Lessons to be learned:
My life story is far from being finished. There are a lot of things I left out and also that I still have yet to go through. I'm now 27 years young, have an (almost) 3 and 6 year old, been married to my best friend Pete for a while, and have a miniature farm/plethora of animals I take care of on the daily. My life stays pretty busy for the most part, and when I'm not doing that, I take time for myself to meet with my mentors, friends, and finding my happy place(s). I don't have all the answers, and I'm far from having it all figured out, but what I do have is a new found love for life again and wisdom unlike most my age.
If you've been reading my story from the beginning you might've been asking a few of these questions...
How did you make it through all of that? How did you turn out "normal"? Why would you do that? How do you not hold onto the past and have a grudge? What does your husband think of all this? Do your kids know? ECT
I'm here to ease your worries and answer your questions, and any more that you may have.
Let me start by saying it wasn't easy, and what worked for me, might not for you. I am by no means stating I have it all figured out, but simply letting you in on what I did to become a better person throughout all of this and then some.
- Jesus: Yes, the obvious answer for me is Jesus. Not religion, but a true real authentic relationship with Him. I am not here to try and convert you, or force you to believe, but I have to give credit where its due. I read the Bible, daily, and then put God to the test. "But doesn't it say somewhere in the Bible not to test the Lord your God". Well, yes. However, I am telling you what I did, and clearly God did what He did. I wanted to know if God was who He said He was/is, and He proved Himself to me, time and time again. I cannot and will not deny that and that He is the reason for most if not all, of why I am who I am today. If you have any questions how you can too, lets talk more...
- Outlets: I had to find healthy outlets for me to constructively spend my time. I knew that if I didn't do anything, the pain and hurt of my past would continue to cycle throughout my mind and drive me insane. I knew that my dark thoughts weren't healthy for me. I knew that if I didn't do something different, they would continue to slowly drag me lower and lower, and I didn't like being at that dark isolated, and depressing place. I decided to focus my time and energy on things I did enjoy. I knew that I loved sports, I loved being outdoors, I loved being around other people, so I took action. I found people who had similar likes, and hung out with them, or when they weren't available, I rode my bike to the park. I took myself to my happy places regardless of what others may or may not have been doing because I knew it was what was best.
-Addressed the lies, Found the truth: I started a journal. I wrote whatever came to mind. Everything from "I want to die, I'm worthless" to "I had tacos for lunch and then took a nap". I tracked everything. Not sure for how long (I still journal) but it proved to be effective. I then would go back and reread everything I wrote a few days/weeks later, (had to give it some time) and then on the adjoining page would write the truth about who I am and address why I was feeling the way I was in the first journal entry. It became addicting to see how much negative behaviors I had, and I wanted to fix them. (See below)
-Journal Entry Oct. 14, 2004 - "Today I feel like shit. Everyone is treating me bad. I want to punch Vanessa in the face and tell her shes ugly too, but I wont and we all know that. She said I looked like a boy. I actually tried to do better today. Sometimes I wish I were never born. I hate who I am. Whatever."
Journal Entry Oct. 17, 2004 Re:14th - I was mad because I didn't feel accepted. I wanted someone to notice my efforts of not looking like a boy, and they didn't, so I was hurt. That's okay, I don't need the approval of others. I decided to tell Vanessa she looked nice today and that I liked her shoes. She wasn't expecting that, and it made me feel good even if she is mean to me. Today was a good day. I'm thankful to be alive. I made a small difference today.-
-Drumming: This is where I always have and always will go for a healthy outlet. It was God who put the gift within me, and its to/for God that I even play. Part of my story for those of you who read it before it was deleted for personal reasons, know why. I have zero, zip, none, nada musical background. I never had a lesson, a teacher, a coach, or anything. A worship leader in the church I once attended came up to me one Sunday after church, and gave me a word from God. He said; "There is a God-given talent inside you that God wants you to use for His kingdom! How do you feel about playing on the Worship Team?". My first thought was yep, you might've guessed it, back to the whole "prove it God" because I knew it could go one of 2 ways. 1.) I either did have a God given gift, and if so I would excel greatly because it was/is actually from Him and He was going to take control over that whole thing or 2) That guy clearly didn't hear well from the Lord and I was about to make him, myself, and the rest of the team look bad, but hey! That was on him, so I didn't really care.
Since then I have told God that I will only use my gift when and where He says too. I often say if you've been around me, you know, that I'm not a drummer, I'm a Worship drummer, and yes, there is a difference! Sounds a tad arrogant and cocky right, but its not and let me explain why. See, I've tried over the years to do drumming competitions, and "Drum-Off's" at different places. I have tried to run with the drums outside of the realm of church, and every single time, I failed miserably, and each time God reminds me that that was not what the gift was to be used for and what He called me to do. The gift was pointless without Him. It's a lot like having a car, but without the keys. Yeah, there are other not so wise ways to get the car in motion, but it's a hassle, its frustrating, costly, and in the end the car will either a) still be sitting where you parked it or b) leave you stranded somewhere wishing you'd had them all along, right? Same concept. There was no power.
Friends: Now this one was crucial. Everyone wants friends. We need them to function in society. I made the choice however when picking mine, that they had to be on the same path I was. I needed people who were going to challenge me, but also come along side me when I messed up, in love. I needed friends who didn't do drugs and lead me away from all the progress I had already been making. I had to cut ties with people deemed "toxic" to me, and although, yes, painful, it was the best thing that I could've done. I had to see where I'd been, to know where I was going and wanted to go. Did I want to continue in the pain, heartache, and drama of the past? Or did I want to better myself and go further than my past said I could? I choose the latter. I confided particularly in adults and teachers who knew a thing or two about life. People who could see my flaws, but also my potential. I wanted to be a better person. I wanted to make something of myself, but I knew my sphere of influence needed to change in order to get there.
Give Back: Have you heard the saying; "Treat others how you want to be treated? or "It's better to give, than receive?" In every age and stage of my life I've gone through, these 2 quotes/sayings are really my reasoning behind everything I do, and a major key factor of who I am. I knew growing up I was dealt a bad hand. That much I couldn't change. What I could change though was how I handled it and my actions/choices, and how treated others because of it. Now, again, I am not, nor was I ever really perfect at it. There were times I was harsh, when I could've been more gentle. There were times I pushed away, instead of pressing in. The long and short of it is this. Be the person you needed most when you were younger, to those who need it now.
I needed a friend more times than not. So I became a friend. I needed a shoulder to cry on many a times, so I became a safe place for others. I needed to be encouraged time and time again, that I was made for something more, so I learned when to hold my tongue and when to speak. My advice is simple. Be all of those things for the hurting and broken people in your life, and you'll see the rewards and victory it brings in more areas than not. To have a friend, you must first, be a friend.
End.
--I want to extend a huge Thank You to those of you following along, and for reading my story, and hearing my heart. I fully plan on actually publishing my story at some point in tangible form, and more in depth in the (hopefully) near future.
If you have any questions you would like to ask me and/or would like to remain anonymous or maybe share your story, or comment on how mine has maybe helped you in any way, feel free to email me at [email protected] and I will get back to you.--