The first memory I have of going to church, not just sunday school, was when I was about. It was a Methodist church that had a big pipe organ and those stereotypical pews that are deceivingly uncomfortable.
All I could think was how bored I was, I had no idea what half of the words I was hearing meant, but damn, that organ was cool. The one thing that did stick though was this concept of "Hell". I didn't really know what it was, but it terrified me, and supposedly there was lots of fire. As I had previously learned thanks to a stove, that shit burns and that forever would totally suck, also no Gameboy colors i hell.
Around this time, I had made a good friend I'll call Bob. Bob and I were pretty much attached at the hip, except for church, so I started inviting him along, and even then, something in me knew that I was doing this for me. Having a friend that I could play with made getting through church easier, plus more time with friends is always better. After a few months another mention of hell came up and then it hit me, Bob was going to hell, and i panicked.
Here I am, a six year old, having a panic attack because my best friend is going to go burn forever. So naturally, I tried to talk to him and get him to "accept christ". I can't even imagine what I tried to say, but it didn't work. In the end i dropped it, mainly because there were more important things, like Pokemon and Toonami. But that fear of hell, and of others that I cared for going there, would be one of the hardest things to shake.
I was the same way. I always had questions because I could sense the BS even at a young age. That is why they start the indoctrination of fear at an early age, so it is all you know. The deconversion procees came naturally, but it was hard to separate from the fears. My parents have a better relationship with an imaginary friend then they do their own kids.
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