I left home and moved out of state. When I arrived I discovered the beauty of being a stranger to those around me. No eyes watching my every move, no whispers, only silence. I reassured my family that I would be safe and that I was very happy.
Eventually, I moved in with my boyfriend who we will call 'N'. It had been four years since I had chosen to be in a committed relationship. I was so comfortable with my independence that becoming someone's girlfriend was something foreign. My intuition was telling me that he wasn't the one I would spend the rest of my days with, but I was convinced that we'd have a lot of fun together.
N was a self proclaimed entrepreneur and he worked from home teaching others how to grow their business through social media. He came from a wealthy family but wanted to make something of himself and shine on his own. He was a dreamer and he made several promises of all the amazing things we would do together. He was also one hundred percent full of shit.
Things started going downhill when I shared my EyeEm account and he had his first look at my photography. His reaction was nothing like I had expected. He made himself an account proclaiming his love for photography. He tried giving me advice on what my content should be and who I should be targeting.
When it became apparent that nothing would change on my end he confronted me, telling me that he was not comfortable with what I was doing. He couldn't see the artistic value in these images and proceeded to shame me. Enraged, I grabbed my phone and started deleting numerous postings.
He got angry, shouting that It was my fault and I should stop acting like a child. We continued to exchanged heated words. I couldn't remember the last time I was this upset. I could only hear the throbbing pulse in my head and feel a tingling numbness coursing through me.
Somehow I ended up in his arms. He spoke to me softly, telling me that it was all in my head. I had misinterpreted him and caused a pointless fight. He continued speaking sweetly, his words became inaudible and I found myself lost in thought. I began to question myself and became convinced that maybe I had misunderstood him. He suggested a change of scenery and without a second thought the issue was swept under the rug.
"I wish you could be more outgoing" he sadly whispered in a group setting.
"This is what we're going to do today!" His eyes sparkling with excitement which captured my attention. At the back of my mind I'd recall the last time I planned something and was ignored.
"I have a body of a god, you need to join me." He'd say, standing naked in front of our bathroom mirror.
Often we'd go for a walk on hot evenings and once I suggested we stop for frozen yogurt. He surprised me with a firm "No." taking my wrist and pulling me away. "If you gain weight then we're breaking up."
Overtime, his words began to sink in. Fighting became pointless. He was always on the defensive and would twist my words against me. I felt like I was losing my mind, myself and my freedom. I started to push him away, cutting off all physical contact and speaking less.
I was honest when he finally confronted me. I numbered off his faults and told him that I no longer found him attractive. He was appalled, gesturing to his physique like it mattered. As always, he could never do no wrong and the blame was on me. His shouts sounded like whimpering cries and all I could hear instead was one word, "Child."
He shot the bullet before I could and told me that he was getting a place for himself. I moved out early and stayed temporarily with a friend. N would call often, telling me how depressed and lonely he was without company. Inside I was laughing. Later he wanted closure and convinced me to make a "breakup" video for his YouTube channel to prove to the world that it is possible to remain friends after a breakup. We made the video. We're not friends.
When I told @kommienezuspadt about my ex he pointed out two things. One, that my ex was a narcissist and two, that he was gas-lighting me. I was slightly familiar with the first but had never heard of the later.
Narcissistic personality disorder-
If you have narcissistic personality disorder, you may come across as conceited, boastful or pretentious. You often monopolize conversations. You may belittle or look down on people you perceive as inferior. You may feel a sense of entitlement — and when you don't receive special treatment, you may become impatient or angry. You may insist on having "the best" of everything — for instance, the best car, athletic club or medical care.
At the same time, you have trouble handling anything that may be perceived as criticism. You may have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, vulnerability and humiliation. To feel better, you may react with rage or contempt and try to belittle the other person to make yourself appear superior. Or you may feel depressed and moody because you fall short of perfection.
(Source)
Gaslighting-
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or members of a group, hoping to make targets question their own memory, perception, and sanity. Using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying, it attempts to destabilize the target and delegitimize the target's belief.
(Source)
Thanks for reading.
I'm glad your finally free, @vermillionfox (I love your name, by the way), and I'm happy your sharing your art on Steemit. I'm following you :-)
The fox is my spirit animal. :) Thank you for appreciating my art!
You are very welcome, @vermillionfox. It's my pleasure.
It's difficult (if not impossible) to find someone to remain with, long term, until you can be comfortable with yourself.
I agree with you and yet there are several relationship built on the idea of comfort and a false sense of commitment towards their partner. What I wish is for someone to notice the signs of abuse early before it becomes harder to leave. Then they can learn to love themself. ☺️
Oh I truly feel for you...having dealt with this myself...so sad how time can be shared..and during that sharing.. be in so much pain..and just dealing with it while the inner voice is saying this isn't for you...leave...bless you...and your art and your success......move on..move up...
Thank you, you're very kind. I hope the best for you as well.
"gaslighting"... That someone would actually do that to another human is beyond me.
Some will do whatever they can when they feel desperate.
If we learn to love ourself, there is no need to get love in return by someone.
I agree, instead we can share our love with those around us!
Love hurts that's for sure.
We're complex beings and without communication between two parties there will only be suffering.
where is the love, there is nothing lovely here, no commitment, no giving, no caring. What love can there be if two people aren't as one. This speaks of a bad relationship, with a self-centered fool. Sorry for my lack of empathy, still this isn't love it's wanting. And yes as @rocksg said I'd say it a bit differently, there can't be love if you don't love yourself because then you would have nothing to give.
following, interesting stories and thank you for sharing them, I do wish more people thought a bit more about what they do, I'm one to always look for faults. Anyways trust your intuition, best of luck and I hope you don't find yourself in that rabbit hole again. Relationships are hard to "manage" and most people now are broken one way or another. So if you find a decent man, best of luck to you both :)
Yeah, my intuition has always lead me down a road that I've had to take. I've learned a lot from my past experiences and happy to hear that you find them interesting! We all end up broken but the trick is to take a step back and trust that there is someone out there that was made for you.
hopefully, those pieces shine brighter as a whole and as a favorite track of mine says in it's titles: Nothing lasts ... but nothing is lost. If what is on the inside isn't hurt the scars are only victory marks. It's rare to see someone share such personal stories.
Best of Luck once again I've spent too much time stepping back, so far I need to start getting "out there"
I love that, 'victory marks'. I'm in a really great place in life right now and writing this took a lot out of me. Thank you and I hope you put yourself out there!
Quite interesting story accompynied with your self-exploring pics, made this post worth sharing @vermillionfox. Upvoted, resteemed & DPS.
Thank you so much!
Hello my friend ...
nice
Thank you!
Beautiful shots!! :)
Thank you! Now, I just need to incorporate some acroyoga in and we'll be set!
Oh ya! You can do some suuuuper epic and beautiful acro shoots.
If you are ever in Northern California, let me know! I can teach you a bunch of acroyoga stuff and we can do a shoot! ;)
Oh, man. I'm gonna have to work on my core! 😂
sweet geezus that storry just gave me complete flashbacks of my creeper ex!
But now that you have been through that, cant you say you feel stronger and now you can recognize Narcissistic behaviors in others?!
I feel like I was given a super power (able to see through people) after going through hell with my sadistic Narc.
Glad your out of that relationship
I've always been able to read others well, but I'm naturally draw to people that are different. I've dated a lot of men with issues but he was on a WHOLE different level. Very happy to be away from all that mess and I'm glad to be able to make connections with others who have shared similar experiences. 🙂
Thanks for reading my story and I'll check it out.
Beautiful! Following!
Thank you! I'll follow back.
Narcissistic people are hard to deal with. I know! Nice photographs!
Thank you!