Thanks for your support, and while I know you mean well, I simply cannot justify the action that I took (the end doesn't justify the means). I know that some will take that to mean that I'm just being too hard on myself but the way I see it, it's crucial that I be honest with myself first and foremost about what I've done, no matter how unpleasant it may be as only the truth will set me free in the end. I've already tried making up excuses in the past and that didn't work out so well for me as it only prolonged my trauma. That's why writing this piece was so important because I actually do feel much better now that I've released this burden.
I do like the idea of doing a kind of memorial, though, to honor my first child's memory as you suggested, and that is something I intend to do in the future.
I understand what you are saying, making peace with yourself is important though, that and acceptance, both are different than agreeing, I am happy to hear you feel better after writing about it x