As you may have noticed, I have no children and never will be.
So we chose (my wife and me) we are "free" from children - Childfree.
I believe that the only people who should be parents are those who really want it and are willing to pay the personal price involved. Therefore, I think that trying to convince someone who does want children, to avoid it, is a pointless and morally flawed act. Just as the attempt to convince someone who does not want children to bring them against their will.
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I've Heard It All
One of the things that amazes me in the charged discussion between parents and Childfree is the judicial treatment. Parents who judge Childfree for their choice and Childfree judges and parents for their choice.This is why most people who ask why we do not have children are not really interested in the answer. They ask mainly to give them the opportunity to persuade me and my wife to have children anyway. You can spare me the threadbare arguments, I am well aware them.
I have answers sharp and dripping with venom each of these arguments - I will spare you the pleasure at this moment.
I do not hate children, I can deal with them in small doses only. I have no problem playing with children as long as they can be returned to their parents after a certain period of time.
If it were possible to receive them after the age of 21 - I would take willingly (One or two).
I do not want children just because that's what everyone does and that's the normative and expected behavior.
I believe that I was born to be free, autonomous and independent - not to serve, feed, wash and transport others.
Do not rank me at the bottom of the list of priorities and elevate others.
That is why I feel so much pain for all those "liberated women" who try to juggle between motherhood and career and on the way wear to the ground (Feminist irony at its best).
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True, the father figure is less dominant at home, Most of the child's needs, the mother provides. Most men provide everything else (not much).
My wife and I have been living together for almost 20 years, Very loving, respectful of everyone's desires, Everyone has the privacy which he needs. We decided that we have so much together, we are not willing and do not want to lose everything. Raising children completely breaks the relationship. We want to continue living as a couple and constantly improving our lives. Try every day to become a more loving and better person to each other.
I read a lot of material, how to be a better person, How to be more supportive and helpful partner, as you know, love by itself is never enough to have a relationship work.
Those of you who want to continue to read about our intense need a romantic relation, and the price we pay to achieve it, are welcome. Those of you who choose to retire, thank you very much for visiting.
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You Are Mine
Many spouses say to each other, "You are mine," even though we are autonomous people, not property. Of course, no one is the property of another person and therefore does not really belong to another person.But can we talk about belonging in a psychological sense that still preserves our autonomy?
I think so if we make sure to distinguish it from the sense of ownership.
At the base of romantic jealousy is the concept of entitlement: we are afraid to lose something or someone whose feelings should belong to us, and to us alone. Jealousy reflects the fear that someone will take away, unjustly, something that belongs to us. Hence romantic envy contains the feeling that we are in a certain sense entitled to some ownership of the partner and some control over it. The demand for sexual monogamy, for example, is actually taking ownership of the sex life of a spouse. Indeed, the perception of belonging itself, as expressed in popular culture ("she is my woman") often slides into the sphere of ownership. Although such a sense of belonging refers to property, in jealousy it is often seen as part of the sense of commitment and intimacy. The role of belonging to jealousy is clear: when the partners belong to each other, the loss of the partner, or the relationship with him, to another person, painful and unjustified.
The negative connotation of belonging as the owner does not exist only in a person who feels property, but also in a person who feels the owner of the property. Such a feeling may awaken some of the anxieties that characterize property ownership and lead to the destruction of the relationship. Responsibility is responsible, and when responsibility is devoid of authority, it causes great distress. The constant effort and tension we need to control someone who is inherently uncontrollable can hurt us. Often, those who see themselves as possessing human property are characterized by low self-confidence, and are therefore constantly seeking signs that will confirm their authority; When they do not recognize such signs, the despair and feeling of inadequacy can cause them to react in a disturbing way. Moreover, those who believe that they can have human property in the form of a spouse cheat themselves because the partner is not an inanimate object but a free person (at least in terms of emotional attitudes). The partner does not behave and does not feel like an object, and here the so-called owner may create cognitive dissonance that leads to distress, hostility, and despair.
The gap between the psychological sense of belonging to the physical meaning of ownership is also expressed in the issue of romantic jealousy: Romantic jealousy expresses the possibility of the partner to favor another person. This possibility of preference indicates that zealots do not see their spouses as objects, but rather as individuals who are able to prefer and choose independently.
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The Need To Belong
The connection between belonging to feelings is expressed in another way: feelings are attitudes that express a partial and personal perspective, yet they are usually directed at another person. When we are emotionally close to another person, we perceive it as an extension of ourselves. The self is not just a physical being wrapped in skin, but a psychological structure in which the ideas "I" and "mine" are mixed. The perception of the extended self is complex because there are different types of relationships within it. One of the most prominent relationships within the self is the psychological distance from the center, from the subject that constitutes the nucleus of the self.Children and spouses are very close to the center of self because they are very close to us psychologically. In a sense, celebrities may also be considered part of the extended self, because we feel a certain closeness to them; However, since we do not really interact with them, it is superficial closeness.
When we perceive another person as an extension of our self, then there is some logic in saying that it belongs to us psychologically.
Yes, when we lose this person or some exclusive relationship with this person, we may feel pain even if this "belonging" does not refer to possessive physical ownership. The need to belong is the basic human need to create and maintain a minimum of positive, lasting, and essential interpersonal relationships. To satisfy this need we need two things:
- Frequent positive interactions with the same people.
- A stable and long-term framework within which we will conduct these interactions.
Despite the temptation and excitement of exchanging partners, the need for loving and stable relationships with a limited number of people is deeper. Baumeister and Liri argue that humans have "a natural urge to create and maintain belonging." Thus, in general, "people hesitate to severe social ties no less than they are eager to create them in the first place." They continue to argue that in many cases, people hesitate to sever even destructive relationships. The need to belong is stronger than the need for superficial social relationships or sexual relations; This is the need to create deep and meaningful relationships. A sense of belonging is essential to our welfare. Lack of belonging brings with its negative side effects, including harm to health, happiness and the ability to adapt. In addition, people without a sense of belonging are also more likely to suffer from mental and physical illnesses and are prone to a wide variety of behavioral problems, from road accidents to crime to suicide.
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Belonging To A Model Of Love
The sense of belonging to romantic love influences the degree to which we adapt to different models of love. Of course, the feeling of the healthy belonging that develops among lovers does not in any way indicate an unhealthy confluence of identities; vice versa. The concept of fusion, on which a model of Siamese twins is based, implies not only the loss of liberty but the loss of each partner's self-identity. These two types of loss do not stem from the sense of belonging that lies in deep love because it prepares the ground for the personal blossoming of two independent individuals with different and independent identities.One can see that the importance of belonging to romantic love is compatible with models that focus on the relationship between the two lovers, not on the characteristics of each individual. When a person loves another person, he empowers himself through deep interaction with him. These frequent interactions reinforce the sense of belonging. A deep romantic connection, expressed in emotional experiences and joint activities, is essential for deep, long-term love. The romantic connection contributes to the growth of each partner and to the growth of the relationship itself. And this growth increases the sense of belonging and reduces the likelihood of jealousy.
The sense of belonging between spouses is not bad, as long as the feeling is mutual and limited to the psychological aspect. Social life and romantic love are based, among other things, on the need for a sense of belonging, and this need sometimes leads to jealousy. We may have doubts - not about the importance of mutual belonging, but about its nature and depth. A sense of mutual belonging is essential to romantic life, but it has a price: it limits our romantic space quantitatively, that is, the number of our romantic partners because it requires commitment and resources that can not be allocated to a wide range of people. Happily, a couple who have a deep love does not perceive this limitation as something that breaks their happiness.
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Romantic Relevance
If the need for belonging is so strong, it is impossible to dismiss the statement "You are mine" as some kind of romantic nonsense. Creating a sense of belonging requires significant romantic activities of the two lovers; It cannot be based on the feelings of only one side. And belonging is not only expressed in positive joint activities, but also in a negative attitude to the violation of belonging, which is often expressed as romantic envy. The fear of losing something that belongs to you, in a way, is no less intense than the hope of achieving some kind of "meaningful" feeling.Romantic love can not create a deep relationship in which the couple blossoms. People prefer relationships in which both sides give and receive warm treatment; Reciprocity reinforces the romantic relationship. An imbalance in the couple's involvement in the romantic connection predicts separation. When both partners are equally involved, the likelihood of a future "together" feeling increases. Studies comparing people who received love without giving it to people who gave love without accepting found that both groups described the experience as negative.
Apparently, love is satisfying and desirable only if it is mutual. Hence, when love develops without a sense of belonging, the result is usually distress and disappointment. Belonging to the relationship, and to life itself, weighs my values and my hearing.
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I dedicate this post to my wife, the love of my life
Thank you for the beautiful life we have chosen to share together
Until next time, thank you for visiting @nirgf
Feel free to leave a comment below!
Change "belonging" to "dedicated" and "secure" and it sounds a lot less like property and demand for exclusivity. Because that's what it's about - dedication and the feeling of security.
You're right (always), I agree.
It changes the entire contents.
I must say that until recently I adhered much of what you mentioned here. When we decided to try to conceive, it involved with a lot of learning and mental and physical preparation about what is going to be and what the vision is. Very agree that not everyone should have children and not everyone is appropriate and unfortunately, there are also those who bring children and cause them a lot of damage... A child is not a toy, there are no returns and there is responsibility for his life and future. The bottom line is what I'm trying to say is that maybe your opinion is not popular but it's accurate! BTW The picture was a bit unpleasant for me - but it drew my attention to the post ...
That's exactly what I mean, not suitable for everyone.
Now, it's getting more acceptable than ever.
Thank you very much for the response, I was glad to hear your opinion on the matter
Child bearing is not a compulsion like you rightly said.
You have the right to enjoy your life the exact way you want it...
I wish you the very best in your marriage
I am very glad that you shared those views
I think I will have a very hard time with children,
I believe that anyone who decides to have children,
Must give everything that the children need during their life,
If you do not have the ability to give them what they need,
Do not have children, it's very simple.
The responsibility is for the parents, the children did not choose to come into the world.
They can not grow on their own and become a burden on society.
Children desperately need the love of a father, because parents have to take care of their children, provide good education for children, so the child becomes the pride of parents.
True, I agree with you, this is not an easy job at all.
Child education, learning how to be a better person.
This is what in the end will make your child successful.
On a scale of 1 to 10 @nirgf your writing get's a 100 from me for quality and quantity. The depth you cover this subject is quite outstanding, your reading and knowledge on it is impressive, I read every single word and hung on them - the mark of a great writer is captivating your audience. I can understand and relate to your choice, as you know I have two boys that in itself is complicated beyond my wishes to divulge. On my mothers side my uncle and one aunt remain single even now in their 60's, the other aunt is in a relationship but childless - even though she has been a Nanny to the famous for her lifetime. So I followed a path different from my family history life choice, good or bad I am doing the best to make the most of it - as you rightly say if you choose to have children you need to have the commitment to give them the best opportunities in their own right. Personally if I had the chance to re-run my life course again I would not change it - but I think everyone has to decide how they wish to follow their live course and we should all respect each other for it.
@c0ff33a Dear friend, as I know you, you are an excellent father,
And there is something your children will ask you, and you will not buy them.
The hardest thing for me to see is that there are children who grow without...
The parents' part ended in that they brought them into the world.
Now, children need to learn about how to live alone, just don't disrupt the life of the parents.
Some people just do not deserve the ability to raise children.
Thank you for the response and share your side of the story.
I really appreciate your opinions, you are "serving" them in a pleasant way :)
Your freedom of choice is yours after all. Nobody can take it away from you.
True, but in the society in which we live today,
It is very difficult not to be part of the norm.
Israel is a very religious country, children are our destiny.
It seems to many people to be wrong, not to have children.
As long as you don't infringe on anybody's rights then nobody should bother what you do and don't do. It's your life your choices and your responsibility.
Briliant post my friend.
Thank you for visiting, dear friend.
I appreciate it very much.
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Upvote me plz
thanks friend for the idea
the responsibility is rather difficult...
and I wish you the very best in your marriage
Responsibility is the most important thing.
If you choose something, think hard before, not to regret at the end.
But if you have already chosen something, stand behind your choice,
Not only you are responsible, you request it -So stand behind it.