Who I Am? Does it really matter?

Hi my name is not important, I'm a 50 year old mom of 3. Two of my children are grown and over the age of 22, my youngest is 11 she is what I have dubbed my midlife crisis kid. While most people get boob jobs or buy sports cars I chose to have a child! My life growing up was nothing special. I had a father who repeatedly cheated and a mother who was always foolish enough to take him back (4 times that I remember)I spent most of my childhood bouncing back and forth between my grandmothers home and wherever my parents decided to live together till my father ran off again. My grandmother was my biggest influence in life, she was kind caring never swore,drank,smoked or had not a mean bone in her body! While my parents were busy doing stupid shit she was my rock. She only had a 4th grade education so when it came to school I was on my own.
By the time my teens rolled around I realized my parents weren't paying any attention to what I was doing soooo.....I became a wild child! I drank smoked and started using drugs and lost my virginity all at the age of 13. I spent my teen years in a haze of drugs alcohol and sex. I ended up meeting a guy at a party, he was quiet he drank and smoked pot was actually kinda lame in my eyes at the time. But... I ended up hanging out with him and I saw how he had set goals for himself . We were juniors in high school he attended vocational school for auto mechanics and was in the national gaurd. Me I sold weed and pills to make money! It made me re evaluate my life, while I dropped out of high school in my senior year ( yes senior year😰) I saw in him things I wish I could be.
Next chapter in my life was spent with this man. We married while he was still a senior I was only 17. My mother had to sign papers approving it since I was underage, which she did without batting an eye! By the time he graduated I had got a job working in a gun shop, found us an apartment and began to change my life. We lived in an apartment about an hour away from my family, which was fine cause life was easier without them. We worked our asses off to make ends meet, but the economy sucked (this was 1984mind you) so he decided to go active duty in the Army. Within a month we found ourselves moving to Fort Stewart Georgia on our own. After only living there for 4 months he got sent to Germany, I had to really grow up quick I was 19 living in a foreign country and I was the foreigner.
This was were I decided to follow in my fathers footsteps! My husband gave me everything! I traveled all over Europe freely had beautiful house and yet I chose to cheat! I couldn't help myself....sad now that I look back! So I was not happy with the way my life was going and I left. This cycle would repeat itself a few times, I would cheat, leave and he would take me back! I had become my father! And he took the role my mother played for years.
We had 2 beautiful children in the 20 years we were married, we lived all over the world. But somehow with having it all I was still unhappy! In 2003 I found myself bored yet again and met a man I will call James. He just got out of a bad relationship and we were both train wrecks. We drank hard, partying all night ! Sex drugs and rock n roll took on a whole new meaning! With him I could be ME! No holds barred! Sad when I think about it now but...he changed my life!
My marriage was all but over and his ex was driving him insane so one night after a lot of soul searching we decided to load up my car with whatever we could fit in it to include my bird I had for about 8 yrs. We just took off, time to turn over a new leaf. We moved up north, I filed for divorce and my ex husband and I knew this was for the better. He never caused trouble when it came to our kids, we shared custody. He knew that while I may have been horrible as a wife I always put my children first. I was always there for them, I was a stay at home mom till they were old enough to come home from school and stay home for short times by themselves. My now boyfriend accepted my children into his life with open arms!
New chapter...we spent a good year or so acting like teenagers, drinking ,smoking ,partying ! I got a job working in a hospital, I New if I wanted to make it I had to get my act together for myself and my kids! I cleaned up my act, well for the most part...I'd still go out drinking but I quit the rest. About a year later I find myself pregnant...he was not on the same page as me as far as drugs and alcohol. He was out every night, I found myself scared shitless as to how he would handle the news. And for 9 months he partied every night while I worked and played DD for him and his buddies. Payback maybe, karma maybe? I hated my life at this point. What was I bringing a child into? The night I went into labor we had an argument that day and I said I had enough. Within 2 hours we had a beautiful baby girl! He held her and a look came over his face I will never forget. From that day forward he said things would change!
Life has been a ride for me I will never forget...none of which I would ever change. This is only a short PG version of my life. I had the world in the palm of my hands, beautiful homes,cars, and a husband who gave me everything. My heart wasn't in it, except for my children. I was stuck in a stuffed shirt life I couldn't cope with . I met a rock n roller (literally, I forgot to mention he is a musician and we spend a lot of time on the road) went back down a dark road only to realize we were meant to be. My children call him dad, he treats me like a queen, we spend every waking hour together....but most of all I am happy! I have been with him for almost 14 yrs and I have not once wanted to stray.
What would I change about my life? Not a damn thing! Going through the bad got me to the good! I had drug and alcohol issues for most of my life! It took being with someone who had the same addiction as me to help me realize it's not who I am or want to be. My struggles in life have changed from drugs and booze to what I'm cooking for dinner and a band tour itinerary that's conducive to my youngest schooling!
I know the one thing that didn't change...I still suck at writing!