You
The winter breeze gently serenades
And the wooden barks are more rough,
It is as if they're beginning to kneel.
I don't know but I feel for them
You know how
They gave every bit of themselves away
And now when they have not one single leaf left,
Nothing at all,
No-one looks at them
Well, not in the way they once did.
"Giving is good
But when all you do is
Give,
Give,
Give,
You end up starving that one person
who needs some of that love too.
You. "
This poem truly has fantastic potential. I'm going to break this down by stanza:
In the first stanza, the first line needs a little tweaking. There's nothing you need to take out, but I do feel you need to add to it. Who is the wind serenading? What does it sound like? Go further with your personification and extend into a simile or metaphor. The second line is good, but the third makes it a bit choppy. Consider removing "it is" so that your reader can move right into the wonderful simile you've built .
The first line of this stanza also feels incomplete. What doesn't the narrator know? Since I'm not a fan of second person, I think you can cut the first and second lines of the second stanza so that the gave themselves away line stands alone. This statement is the punch, and having it stand alone will magnify its impact.
I would cut the third stanza altogether. The meaning of the poem is in the fourth, and it takes a little bit too long to get there.
This poem is wonderful and has the potential to be breathtaking. T I'll be following you, and I'm excited to read more of your work.
This is perfect.
Thank you so much. I am glad you like this.
If you don't love yourself, how can you truly love others?
Upvoted and resteemed. Nice work bro
Thank you so much. :)
Touching poem, i love the way you express those feeling of yours and i love the simplicity. Keep it up bro! Looking forward to more of it
Glad you liked it. It means a lot.
👌👌👌👌
Thank you :)