The thing about speaking badly about the people closest to you is that it is one of the most dramatic things in our daily lives- and it's one of the most necessary things to balance out our social lives.
I suppose there is an art to speaking in a way that can nurture and be unfavorable, but for those not as gifted, such words create more than ripples. I am one of those people who just can't. There is so much I would like to say about people I am close to, and more so as I get older, but my eloquence or lack of, sends every vowel, consonant and utterance like bricks through single paned windows- just as clumsily too.
I'm not bitter and I don't say the worst things. But I need the therapy of the act and I'm sadly unable to do it like all of you assholes.
I can't slip silly anecdotes into random conversation and play it off like cute things so and so did, and I can't work the petty things so and so did into witty comebacks and snarky back talks.
I'm in my terrible thirties and I didn't used to be overloaded with social angst. But I am horrible overloaded now. I honestly feel there is so much more pressure on me these days to act a proper beacon of respectability and everything I say gets dragged through every mud pit. Every family event, every party, every time I'm at the local bar, every time I'm at work, when I walk down the street, when I freaking have a jam session. To make matters worse, I'm really enthralled about my progress in making music- and it's not a quiet act. And people listen to music with more attention than they listen to spoken word. It's enjoyable and invites interest. And I feel like such a sod for being bothered, but guess what, it pisses me off.
To make matters worse, I've had too many desperate people in my life say desperate things and stir desperate ideas around me. I've never been one to be extremely envied but with the added amount of crazy in my life, it's been hard. I don't need people who are way overly medicated to decide I should be diagnosed with some obscure medical term, I don't need people with crappy family lives and conflict resolution skills to look down on my family lifestyle, I don't need frigid cat ladies to decide I should be labeled an outsider to whatever imaginary vision of community exists. I don't need crazy 'hustlers' scheming for the next big insurance/ contract break with whatever delusions they have of connects nobody actually has.
As a person of more than a handful of marginal groups, like literally I could be a posterchild for 'Multicultural Inclusivity' these days) I've gotten enough things noticeable in my life to draw attention. People may have impressions that I am undeserving, entitled, obtuse, a complete idiot, not as attractive as I am supposed to be, vain or any number of other insults that are just down right muddy. I can't help it, I don't want the modesty or lifestyle of the ones saying it. Their lives are gross, two dimensional, a bore, flat, shallow, or all of the above. I don't even have the heart to be envious of them. I feel when I do lash out I become a more disgusting person myself so fighting fire with fire just dries my skin into an ashy mess of low quality humor.
And I'd like to say so much.
Please don't try to gain sympathy for yourself over how cold I am. You've been doing nothing but making my life more difficult to accomplish its goals. If you had really wanted to develop a relationship with me you should have not been so disgustingly humiliating about how you've embrace me.
Please don't talk about my potential. I have the potential between a street vagrant and Elon Musk, depending on how I navigate the situation. And I know some would prefer me on the former on the scale of success. I have always been with a slight amount of foresight, but gifts are happy accidents and the unexpected typically likes to make appearances in unusual ways.
Please don't assume you are integral to my creative process. Just because we share themes and interests, I think you can agree there are more than one street that intersects Main. Know that how I carry out my Thesis and vision vastly contrasts with anything out there because nobody and hardly anyone I can be inspired to seems to understand my vision. I've seen many iterations of themes and concepts that I love and so many times the message is just a let down or even disturbing. But alas we are in a technological age and plagiarism is plagiarism. If you're rootkitting, don't even think of feigning 'inspiration'. You are so fucked.
Please don't hype up what I could have been. I believe from the last point it can be gleaned that what I aspire to contrasts with general aspirations. What I want to be, perhaps abstract, perhaps literal, is not all-together something that can be achieved or demolished in a single act. Every action, every day and every moment build up the direction of our lives. I am propelling in the direction I see.
One of the things that disturbs me is the extent of my actions and how far they can travel. I am no influencer and the world which I seek grows at a set rate. I've found that should my sphere of influence fluctuate, there are other factors at play. I am uncomfortable with unstable variances in this, and such iterations pique my awareness (not an interest because it's a great inconvenience that has to be dealt with & factored in). If something affects how I have projected myself to carry out the goal, I am bothered. I find that my reputation and influence can also exponentiate in a similar bell curve. We can factor out the data of interest to see what is the cause of such unexpected outcomes. Those factors I would like to obliterate.
I've never been one to be bothered by my social circle until it bothered with me. And there are times when I feel it just wont let me alone. So don't think I don't notice when things arrive to 'funny' conclusions, and don't think I find it pleasurable to have to inconvenience myself with finding an acceptable solution.
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