Recently my best friend moved away to Tennessee. With her, went her husband, her mom, and the furbabies that I have spent the better part of 12 years watching grow up.

And watch 2 out of 5 turn into assholes.

They are all wonderful animals and I love them... because I don't have to spend 24/7 having them destroy my house. My arrival was always announced by her calling through the door as I followed behind.

"AUNT STITCHY IS HERE!"

In response, I would hear Wilson skittering all 90 pounds of himself down the hallway. Once I got inside I would find his 90 pounds jumping up to say hello with copious amounts of drool.

The others would come and say hello, but since they are feline, they tend to take their time. If they were to seem too eager they would lose their Aloof Cat Club card.

But that's enough of my rambling. Let's take a look at the pack.

Alfred Von Waffles, a.k.a. Alfredo, a.k.a. OHYOUDICK.(Yes, I helped name him.)

Here he is, sitting in my lap, looking as cute as can be. But don't be fooled. This cat is the biggest asshole she ever found on the side of the road. If you love something? Kiss it goodbye. He breaks everything. And I do mean everything. Like the ps4. Every single mug in the house. Pottery. Knick-knacks of all varieties have fallen to their death with his assistance. He ruins everything.

And yet... there is something absurdly charming about him.

Gwendalyn (Gwen for short)

I am extremely allergic to Gwen's hair for some reason so I had to start sleeping in the living room when I would stay over instead of in the bed. Well, Gwen noticed that I looked oh-so-lonely and she, being the affectionate Tonkinese that she is, could not let that stand. So she slept ON or around my face. All night. I should also mention that Gwen is allergic TO HERSELF. She is constantly sneezing vile snot all over everything and her eyes are always leaking. She sounds like a chirping bird when she "talks", and her favorite place to be is either sitting on/ laying over your shoulder. If you're laying down, she will be licking and snotting around your face region and in your hair.

She's disgusting.

And I love her.

Wilson

Wilson was rescued from a girl we both went to high school with. When he was picked up, he was found to be in less than ideal living conditions. He was an outdoor dog with little shade and a water dish that looks like it hadn't been changed in quite some time.

Here he is, a couple years later, sneaking onto the couch to cuddle with "Aunt Stitchy" even though he isn't supposed to. But I ain't no snitch.

Wilson is pretty damn positive that he is a lap dog and I would never try to tell him any different. When you give him a treat, he snaps his teeth and jumps in the air. He also knows how to give hugs (but we aren't supposed to encourage that because he is so big, yadda yadda, someone will get hurt blahblah). He likes anything that you have and will gladly take a cheese poof out of your mouth if he thinks he has been given approval.

He is the goodest boy.

Morgan, a.k.a. Morgey-Porgey, a.k.a. Satan Incarnate

I mean... look at that tight-lipped scowl.
DID YOU KNOW THAT CATS CAN SCOWL?! I DIDN'T.
Morgan was found as a baby and taken in. She was hand raised with formula and lots of towel burritos. You would think that a cat raised with such nurturing and care would grow up to be lovely. Lolnope.

Morgan is a walking embodiment of bipolar disorder. She will sweetly meow at you, and once you touch her she will either enthusiastically embrace it... or maul you until you scream. She will then hastily retreat to SOMEWHERE in the house (or as in my theory, through her portal to the BOWELS OF HELL) and you will not see her until she is either hungry or pissing somewhere she shouldn't.

Her fur is really soft, though.

Last but certainly not least:

Mister Lister, a.k.a. Smeghead

Mister Lister was named after the main character in Red Dwarf. He was also the first animal she and I adopted together, and the oldest of all the animals you see here today. He is turning 12 this year!

If a cat could radiate monotone through its very existence, that would be Lister. He is very laid back and doesn't really care about much. Afterall, he is old as fuck. He's seen it all. For all, we know he could have kitty shell shock. But one thing is for certain, he definitely looks like a grumpy old man compared to the bright-eyed kitten he used to be! But old age looks good on him, he gets all of the snuggles from the whole family. You know, because he isn't a prick.

lister baby.jpg

Mister Lister and 18 year old me, days after we picked him up!

How time flies.

Honestly, writing this has made me very heartsick to show up and love on all of them. Looks like I have a trip to Tennessee to plan!

Pets That Aren't Really My Pets... But Close Enough.