"SO closed to the idea of kids that I was completely shut to the possibility of finding any inspiration in that. Straight up - I had been pretty selfish, and I suppose had placed higher value on fantasies of grandoise success & adventures more than love."
I had that program playing in my mind too, until the age of 39, the last gasp of fertility reared its ugly head.
But having a child has actually created a more refined version of myself. I never understood the interconnectedness of life and suffering, now I see that interconnectivity is the invisible power between all beings. (woo woo stuff)........being interconnected is the way of health....I'm still learning these lessons actually.
My subconcious desire to breed took over and I found myself indiscriminately embracing love. Love for everyone. It was odd. I realized that in order for me to continue on and experience another dimension of life, I would need to give up control. I gave it up instantly. Too fast. I got pregnant instantly. Mind you, I wasn't conscious of my desire to have a child. It was not a well-thought out plan. It emerged from my lizard brain, the part that wants to live forever through offspring. I fought this urge my whole adult life, and would stay unattached to men, for I didn't want to settle. Settling down was equated with death. The kind you mention. But I realize my thinking was from a bad program. Or, I wasn't yet fully developed inside. I had to go through 7 years of solitude to find out who I was.......my insecurities have gone away with the self-knowledge.
There's one area yet, that I do not know.....and I see it possibly manifesting after financial independence is accomplished. The hierarchy of needs by Maslow is pretty correct in my situation.
Fear has receded, self-confidence has re-emerged, and I see that soon after some financial stability and creative output is reached, I am moving towards the next step. I never knew how these stages worked until recently....
Not sure if I ever saw this comment, or just didn’t reply... reading again now, as though it were the first time - and grateful for it. 💓