Watershed: A Memoir
Book Description:
Watershed: A Memoir is an inspiring coming of age novel that chronicles the struggles of a Teen named Stefan who overdoses on drugs, then finds himself alone and in an unfamiliar place. He soon makes new acquaintences and bonds which help him navigate through the dangers of living alone as a Teen who is homeless. He is forced to deal with tough social situations and even peril yet seldom breaks character despite the tough environment. Stefan recounts the daily life of living with these strangers who form their own tent city in the woods. Stefan is initially thrown to the wolves but comes out leading the pack. This is a true story of hope, courage and overcoming adversity.
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This book is a true story however the names of places, establishments, companies, persons or people have been altered to protect their identities. Events involving any person or entity have been altered vastly to further protect the individual or establishment. Any similarities in real life to this book is a pure coincidence and the author holds no responsibility to such claim as any perceived likeness is coincidental.
Special thanks to the Kboards.com community, in particular the 'writers cafe'. The fellow authors there have been a tremendous help to me. If it wasn't for them I wouldn't have made it this far.
Dedicatory
I dedicate this book to all the brokenhearted, the down trodden and the homeless of this world. God be with you, keep your spirits up and free your heavy hearts.
Preface
This book is full of events that have actually transpired, however I must first say before you read this that the names and places described in this book have been obscured to such a degree that any personal similarities to what I have written is pure coincidence. I change the names of people and the places to protect the identities of the people who I have met in this story. I myself, even writing under a pen name.
I admit I have made some stupid decisions in life and that I am no saint. I do not wish to garner sympathy or anything of that manner from writing this book. This is about an experience that I had went through at a dark point in my life. This book is a piece of my heart. Thank you for reading this and I hope you enjoy.
Please note: This book has violence, drug use, and foul language so if one is not an adult or of appropriate age then this should not be read.
CHAPTER 1 “BROKEN”
The sky was gray with overcast clouds on the setting sun of a Florida evening. I stood there staring up, quietly in prayer to a being I have never met before. The foil resting in my left hand and a straw held in my right.
“God.. please, I know I am in a bad place right now... If I take too much.. don't let me die.” I prayed softly.
A single tear ran down my face, I knew this drug really had me in its grip. The cycle had continued and brought me to this desperation. I wanted to reach out and get help but was afraid to face the consequences; so I kept my addiction a secret. The signs were all there, yet my Grandparents, who I was living with at the time, didn't have a clue. The drugs weren't mine until I took them, yet the allure was still there. My Grandfather suffered from a back injury that happened years ago and had many patches and pills full of opiates just laying around.
Where I was living was a drug addicts wet dream.
I was only 18 years old and naively thought I knew the world. I never really used hard drugs before, but for the bout of depression I was under, my ability to care was removed. Everyday became an adventure to find a way to get high. The daily goal was to take something that would make me numb, rid myself of the pain I felt and purge my broken heart.
Standing alone in the backyard of the house, I breathed a deep sigh. Lifting up the foil that was laden with opiate gel from a patch, I spread it evenly across the top and placed the straw in my mouth. My hands now shaking in anticipation of the
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release, I leaned over and lit the lighter I held hovering underneath the foil. The vapors rose up, [I can still never forget the semi-sweet taste of the drug] I inhaled deep and held it for a moment, then exhaled. The tightness of my chest and the anxiousness I had dissolved as my body loosened up and hands steadied. The release I had waited for all day had finally come.
It seemed like I was clawing at myself for eternity just to get to this point. Hiding my anticipation and problem all day from everyone was a well cloaked lie, a facade for the family:
'Nothing is wrong with me I'm just fine..' I would assure any concern to my dissociated trance.
The one hit wasn't enough so I took a few more hits, and then a few more. I just couldn't seem to make the bad feelings go away.
'Where's my euphoria, wheres the cure? Where is the joy in life?' Another tear falls as if an encapsulation of all the pain from the enduring sadness, breaking with it's stinging release.
Sniffling, another tear rolled down my face while I shuddered through another sob. I pulled out the patch and squeezed out the last few drops onto the foil. I observed how the clear gel mixed into some of the ash and residue from the last hit where the old joined the new like a swirling pool of ruin. The flame underneath glowed brightly, the foil soot up on the bottom as the lighter flickered. The drugs gave me a breath of uncertainty, I inhaled, but so deeply and so sustained. I held that breath as long as I could until I looked up at the sky and it was turning around me spiraling. I fell down limply into a bush, I started coughing and choking on my spit. Taking a breath was a great effort and I couldn't even open up my eyes if I tried. I became lost to time as the whole world became dark.
[Ah, sweet addiction; the ire of life.]
Darkness befell me, my thoughts were lost into a void that I cast myself into. I could faintly hear voices echoing around me, which grew louder. My mind and body became chambered, only peaks of sound and glimpses of light drew a vague constitution of my reality. I heard a woman's voice pleading me, asking for something, unintelligible to me at the time but the urgency was sensed. I lost almost all my comprehension, I was adrift in confusion and now at the mercy of others. The voice became louder but still was faint, yet persistent.
“What did you take?” she asked.
I thought for a moment, my memory and consciousness stirred; I must have overdosed. I hesitated but then tried to move my mouth and use my voice to
produce sound. My initial reaction was to lie once more but I knew that it was too late for my illusion to continue. I couldn't hide my addiction any longer.
“What did you take?” she begged louder.
Through the darkness that abounded I mustered enough strength to speak; knowing that if I didn't answer I would surely die.
“The opiate patches.” I whispered in a great effort.
“What did he say? -opiates?” the woman asked the others softly.
At that moment I heard some movement around me, but my reality was still in darkness. Voices seemed to be heard above me like I was underwater. I could hear my Grandfather mentioning that he had been prescribed medication and that I must have taken that. I opened an eyelid halfway and saw figures around me and a bright light of what I assumed must have been the back of an ambulance. My eyelid fluttered and dropped, I gasped for air while choking, and into the void I went again. The sound of panic around me and machines making rapid single tones echoed the air while they were trying to shake me back awake. Once again, into the dark.
My mind was off somewhere else, like I was in a dream or something. I was hovering out to a place I didn't know, or ever been to and saw a golden colored car in a parking lot. It was dark outside and I saw there was a two story red brick building that was at the center of the lot. There was an awning over the front of the building, and I could hear people talking about me and weeping. I couldn't see them so I kept looking around, curious what they were talking about. The car remained stationary as the voices drifted off, then into the void I went again. I didn't see anything else, only complete darkness; no light at the end of the tunnel.. just darkness.
∞
The sunlight radiated upon my face, a warm invitation to arise from the nightmare that I had been dreaming about. My body was weak, I felt very fatigued, yet I suffered my eyelids to lift slowly. I caught a brief glimpse of bright light, white walls and blurs of people walking around in medical attire. A hint of confusion did not intrigue me enough to trump my tiredness, so I closed my eyes again for awhile. Time passed on, soon enough I gained more strength. I heard the voices that were now louder and opened my eyes again. I could see that a woman in a white lab coat with brown hair walking past the room I was in. I looked down at myself and saw the white sheets I was tucked into, and the medical equipment in
the room. Then the realization struck me that I had not been dreaming. I was in a hospital.
There was a transparent tube that I was breathing into that had a half filled reservoir full of clear liquid. I looked at it curiously, observing how my breath fogged up the sides of the container. I followed the tube and saw that it branched off into a machine where I could see a breathing bag attached to it. My arms were sore and could feel the needles that were stuck in my wrist. I was hooked up to an IV that had a few bags of liquid that ran through to my veins. A steady mundane tone was heard from the EKG that was on the other side of the bed, Plastic sensors were in multiple places all over my chest and my index finger was in some kind of a device that read my pulse. I took off the thing that was on my finger and heard the machine sounding an alarm so I quickly placed it back on. The woman I saw earlier came back into the room and noticed me stirring about, then walked towards me and paused.
“Are you awake?” she asked.
“Yes.. are you a Doctor?” I asked, while sitting up.
“I am.” she replied putting her hands into her white Doctor's jacket.
“What happened to me?” I asked confused.
The Doctor looked over at me, her face full of disbelief, shocked I didn't know what had happened.
“You
overdosed on several opiates. You told the paramedics that you took your Grandpa's medication that he takes for his pain.”
I stared down at the floor, completely broken. My soul bled a little, my eyes welled up in regret. My shame revealed.
“You know your lucky to have survived this. You took enough of that medication to kill ten men. That drug you inhaled is very powerful, that is why it is in a dermal patch to release a little at a time through the skin. We lost your pulse a few times, you flat lined but we brought you back.” she stated plainly.
“There was a teenager about your age a week ago that did the same thing and he died.” She followed.
Waves of grief over took me, I was so embarrassed that my addiction led to this. This pain I have brought upon my family, my betrayal and my thievery of the
medications from my Grandfather. A part of me wished I had died at the time since I didn't know how to face my Grandfather with the truth. I knew his heart was broken.
“Thank you-” I answered, the hoarseness of my voice showing.
“Your welcome.” she interrupted dryly, clearly of disappointment.
The Doctor turned around and walked to the door then spun around before exiting.
“Don't do that again. What you did was very stupid. You are way to young to be playing around with something that will cost you your life. Don't throw your years away.” the Doctor said sternly and then promptly walked out of the room.
As I sat alone, floods of thought preceded my initial disdain, until ultimately intertwining. I tried to piece everything together, thought about how it all got here, what I was going to say to everyone or even what I was going to do next.
'This had went too far, I should have just asked for help or never taken it in first place' -the conclusion replayed in my mind, again and again.
The white walls of the room were lined with a few paintings of landscapes and glimpses of nature. Most with lightly painted water colors of birds hovering around flowers or common cliches of nature; a vain and hollow attempt of projecting happiness. Up above, a crucifix was hanging on the wall near my head. Down below a single vase of flowers sat beside me, now wilting over, which was a clue to how long they had been there. I took the remote that was sitting on the edge of the bed and turned on the Television. I flipped through the channels, stopping when I got to the local weather. I noticed it was Friday. It had been five days since the overdose and I had been out the whole time. I sulked there for what seemed like an hour, staring blankly at the Television, daunting the fact that I had to face my family. When thinking about that my sadness consumed me, I had so much loathing for myself and was not sure if I could manage it or not. The phone suddenly rang and I answered.
“Hello..?” I asked the silence.
“Stefan, how are you feeling?” my Grandpa asked.
I paused, not knowing what to say. My sorrow relapsed and transformed into bitterness.
“You should have just let me die.” I wept.
“No, no, Stefan I would never do that. Your my Grandson I love you.” I remained quiet so he continued.
“You know we found you in the bushes in the back yard. Grandma was worried we hadn't seen you all day so she talked me into looking for you outside. I saw you laying on the ground in convulsions, puking and choking on your vomit, I gave you CPR and called an ambulance.”
I paused for a moment and was getting really depressed and more upset. I had so many mixed emotions swimming through my head and wasn't thinking rationally. Instead of thanking my Grandfather I masked my shame with anger.
“I hate you! You should have let me DIE!” I screamed.
I slammed the phone down on the cradle, even surprising myself by my own reaction. I glanced over and saw a few of the hospital employees standing in the hallway clearly taken aback to my fit. They scuttled away with hushed tones after seeing me notice them in the hall. The phone rang again, to which I ignored.
The Weather man on the Television was mentioning something about how spring was only a month away and that the temperatures were on the rise. With sore eyes I gazed out the window that was next to my bed. Through the blinds, I could see life carried on blissfully despite my qualms. It was a nice sunny day and there were little flowers growing beside the green field that was next to the hospital. A line of trees well maintained, with very dark purple leaves were slightly swaying with the Florida breeze. I continued to breath into the tube in front of me, yet wondering if I still needed to or not. I saw the accumulation of fluid that had been captured in the tube from my lungs, and there was a lot.
'Wow' I thought, 'how could all of that have come out of my lungs?'
In a split second, addiction reared its ugly head and a dark thought entered my mind. I considered drinking the fluid in the tube to maybe see if it will get me high or not.
'Maybe there is possible remnants of the drug in there?' the creature mused.
I fought the temptations off and concluded that for better or worse those days are over. God had given me a second chance, an escape from the personal hell I had created; I needed to seize my new lease on life and not disown it. I shook my head at the sheer twisted brew of a moment I just had, realizing how the addiction to this drug was so utterly insane. A ray of hope came over me, a realization that perhaps I wouldn't have to face much of a withdrawal from the drug, being that I
was out for so long.
The phone rang another time, annoyed I hastily picked it up.
“Leave me the hell alone!” I yelled, once again my tense reaction surprise me.
“I'm so sorry to have disturbed you, this is Dietary we are calling to get your order for lunch..” said a startled female voice.
“Oh my God, I apologize... I thought you were someone else..” I pleaded sincerely. “It's okay, I forgive you.” she replied calmly.
The Woman asked me a series of options for dinner that night, and then hung the phone up. I was relieved to be getting food.
My stomach was well past growling by the time the food arrived, which came separated on a light brown cafeteria type tray. It was a chicken sandwich on a wheat roll, baked french fries, vegetables and a small carton of juice. I ate the food and thought about what I was going to do after I was released from the hospital. I knew one thing that was certain: I wasn't going to be living with my Grandparents in Florida anymore. Also there wasn't anything for me in my hometown of Cincinnati; my relationship with my family was pretty strained. Everyone argued a lot and there was plenty of strife between us all. I had left Cincinnati to avoid my parents after the Teenage rebellion years had hit a crescendo. There were five siblings total in my family, me being the first born son. I had always been the black sheep of the family, the one that always got into trouble. My Dad and I had arguments quite a bit. I remembered how I was always quick to rebel against him. A couple years I worked summer jobs while in school and saw most my money taken away for beer and other things since he seldom worked. Alcohol and lack of money had been a big stumbling block to the happiness of our family while growing up. I thought about all the dark times associated with living there and quickly dismissed a second thought of returning.
I began thinking about Anna who was at the helm of my sadness. We stopped talking to each other after a series of arguments and she had moved on for good. We had been talking for a few years up until recently, but had never even met. It was a strained long distance relationship, which spiraled from essentially being pen pals to thinking we were soul mates for each other. On the ups and downs of it her mother later said it wasn't healthy and urged her to date someone near her. We had met in a chat room online and from there were talking on the phone a lot. At the time I was only 16 years old and had never felt loved, so I was sucked in. I loved everything about her we had so much in common, our favorite bands and genres and shared a lot of conversations into the late hours of the night. In some moments of endearment when I heard her voice it was like a hug to me through
the telephone, a hug that was in the making of a lifetime; where my childhood nightmares and memories of my family arguments and problems were all washed away.
We had lied to ourselves, and said only if we could be together life would be perfect. But she lived in a small town in Northeast Ohio, and I had lived in the Southwest corner of Ohio at the time we first started talking. Over two hundred miles were between us, but we talked for hours as if we were beside each other almost every day. Over time this put a strain on us, we took a break from talking and I would date someone else and vice versa. At the end of it I was unhappy with my life, my emotions and not being able to see her. I turned to drugs in my misery, and in the end, it changed me.
After finishing my meal one of the hospital staff came into the room and took my tray from my lap. To my surprise, my Grandfather was standing at the door in the hallway. The hospital staff person walked out past him. Judging by the time he got here he must have drove over right after I got off the phone with him. Looking at his eyes I could see sadness, I then grew more ashamed. He walked over and sat in the chair next to the bed, I sat upright and faced him.
“I am sorry I said those things, I feel quite low right now.” I said to him.
“I figured it was probably the drugs. You know son, you broke our trust and our hearts. Grandma said there's no coming back. You have to take a bus and go somewhere else.” he said to me with sadness.
“Yeah, I don't want to go back either, I can't be around all those things you take anymore. I feel so bad about what I did.. you know I got so depressed for awhile. Seeing you two in the bad health is depressing and all, and I was off and on all the time with Anna. I never would have thought someone like me would be doing something like that, when I used to get upset I would smoke pot or drink and I didn't have any of those here so I tried some of your meds' once and the addiction was so strong I just couldn't stop..” I said sobbing my regret.
“I told you Stefan, what I take is very addictive.. you should have just told me you were doing this we would have got you help son.” he assured.
“I'm sorry I just didn't want to get into trouble.. I knew it would change how you thought of me, I really did want to quit but after months and months if I had just went a few days without it I would get really tense and just couldn't take it.” I stated.
He sat there looking at me, tears were streaming down my face, my sadness bare clear. This incident was the biggest regret in my life, how could I have stooped so low? I turned and looked towards the wall. He patted me on the arm and said “It's
okay”. I then sobbed some more, we hugged and then the room grew silent for awhile.
“We have your money that you were saving up, the Doctor said that they could only stabilize you, then let you go, since you don't have any health insurance. I will pay for your bus ticket, and I'm sorry son I don't want to kick you out but she said if I didn't she would divorce me. So where do you want to go.. back to Cincinnati?” He asked.
“No, there's nothing there for me. I know where I have to go.” I mumbled. “Where's that?” he inquired.
I then told him where I wanted to go to, that city up in Northeast Ohio, which was about twenty miles from where Anna lived. It was the closest that the bus would take me, I figured I could get a job and try to make amends with Anna and finally meet her. It was eating me up inside to have shared the most intimate details with someone and even care deeply for them and to have never met them. There were times when I tried to see her but the plans always fell through. We always talked about it.
“Why would you go up there Stefan?” he asked with surprise.
“Your not trying to meet that girl are you?” he added his inquiry with a half smirk.
“No.. There are a lot of jobs up there for welding, I looked on the internet a few months back and saw the job listings.” I lied.
“Well okay, if that's what you want, your a man now that's your decision. Just remember that I love you and always will. You really broke our hearts and in time she will forgive you. I already have. You get some rest now, I will be by tomorrow in the morning with your bus ticket and your clothes fully packed.” he proclaimed while standing up from the chair.
“Okay, thank you. I feel like crap I am really sorry Grandpa.” I pleaded.
“It's alright, I will see you tomorrow.” he said as he walked out the door.
I laid there in silence, a lot of thoughts were running through my mind. I felt kinda relieved getting all of it off my chest. The addiction was a burden that I had been hiding from my family for a long time. Maybe it would be good for me to get out into the world and define myself in a new place from the ground up? Even though the economy was bad, I was confident that I would get hired somewhere and start
fresh in life. Yes it would be hard but not impossible -I reasoned.
Along the shore of Florida, the best job I could manage was a welding job which only lasted for a few months. Work dried up shortly, I was laid off and then I had to take a job as a clerk at a gas station. The part of Florida I was in was more about hospitality and tourism not so much for industry. Ohio, with its familiarity to me and its factories, seemed more likely a place to get a job. I grudgingly remembered the fact that a year ago I had left the state vowing to never return.
The phone rang in the room and the person on the line asked me what I wanted for breakfast. I went with the eggs and toast, not being a big fan of cereal. I hung the phone up and my eyes began to fully receive the morning in its splendor. The sun was just breaking over the horizon and cast its rays across the coastal areas, drying the dew that set over night on the grasses. The birds were chirping outside my window and clustered up well into song. They were like ambassadors of nature announcing a new day, or for me I thought; a new beginning.
'My last day in Florida' I thought to myself breathing a sigh.
The food arrived so I thanked the person who brought it to me. The worker told me that the Nurse would be in soon after breakfast to take the sensors off my chest and needles out of my arms. I ate my meal and set aside the tray, my Grandfather had arrived again shortly afterward.
“Good morning,” I told him. “Feeling better?” He asked.
“Yes.. but could use a smoke. They said the Nurse will be in soon to take off this stuff.” I answered.
He nodded his head and sat down, we talked a bit about my future plans in life. A little later the Nurse walked by him and she set some paperwork down on the bed for me to complete. I filled it out and signed on all the x's, she took the chart and set it aside and proceeded to hastily take the needles out of my wrists, then taping gauze over the punctures. The sensors on my chest ripped off some of the few chest hairs that I had acquired making me wince a little.
“Okay, well lets not have you in here again with the same problem. Take care.” she announced, a hint that it was time to leave.
I put my shoes on, stumbling a little when standing, my grandfather stood waiting holding his car keys in his hand. The jingle of the metal was yet another indicator to a bit of impatience. We then walked out of the hospital and the sun shone really
bright that day. There was a breeze blowing warm air signaling the end of winter was here. Even though I lived in Florida the north part of the state did get a little cold for a few weeks of the year. At my request we stopped so I could get a couple packs of cigarettes, I lit my first one in a week and was so light headed. From there the trip was short to the bus station nearby, we parked out front and my Grandfather turned and sighed.
“I really hate to do this, but I have no choice son.” he said while handing me the bus ticket.
“Its okay.. I understand.” I reasoned.
We both got out of the car, my luggage stood right next to me. I gave him a hug and then he sat back in his car to watch me leave. Glancing down at the ticket schedule, I could see that it was going to be a long ride from Florida back to Ohio, with several stops along the way. Twenty six hours total of driving and layovers. Needless to say, it was going to be a long trip.
I walked through the terminal, sat down and waited for my bus to arrive. There were many people milling about reading their bus schedules, or on the phone chatting. I looked over and saw others were boarding buses that were parked outside. I stopped and wondered in that moment if I had made the right decision for my destination in this new lease on life. To be honest, I was anxious that I was about to go to a place I've never been before. My bus had just arrived, the man at the main counter spoke over the PA system notifying all those going North to get into line with their luggage beside them. I obliged, and eventually handed a ticket over and stepped onto the bus then sat down in my seat. The bus was pretty empty at this point it looked like only a few of us would be headed to the next station. I knew well enough it would be packed in a few hours after a few more stops. I could see my Grandfather backing up to drive away, It broke my heart to see sadness in his eyes that I had put there.
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