAP.
You are an excellent writer man.
Have you ever considered going overseas and "starting again," as it were?
Edit: BTC sent. Keep kickin' ass man. You're coming out of this. You shouldn't think of yourself as a "chronic misfit," though. Well, go ahead and think that way as long as you realize that the ones who "fit" are driveling amoebic sub-humans we should all feel sorry for, and try to restore to humanity/sanity ;)
Thanks so much, Graham. I truly appreciate your support and encouragement.
I'd definitely like to start again. Still weighing my options.
Hey there fellow "Jobless bum".
I found you because of a post by @kafkanarchy84.
Graham mentioned that you are in the Northwest, I too live out here in the west, and too in the outside. Finding a way inside seems unreal to me. Though I know the world is full of more kind people, the streets have a way of robbing me of the optimism which that awareness brings.
If you ever want to talk, or swap survival tactics feel free to be in touch.
Seattle isn't the greatest city, but for homeless people it's legal to sleep, not so here in Corvallis Oregon. Although police tend to be kind, in relative terms, they still will bust people for human behaviors which every person must do daily as a matter of existing.
One of the best tools I have found for outside life is google maps, looking for areas where a person can sleep undisturbed is vital for this lifestyle, a lack of sleep and a feeling of insecurity can push us over that edge quickly.
I am steadily telling other street people about steemit, in the hope that others will bring the reality of poverty in the USA to the steemit community, and hopefully uplift themselves and others though common unity.
Yeah man, everything you're saying is so true. Good on you for spreading the word.
I'd definitely like to chat. I like learning from others. What forms of communication do you use? Let me know and we'll swap contact info.
Best wishes,
CJ
I have the signal app. Also all of the typical internet communication modes.
tenofplates (at) gmail
I just got signal, but I'm not sure how to use it. How can I add you as a contact?
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I went through 6 months of unemployment a couple of years ago, and even with a roof over my head, I felt so discouraged, confused, and hopeless. It really made me think about how much worse it must be to be on the streets. I really hope you can find your way. Keep on writing, you are a good writer, and you have a story to tell. If you know anyone in the publishing industry, send them a link to this story--maybe they will publish it to a larger audience and pay you a good price. Good luck, I really mean that.
Thanks for your kind words :)
Sounds like your doing well all things consided.
Hey dude. Sorry to hear of your recent difficulties. I just read an article from the #con which requested assistance for you. If I send you SBD, will you be able to make use of it? If so, let me know and I'll send some.
Thanks for reaching out. I'm still new to all of the crypto stuff, and I'm not sure if I can convert SBD to bitcoin. If I can figure it out, I'll let you know. I appreciate the offer.
https://blocktrades.us/?input_coin_type=sbd&output_coin_type=btc&receive_address=cryptic-cynic
That's one of the ways to do so, mate
Hey man, no problem. I'm a crypto novice myself. The only way I know how to convert SBD to Bitcoin is on an exchange like bittrex or poloniex. I know there are lots of other ways, but I haven't had time to experiment. There are lots of good tutorials here on Steemit to learn how to convert SBD to Bitcoin to USD. Let me know when you're ready, and I'll be sure and send you some SBD. Good luck man. Let me know if there's anything more I can do to help.
I've finally learned how to convert SBD to bitcoin, thanks to fellow Steemians. You all truly are the best.
I am moved and humbled by your support.
Hey man I don't know you but it sounds like you need help. I just sent you some Bitcoin, find one of those Bitcoin atms and get yourself something to eat. Things will get better keep your head up.
Thanks so much. Very kind of you. Best wishes :)
I used to know a guy that went by the moniker NuroSlam. He is a friend and lives on the street. Occasionally, he'd check in with us on G+ and give us updates. Once his bike and kit were stolen, so we pitched in some money to get him back up and running. I know from him that life is definitely not easy on the street, but he loved the freedom it provided.
How's your diet? Living on the street really complicates eating well of course, and eating well is extremely important for mental health.
I'm a PI and activist, so I make a lot of enemies. I've always joked, partly, that if I ever needed to disappear I would become "homeless." As you wrote above, homeless people are invisible. Recently, I helped a sister find a homeless brother of hers. He had been out of the system for over 10 years, but eventually I found a record of him in a shelter.
Finding homeless people is something I would love to learn more about too, so perhaps you could give me some tips. As normal protocol for PI's, I didn't tell her exactly where he was. Instead, I contacted him, let him know he was being sought, and gave him his sister's phone number. It is up to him to reconnect or not. I know some people don't want to be found, and that's their decision. As the PI too, you never really know the full truth. The seeker could have bad intentions.
I'm glad to have met you on here, and I hope to see more of your content in the future. You also write well, so I'm guessing you've had a good education prior to becoming homeless? What is your background if you're willing to share more details please?
Thanks in advance and well met friend!
Finnian
Hi Finnian,
Thanks for your kind words. It's nice to meet you as well. I find private investigation very intriguing. It seems really interesting.
I actually never attended any kind of college. I've been learning the appliance repair trade for the past couple years, and that's about it. I enjoy studying various subjects on my own.
I'm open to sharing more information about my day to day life and offer any insights I may have. I just prefer to do so in a more private forum.
My newly created wickr app username is crypticcynic, feel free to contact me there and we can chat.
Best wishes!
CJ
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STOPYo dude, you're an amazing writer and you have a beautiful mind. You can do this. Hold on and be strong, I've been there and I know sh*t's ain't pretty but stay positive through the storm - it'll be all right, as cliche as it sounds, but that's what I know from my side of things. One.
Thank you, brother :)
I don't know much about your circumstances, but if your not married to Seattle, it would be a good idea to travel south. Sleeping in the cold winter of the north will eventually harm your lungs.
Population centers of size will have high competition and entrenched job markets. If you can't find a variety of openings that fit your skills niche, you may have to travel out of that job market.
You mentioned earlier about being introverted. Although you have become skilled at city life, as I'm sure you have found out, city life doesn't solve the feelings of being alone, and the awkwardness of being surrounded by thousands of people, but very few actually seeing you.
If your looking for people that actually see you, you may need a smaller population center to engage in. Small towns of 200 to 2000 are usually good for introverts. Enough people to have a job market, but still few enough that your personality/character is recognized (if you want it to be).
Maybe you can think through your skills niche as you travel. I say all this as if you were a long standing friend and don't mean to offend if I sound too structured, or don't know all the issues. Kindest regards.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Good ideas.
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STOPHoly cow 🐄