Reports from the Geisler's Watermelon Mines show incredible damage to the interior of the stems on all produce. Both the stems and roots have shown signs of rot. Watermelon stocks, as well as their stalks, are plummeting.
All seemed well in the private Neptunian colony of Lacrimaeus, until this evening, that is. Three local aphysical teenage lifeforms were "felt" meddling with the force field generator behind Old-Droid Jenkins' radiation bunker. The validity of the statements came into question when one unnamed detective asked why a robot needed a bunker. There was no response.
Hey kids! Shut down your telephone glands and unplug your iNoids, this one's important! Does it ever feel like mom or dad just don't get you? Do you ever feel uncool? Like every other kid in class has the new Simulacron iNoid 7 Supercluster and you don't? Why is that? Is it because Mom said you aren't ready for the responsibility? Is it because Dad said you don't know the value of money yet? Is it because your unaided child-fingers would give way under the sheer weight of the dark matter used in the Simulacron Darklight CBT-X™ processor, featured in the iNoid 7 Supercluster? Well, here at Simulacron, for any reason you could possibly think of, we have a solution for you. Introducing the revolutionary M.A. and P.A. systems, and their physical counterparts, MATtie and PATtie. Simply install the OS to any MATtie or PATtie to have a fully-realized parental android, controllable with an app at your fingertips! We here at Simulacron want nothing more than the consumer.
It looks like to finish off the night we have a comedy sketch from the Soda Popinski's House of Obsequious Reptiles' very own improv troupe, Send Newts, please enjoy.
Stay gold, commandants.