I had my first session with my mentor at work today. A guy who is a few years younger than I am, but has worked in the company for almost twenty years. And since it is a startup that is about that old, suffice to say that he has a massive amount of experience, which is what I need to learn from right now. He asked me how I tend to learn, and for me it has always been through observation and my own experience, but I went on a bit further that it is because especially now after the stroke, I need the stories to provide the heuristics - I can't read it out of a book and easily apply it.
It has been a few years since I have tried reading anything substantial, so I should probably give it a go to see if I can get anything out of it. I used to love reading, but now it is so much work to understand, I get tired very quickly, for very little gain. However, perhaps if I change my style a little, I might get more out of it and make the investment worth it.
I asked a question from my supervisor today in our one-to-one, as she was talking about internal and external focus for finding meaning, where one is doing things for other people, the other is doing for the self. This isn't being self-centered, it is about for instance doing a job well because it means something to the individual, even if it doesn't matter to anyone else. She sees herself as someone who acts for herself. But I posited that because our meaning is derived from connection with others, we likely need other people to factor in somewhere - to make what we do relevant. As I like to deal in extremes for illustration, my hypothetical question was pretty simple;
If you are alone on a deserted island, the last person on earth, what gives you meaning and purpose?
What does your intuition tell you?
Even with this simple example, it is very, very hard for us to imagine a world with no one else in it. It is almost as hard as trying to imagine what it feels like to be dead and without consciousness. It is impossible to image unconsciousness, while conscious. And impossible to do it while unconscious. Similarly, we can't imagine well what it is like to be without people, unless we have spent significant time isolated, with zero contact with the outside world at all.
We all want relevancy in some form.
And what does that mean when we are alone? If you have seen the movie "Castaway", you will remember Wilson, the volleyball that became the character's friend. Because even though he was there for years trying to survive and get back to civilization, it wasn't enough. If he didn't have the ball, perhaps he would have made a face out of a coconut - anything to have "someone" to share the experience with.
A great meal or a great movie, isn't as great without someone else.
Sure, from time to time it is fantastic to get some time away from others, but even the most socially introverted person, still needs some contact with the world outside themselves. Some people here might be inclined to comment that they are the type of person who would be happy alone, without seeing the irony that they are here commenting to other people.
My point is, like it or not, we are all seeking some kind of validation from others, which is what relevancy is. When we are relevant in people's lives, we are making an impact, (possibly a negative impact) which matters to another person. It is a reflection of ourselves in them in some way, an action and reaction relationship. Even the world "relevance" means to help, assist, comfort, console.
To relieve.
And as social animals, we will feel lonely when completely alone, and if there is no one there to provide relief from the loneliness by giving connection, we will find a substitute - like with a pet, an animal, a volleyball or some other stand-in for a partner, a confidante, an ally, a mirror.
Perhaps that this is part of the value of being a parent, and also why some parents take it too far and can't let go, because a child provides relevancy almost be default. Caring for someone else by choice to be relevant in their lives, is probably about the most selfish thing we can do. This isn't a negative in most cases however, because it is how we build connections, communities and ultimately evolve our species. It is a win-win relationship.
My supervisor was also talking about how when she was young, she was the odd one out, the outlier in many ways. I was the same. This meant also standing out in some way, which for me meant that when I made an error, it was even more obvious and was pointed out, no matter how small. However, at some point, being the odd one out can be valuable, because it becomes a differentiator in the marketplace, or it gives insight into making choices that others don't make, giving a more open space to run, or being among the first to invest.
In a world where everyone is trying to fit in, the smart play is to stand out.
And maybe that is what I should do for myself.
For instance, as far as I know, I have never met anyone under the age of 70 who has had a stroke, other than one. And that person walks around the neighborhood, repeating the same three questions to whoever will listen. Just based on being able to function much at all after a stroke, has me as an outlier, especially at my age. While I didn't gain any superpowers, perhaps I can take the damage done and use it to reposition myself in the marketplace in some way, especially since I am a completely different type of person and have had to learn completely different ways of navigating life than I did the second before the stroke.
Can I make it work for me?
I don't mind being odd, but I dislike letting myself down for not making an attempt.
So I better try.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
If you are alone on the island, how do you know you are the last person on Earth?
Let's make the assumption ;)
There is a reason we have a saying, no man is an island. I have heard of different studies where people can go crazy without social interaction. I know of people that had strokes that were able to get better. Some even had multiple, and luckily, only needed minor therapy.
I work with a lot of coders and engineers who are most likely on the spectrum, and many of them came back to the office after lockdowns, because they needed people - even just to sit next to. There is a comfort thing in it. There is also a reason that solitary confinement is considered a punishment.
Are they young?
I didn't get any therapy help (I got some myself) from the healthcare system, because tested okay on the cognitive skills. However, there is a difference between being able to survive life, and being able to still do what is needed in a job role. Generally, the older people who have strokes have already retired, so they don't need the same level of cognitive function.
The brain is fascinating though, as in some instances it can divert traffic well, in others it can't. At least for part of mine, traffic wasn't diverted and the interesting thing is, that some people see this as my failure, like I didn't try hard enough to build new roads. But, it is like trying to grow a new leg after losing it in an accident.
Some are in their 40s, while the one that had multiple, had one in their 50s. I think there is a bit of luck to it as well. I know one who had multiple 'mini strokes' and they didn't even know. They just found out after an MRI years later.
lol - that is lucky - or perhaps it speaks to their starting level ;D
Yeah, I think it was both. They also have a very high tolerance of pain, so that was the reason why they didn't realize. Might have thought it was just heart burn or something.
You would see the world differently if you had an autistic child.
You would see the world differently if you were autistic. It is Nagel's "what is it like to be a bat" isn't it? Having an autistic child, gives insight into it, but not the experience of having it. I suspect there are only a handful of people in the world who know what it is like to have some of the issues I have, but I suspect that most people can never know. Yet, I can provide some insight, and this might help them deal in some other area, whether adjacent or altogether different. We only ever get to truly experience the life we are born into, everything else is through observation, secondhand experience, and assumption.
You have said recently "don't assume" and that you don't judge others, right? How do you know I would see the world differently if I had an autistic child? Because you do? Isn't this an assumption and a judgement? It might be accurate, but it isn't absolute. I might not be different at all. We all make assumptions and we all make judgements of others, on how they should act.
I have had two children, both on the autistic spectrum. Sofia passed away at the age of 10 due to leukaemia, and Matthew is now 8 years old and has the same clinical features as Sofia. My little Sofia felt the world through music, and Matthew felt the world through his drawings. They are two different visions of having contact with their own world and in the middle is me, an interpreter who has learned sign language to silently understand this sordid world.
No one can put themselves in the shoes of others, each person is a hermetic sphere, each person lives their own internal battles. It is enough to be a fighter in our own wars to be aware of the struggles of others. I do not judge you, it is your own vision of the world from your own experiences, just as you yourself express it… So live my friend, take advantage of as much time as possible with your family, go out, enjoy nature, listen, see, feel… Try to be happy. Blessings.
Humans are built for fellowship with others. Even the worst introvert is having a loud conversation with themself in there head. Ironically giving answers and laughing hard at the invisible conversation in their head.
Very good point! And that voice is very, very difficult to shut out to the point that it can send us crazy, and make us feel even more alone, even when surrounded by people.
Sorry for the stroke experience. Your strength is a super power.
Not many have come out of it and been able to touch lives like you have through your blog and how it has affected you. What’s wonderful is you have managed to consistently document your walk. People will find strength and hope in your words for many years to com.
I hope that people will find something in there to help them. We all have issues, yet we can benefit from the experiences of others too.
This is basically the best thing I read today because I can really relate to it. I'm often labeled the odd one because I usually don't conform to what most people do. I'm often left out because no one relates to me well, but being alone doesn't stop me from doing the things I want. The feeling of loneliness is far more bearable than feeling regret because I didn't try the things I knew I could be happy with.
Wow to be able to say you have 20 years of experience doing something is truly the greatest thing..wow respect to him
Would you believe that there are so many people who would not make someone younger than them as their mentor just because of the age? I’m glad you really want to learn from him
Also, letting yourself try is really good. Not trying is worse and wont gake you anywhere sinone has to try
If you aren't reading books regularly, how come you write contents regularly? That must be exceptional