Digital
2020
I have been inactive in art for the past 2 years. By the end of 2021, I experienced extreme burnout due to a lot of things I did during that time. 2 years have passed and I'm still burned out. Turns out, I have been living my life undiagnosed with ADHD for the past 27 years... (and possibly autism as well).
A lot of things happened in that year (2021). I moved out, started living alone, got a dog I had no idea how to take care of, learned basic life stuff, did interviews, became a speaker, did a commission, a lot of exhibits (international and virtual), barely any social activity, got poisoned by a gas leak in the house because I had no idea how to become an adult, did a lot of trading, did my own art at the same time, learned how to cook, basically I needed to create my own life structure.
Too much happening, too much changes, too much learning at the same time. Less rest, no vacation, less social activities, at the same time too much drama on the internet (crypto issues and stuff). Yep recipe for a burnout.
Perfectionism began to wonder my mind and it got stuck there. Because of a lot of sudden life changes, I wanted the things I do to be right because there was no time for me to waste - no time to do things over again if I make a mistake.
I thought I was a failure for not being able to do the things I needed to do. Getting up from bed became more difficult. Simple chores became so hard to do. Basically living became exhausting. I suddenly lost direction in life.
I got super confused WTF was happening with me.
All this time I have blamed myself, felt guilty about getting a burnout, calling myself lazy, etc. Tried so hard many times to "work" again, to make art again, because that's all I wanted to do all along. But no matter how hard I try, I continuously fail. It scares me to hold a pen, a paint brush, heck even just thinking anything about art.
I have done so many other things in 2 years... engaging in so many "new hobbies". Side quests as I would call them. This burnout really seemed different so I felt defeated regardless of how I try to recharge my battery.
I tried listening to self help content on the internet.
Be consistent!
Just hustle!
No motivation? Find one!
You can do anything!!!
It's all in your head!
They didn't work on me.
I just felt bad again and again.
I even procrastinated getting professional help despite having the resources and time to do so. I also got help from the wrong people... I ended up wasting some of that time (and money) until thankfully I found the right doctor.
Then, I got diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 27.
Everything started to make sense.
All my life I felt different from the other kids... and this is the reason.
There is also a possible autism that I think I may have alongside ADHD but I haven't been assessed with that yet.
A lot of ADHD signs have also showed up on my art. Sometimes I want change but I also crave consistency. I feel really guilty about changing styles, medium, and the overall look of the art but I also crave new things so bad. It was a constant struggle for me.
Everyday I wake up and plan things in my head. I should do this, I should do that... but I still can't seem to do it. Sometimes motivation is just not there. Of course I felt so bad about it.
Am I lazy?
Why am I inconsistent?
Why do I feel bad about criticisms that don't exist?
Why can't I focus?
I wish I could choose what to hyperfocus on, like when I started doing crypto art, but unfortunately that's not how it works.
ADHD diagnosis was the answer to my lifelong problem - a puzzle I seemed to never solve/figure out. It's like being constantly trapped in a labyrinth that I didn't even know I was in lol. I've always blamed it on my PTSD because at the time it was the only logical explanation to what I'm feeling (even though a lot of times it still doesn't make sense) but the main reason I got one was because I have ADHD lol.
In this day and time, everyone expects you to sit in an office for 9 hours, stick to one career, be committed, always be motivated, etc., but for people with ADHD that is a lot of pain to try and follow. Switching careers, changing hobbies, having different art styles, etc. are often seen as negative traits.
I'm so lucky to have a good support system and my fiancé beside me to "enable" my different interests every month lol. I also have a very supportive circle of art friends who would constantly invite me to art events and such despite not being active. Signs you know they haven't forgotten about you. :>
I am learning how to cope with it better and even embrace it. It will not be easy to just "be myself" since I have learned to mask and pretend to be like everyone else to be accepted. The medication also helps A LOT although it does not magically solve all my problems. I still have to do the work.
It will be another journey I'm looking forward to.
Omg you too! I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was at the ripe age of 32 😂 I got almost the perfect score on the test ✨I’m probably also on the spectrum but I don’t need to be diagnosed for that.
Tbh I kinda figured, and wasn't surprised on yours too haha. I thought of that when I was looking at your posts about building stuff around the house, different hobbies, exploring new things, etc. I guess when you learn about this stuff you start noticing it more (or easily) on others too.
Cheers to us women getting diagnosed late 😭😄
It’s a wonder how easy it is for us to spot a fellow ADHD girlie but professionals are only now catching up to the fact that girls have ADHD too, not just little boys. It’s funny that the only person ever to clock me was my grandma when I was just a toddler, but back then mom just laughed it off and said I’m just a normal curious kid, compared to my older cousin who was super mellow 😁
hahahahahaha.... naka relate ako.
pag di ko na kaya... nag -is-spoon theory ako.
hanggang sa maging okay na ulet.
I just heard about the spoon theory the other day hahaha. Same! Before medication need ko talaga i-plan what to do/ what I want my energy to be spent on kasi very limited. Now with medicines thankfully I don't have to think about them na. :D
bat kasi 24 hours lng per day. 😆
I can somehow relate. I don't have ADHD but both me and my mother have some mental issues. I don't have friends, most of the time interacting with people is very tiring for me. At times I get nervous about talking on the phone. Most of the time I only go outside if I have to. At times I forget how to write some letters. In the past I often called this being super introvert. I also spent most of my life without any diagnosis.
I get that talking on the phone is quite scary as well and it took me a while to conquer that. Is it the same as talking on the camera? It's a good thing you're doing gameplays and recording yourself at the same time, that helps a lot!
A diagnosis can make or break you, and as long as you are able to manage them without it then you should be good. Sometimes people don't want to give labels to the problem... and that's okay!
I think it is similar. But for now I stopped making let's plays- no one watches them but uploading videos takes very long time. So my last gaming posts only had some screenshots from the game but no video.
I don't think that getting diagnosis changed much for me. But perhaps it did bring some clarity.
Sounds quite like my experience. I got diagnosed at 28, which is more than 10 years ago now. The good news is that ADHD is very treatable, the vast majority respond well to medication (it may take trying a few different ones though), and even when you don't, there are many other treatment options. Medication is the most effective because it goes closer to the root cause, our brain's biochemistry.
Damn, 10 years ago there were less studies than now. I read in ADHD 2.0 book that ADHD is one of the most treatable disorders and it's so amazing how they're able to understand the science behind it. Taking my first stimulant was very mindblowing to me... after 10 minutes I can just function without having to struggle??? It's amazing lol.
I hope you're doing well!
Thank you for this article. This may be something I needed to hear 🙏
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A couple of years ago, I started to suspect I have ADHD. The signs were clear, but I never sought professional help. I don’t sit well with medications, so I’ve been trying different natural nootropics instead.
ADHD is self-defeating at its best. Though I have good concentration, my ADHD leans toward hyperfixation. When something grabs my attention, I’ll obsess over it for days or weeks. Then, once it’s done, I’m bored with it.
Sounds great, right? Not so much when hyperfixation hits in the middle of something important.
I’ll be at work and suddenly obsessed with a jigsaw puzzle, a programming language, a book, or a personal problem... or even writing this comment. All my mental resources go into that one thing until it’s done. I find great joy in it, while everything else feels mundane and forced.
I work GREAT under pressure. My best designs are always completed 24 hours before the deadline. I do love that side of me, even if my stress levels are through the roof.
To cope, I give clients shorter ETAs. What takes others a month usually takes me a week. I’ll tell the client two weeks because I know I’ll spend the first week ruminating on the problem and the second week actually doing the work.
I’ve tried Caffeine-Theanine and Bacopa Monnieri to manage my ADHD. Caffeine messes with my sleep, no matter how I balance it with Theanine. Bacopa helps me focus and manage anxiety but gives me weird dreams. I had to avoid it after being diagnosed with hypertension.
We can’t beat this; we can only manage it. We need to design a life that works with our kind of brain instead of forcing our brains to fit a mold. Neurodivergents just have to—oh wait, sh*t, I have to get back to work. Thanks for sharing!
A lot of ADHD symptoms can also mimic other disorders like PTSD, depression, bipolar, etc. that's why sometimes professional help can also help with determining/confirming the condition - not just necessarily for the purpose of getting medications. I personally don't like to experiment with stuff since I don't want to risk spending money on things that may not work for me (same with skincare lol) but whatever works for you!
Same with me with hyperfixation. To the point that that's the only thing I think about on that given time. Then you invest time and money for the new found hobby but then you lose interest and you feel guilty for spending so much.
We are opposite with caffeine effects. Caffeine makes me sleepy! 😂 Do you think you are hyperactive in that case? I think it's the hyperactive ones who can get more active with caffeine.
It's so hard to make a structure for ourselves when our whole life we've been taught to function like neurotypicals.
Woah, I don't even know if I should feel sad or happy! But 2 months ago, still at the age of 27, I was diagnosed with ADHD as well. It sucks, but knowing that you are not alone does make you feel better. Welcome to the club sister!
For me, I am happy that my burnout happened during a comfortable and safe place. That's also probably why it went quite long because there was no urgency! 😂 If this happened during another time in my life it would probably be bad. :x
I would actually say congrats to you for being diagnosed! I know it's so hard for women to get diagnosed and we are often misdiagnosed, invalidated, etc just cos there isn't much awareness yet but I'm glad things are changing.
❤️
The solutions is available, but not all the time those solution is effective, it may work to some, but not to everyone. It's like you are still trap there, while the others already moving forward. That's so hard ha, and for sure, not anyone can just understand this, sometimes you get criticize when they don't even know what you are going through. I'm just glad that you finally found the answer you've been looking for and that you have those people that stay and cheer you up during those hardest moments of your life. They are surely the kind of friends that is "for keeps." You are already doing great embracing what you are, good job on that part. It'll be a long and bumpy path but you are already making a nice progress. 💪❤️✨
The doctor said even with medications the patients have to experiment on what works best for them. I'm glad I didn't have to spend so much time on that part cos I immediately found what works for me.
Thank you for your encouragement! <3
I don't know why I relate much with this, Am I undiagnosed ADHD or what? I don't know and maybe. But thank you for creating this, It helps me a lot. Padayon Lang ta
The symptoms could mimic other disorders and not necessarily ADHD. There is no one way to diagnose ADHD though, not even all psychiatrists and psychologists can spot them easily that's why it is so important to find someone who specializes with ADHD. There are a lot of resources online about it and you can look into them. I guess the most important thing to remember when considering ADHD is that the symptoms should be present since childhood since it is an inborn condition.
👌