And if don't come back it's because I'm probably dead and they haven't found my body yet.
Perhaps if they look for the ass mushrooms, they might find it. Ass mushrooms growing out the forest floor are usual a dead give away.
I was actually rather disappointed that the first story wasn't the real reason for your absence. It sounded like quite the adventure.
My ass shrooms were red and mushy. The taste was foul. If you're a picker, stay away.
That first part was 'loosely' based on a true story. For instance I was drunk in the forest and I was approached by a conservation officer who did actually keep looking down at my region while we were talking, making me feel really uncomfortable. But he just wanted to make sure I had a hunting and fishing permit.
...and thought that would be the region where you might keep that permit? 🤔
Maybe that's where he keeps his documents, I dunno.
Realistically, he was most likely just keeping an eye on my hands for sudden movements, because guns.