The overwhelmingly prevailing interpersonal advice in navigating abuse culture revolves around two things: attempting to stay and heal your own abuser, or leaving.
But when I was grappling with being verbally, emotionally, sexually, financially, victimized in my romantic relationships, AND when I was grappling with shedding abusive behaviors I'd osmosed from developing in an abusive household, I found absolutely no support for people like me who were in the thick of it all, not ready to cut myself off from basically everyone I'd ever known in order to escape the cycles of abuse I'd been familiar with as genuine connection for my entire life.
The overarching narrative was: Once conscious of abuse, you either immediately drop everything and leave your abuser, or you're a weak little shitbag who deserves what you're getting. I myself have been guilty of perpetuating this myth many times, and been inconsolably frustrated with friends and peers who struggled with taking action.
It took me a long time to recognize the internalized misogyny and our ridiculous American culture of mythical 'individualism' that drove that frustration. But what if, like me and a fuckload of other people, you recognize what's happening AND you're not ready to leave yet? Contrary to popular belief, that choice is valid, too.
By the time I found this writeup by Maisha Z. Johnson, I'd already napalmed my social and romantic connections and left the city I'd known as home for 17 adult years, in part to break the last tendrils of the interpersonal abuse cycle I'd been chipping away at since I figured out I was surrounded by assholes who helped me be an asshole in my teens.
Though the impetus for my escape revolved around my impending homelessness, I was in an incredibly privileged position to be able to do what I did, having both the personality and just the right amount of resources to make what ultimately became #vanlife happen. I didn't own property with my abusive ex's, didn't have children together with any of them, I had friends outside the relationships, I'd maintained as much of my independence and freedom as was possible in those weird fucked up codependent situations -- and it still took me 20 years of constant personal development to get to my now zero abuse tolerance and a clean slate.
We demand far too much, as a collective, from people who, like all of us, have developed in a pervasively abusive culture, where abuse narratives are commonplace, lauded, considered funny, and pounded into our subconscious via societal norms every moment of every day.
I believe writeups like these help us break down the unconscious assumptions that silently lock us in perpetual struggle, not only in our intimate trappings, but in how those of us who wish to influence the development of our society view, address, and understand the impacts of our culture of abuse in the larger context of our intentional sociocultural evolution.
If you're stuck in an abusive relationship, have a friend who is stuck, or are just interested in sociology, cultural progress, social justice, and addressing the institutionalized violence in our society in empowering ways, take a gander, and tell me what you think?
https://everydayfeminism.com/2015/04/safety-with-abusive-partner/
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Thanks.for sharing. You sound like a smart woman who.is working it out. Fuck there is no.way I would put up with it now. But thats the wisdom of age.for you and a lot of self study..
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