I showered trying to scrub all of you off. Your hands are imprinted on me, scarring me forever, and cannot be erased. Your voice lingers in my ears, pounding in my head still.
Flashbacks and triggers. Simple things set me off. I feel insane in a sane world.
No wonder victims of sexual childhood abuse have a difficult time as adults trusting others. Because the relationship with the perpetrator was based on manipulation, deception, lies and secrecy. A terrible foundation is established on which to build later relationships. One person had the control, and that persons needs were considered more important than those of the one being controlled. For this reason, closeness all too often comes to mean suffocation and entrapment.
' I'm a sexual assault survivor. My secret: I wish he had killed me instead.'
Some days I don't think about it at all - the trauma. Actually, most day are like that. But the days when I do think about it, I get angry and so sick to my stomach.
My body doesn't feel damaged, but my mind does in those moments.
'I want to take off my body like a jacket and leave it, along with every other childhood memory behind.'
Its the worst when I'm in a sexually charged situation - like having a 'play party'
Its like all the most broken pieces of me rush to the surface, and I can't make sense of whats real and whats not.
I didn't want to admit that that was my truth, because Fuck, it sucks.
I feel something ugly and dark stir inside of me. Even sitting here now, in bed, in a safe environment, writing about it, I can feel it uncoiling. Its cold and long and heavy and dark.
I don't want this to be my truth or my story. But there it is. Always there.
I will probably never be able to skip into a sexual situation and feel unburdened and carefree and safe. I would love that, but I'm not going to force myself to get there.
Right now I feel safe with my partner in ways I haven't felt safe in my whole life. And at some point I hope to experience that kind of safety with others.
Heartbreaking :( Beautiful writing Nooreen, I really do feel for you.
I admire your courage of sharing this unfortunate event in your life. Sad, but beautifully written. I hope you're doing well now.