Nine months ago I shared this story with Steemit...
Cheetah can have its way with me if needs be,
but I felt the need to share it again.
Somewhat ironic really,
that it happens to be nine months later...
Have YOU ever MET YOURSELF?
......
Those of you that have followed me from the beginning will know that from an early age (approx. 12) I began to walk a path that changed the rest of my life. Clubs, drugs, “sex and rock ‘n roll” as many would say.
I began that journey because I was emotionally NUMB. I had traveled a hard road up until that point in my life, and on one never to be forgotten evening, at a perfectly respectable “under 18’s” party that was geared for the younger, youngsters, I can remember the carrot being dangled in front of my face...
“hey… we are going to a club in town, do you want to come with…”
So it happened. I went.
That was the singular moment that marked the beginning and shaped the next ten years of my life. It was a messy, MESSY road.
There was nothing spectacular or noteworthy about that night… it was just another evening at someone’s house, discussing mostly people’s pipe dreams that were unlikely to ever come to fruition, whilst passing a beer bottle from one person to the next whilst smoking speed (methamphetamine) until 5am - at which point the “scrambling” began… hands started digging deep into pockets, handbags and bedside drawers - to put every coin mustered together on the floor, and establish if there was going to be enough to get our next “straw” of speed and continue the high…
That night, there wasn’t enough…
And as the hours ahead unfolded, dropping from one plane down to the next, I began to look around me… in the corner of the room was an elderly man who had passed out on a single seater couch and had obliviously urinated in his pants, all over the couch and onto the floor.
On the other side of the room there was a couple having an argument and the guy was hitting his girlfriend, threatening her life if she didn’t “behave herself”. In the middle of the room I sat, amongst another group of people who continued with their mindless babbling, completely blind to what was going on to the left and right of us.
In that one moment, I made a decision. I can remember the words I spoke internally – “This is not what I want for myself and my life”. I got up and I walked out. I told my boyfriend at the time that this would be the last occasion I associated with any of these people and that should he wish to continue doing so, it would need to be the end of our relationship. Well, no points for guessing – that was the end of that.
A day passed and although the difficulty and temptation began to set in, I didn’t cave. I went to bed that night feeling so VERY confused and alone... but oddly relieved.
That was the night I met myself.
......
When attempting to explain this experience to others, I feel as if I fail in many respects - as far as depicting the magnitude of its symbolism and how utterly powerful I simply KNEW it was.
In a “dream” that night I was walking as my “then current self” in some kind of meadow or hilly area. In the distance I saw someone sitting on one of the hills. So I walked and walked and walked some more - until I eventually got quite close. It was a little girl. She was sitting with her knees pulled up towards her chest and her head down in her lap. She was barefoot and extremely grubby. Her hair was dirty and clearly had not been washed or brushed in a while. I suddenly noticed that I recognised what she was wearing…
The dress she had on, was one which my mom had sewn for me when I was a little girl.
I approached her and I put my hand on her back in an attempt to offer her a little solace. Quite close now, she lifted her head off her knees and looked me dead in the eye.
I was looking straight into the eyes of my 5 year old self. She said nothing but just continued to glare at me with the most enormous amount of anger and pain in her eyes, yet somehow simultaneously emotionless.
I was looking at myself. We were looking at each other.
This was unquestionably the most disturbingly powerful encounter I have had in my life… and irrespective of the fact that it didn’t happen on a “physical level”, I will never forget it and the impact it had on me.
I was heartbroken at the sight of “myself” –so horribly un-kept and unloved… it made me SO SAD… and then, it made me angry -
…and then… it made me CHANGE!
……
Until next time...
Much Love from Cape Town, South Africa xxx
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Love you to pieces ❤❤@Jaynie! Your story literally brought me to tears... something that I can relate to, to a certain degree. I can recall the night I met myself, except it wasn't a dream... it was a living nightmare. While being mindful of my present, I was very scared for my future.
@kimmiecfields YOU my love, were and ARE a ROCK of STRENGTH! You took it all and turned it in your favour! you are an AMAZING woman!!! Love you angel xoxoxoxoxoxo
I cannot express in words how much more respect I have for you (and I had a HUGE amount before!).
via GIPHY
lol @ "badshit" and thank you love xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
You're very welcome, dearest woman, and this is what happens when Giphy breaks down and I have to stop being a lazy giffer... LOL!
omg she wrote words :P
Lmfao!
Wow. I lack words to describe this post. You're so courageous and you've earned my respect .❤
I'm super happy for you that you met yourself earlier in life, most will never have that realization.@jaynie, I admire your courage for going this deep and personal in this post.
On the other side of intense self-realization comes lasting CHANGE, no outside influence can do for you.
Thank you for the lovely response :)
Always welcome @jaynie
That is a very moving story. I'm glad you shared it again, as I wasn't around on Steemit 9 months ago.
I believe that some of the most powerfully healing steps we can take are to "visit" with versions of ourselves, at various stages in our growing-up years, and to let that child/teenager know that they are seen, heard and loved.
Thank you too! I appreciate your input :)
I am really grateful to hear this because i learned something from your life experience, and i believe one thing that, if you learn from your experiences and try to change yourself, that's the great thing because, in this world no one is just perfect, everyone attempts something which they think, it will hide our pain and can give pleasure, but when they realise it's not the path and they improve their phase, those are the true people. Thanks for sharing your experience with us and wishing you an great day. Stay blessed. 🙂
Thank you very much @chireerocks
Welcome. 🙂
Ugh... I wouldn't wish for those days of debauchery again that's for sure ... thanks for sharing... cheetah ain't here yet!! Yay for our child self guides...
hahaha @riverflows - Yip I concur in that respect lol!!! And yay indeed :)
You are a courageous lady @jaynie lots of respect for you on that. It takes a lot of strength to write something like this, and again, I feel inspired by your words. Have taken an ounce or two of your bravery to share some of my own experiences for in the future perhaps. Thanks for sharing ❤
Thank you hon! Yeah it can be a little daunting, but is also very liberating...
I hear you completely - have done so once before, however under different circumstances. I've been thinking a lot since reading your post and feel it could be something good to do. Soon. The support and content on Steemit is just admirable, glad I joined! Thanks again! :)
Howdy from Texas @jaynie! I love your story. You were determined enough to make a change in your life and stubborn enough to make it happen. I like stubborn. God bless you for sharing, it's an inspiration.
Thank you so much @janton - I appreciate that. And Hi back to you from Cape Town :) Nice to "meet" you :)
Thank you for sharing something so personal. I'm actually glad you had that 'dream' and because of THAT, it changed you to who you are today. I hope that life now gives you much blessings and happiness!
MWAH! Thank you @zord189 - You are one of many of those blessings :)
Ngawwwww.... :D
It is so hard to make a change like, especially at a young age. You are obviously a very strong woman. It is wonderful that you escaped that path and that you share it with others to let them know that it is possible.
Thank you. I appreciate your kind words very much.
Wow, that was really brave to just walk out like that and decide to change your whole life. That dream sounds so unsettling..
yes it was rather unsettling indeed.... but necessary for perspective I think. :)
Don't have much to say but if a change happens and creates pleasant consequences in your life then that's AWESOME. By the way, pun intended, I meet Firmo ( A blockchain looking to leverage on the power of derivatives ) before I read this post.
Jaynie, so sorry to ask, but could you tell me what you think about what these two dolphins did on my poem thread this morning? I also reached out to Papa Pepper for advice, but haven't heard back yet. He's the only good whale, and your the only good dolphin I know so far..
https://steemit.com/poetry/@mepatriot/a-single-drop
Please forgive the intrusion, but I had nowhere else to go for advice.
Hi @mepatriot :) I have had a look at the comment thread and to be honest - despite your good intentions, I would advise that perhaps you put the blazing guns away. There are MANY facets to this platform, a lot of which I have still yet to grasp, but "ruffling feathers" is NOT going to help you in ANY way whatsoever. Many people use bid bots - including myself... and there is a fine line of assessment required.
Bid bots are not "illegal" and are very useful tools to highlight good content - yes there are people who abuse them, but I would not suggest you ruin your reputation here by stepping on peoples toes.
In the grand scheme of things, you downvoting peoples posts adhoc is really not going to bode well for you here. You will very quickly be made to "disappear" and may as well leave steemit altogether. My advice to you, would be to focus on your blog... and your initial intent here. Don't waste your energies trying to "fix it all" - because much like real life - there are a LOT of politics here too...
Long story short.... stay away from conflict and controversy - it is NOT going to do you ANY favours.
I hope that little bit of "blab" helps :)
Sure does. Thanks!