Really interesting post mate. Very personal.
You said that Ben goes to high-school, yet he's only 14. Is it normal for kids to be in high-school when they're 14 years old?
I'm used to high-school being for 15/16 years old kids.
Regarding the "knocking out coffees", why do you allow that? Sorry, I know close to nothing about autistm so please don't take this the wrong way but, couldn't you just say "No, don't do that ever again"?
Yeah, 14 is pretty common for freshmen in the US.
This is a very good question. For children with autism, verbal queues may not be internalized. Communication paths are just different. If I tell TJ that I do not like certain behavior, sometimes he realizes I'm unhappy. But the next time the situation arrives, he just can't help himself. There's a disconnect between what we find socially acceptable and what he wants to do and no amount of escalation will address the issue.
Instead, we have to find a different strategy. We do not want TJ to knock people's coffee cups, so while we look for alternatives, we have the starbucks cards.
One strategy to deal with it is to see the cups when TJ does and try to get him to verbalize instead of acting out. The goal is to try to replace the action with words, eventually.
Thank you for answering!