I have never poured my heart out to anyone telling everything that I feel and thoughts and rarely tell anyone my problems, I don't know why but there just seems to be a wall so tall I can't reach out to them. I mostly hide my depressive thoughts to everyone by wearing a mask not showing my sad depressed face. I reduce frequency of hanging out with friends and any social interaction when I'm tired, not physically but mentally. I am an introvert, but I really like hanging out with some really close friends of mine, but have reduced it these few days due to the rising depressive thoughts lately. The higher the level of depressive thoughts, the harder it is to wear the mask, and the harder it is the more tiring I feel. However I do feel left out if I didn't join hanging out and feel a distance growing between the more days I didn't join hanging out.
I am certain that I am unable to tell anyone my problems, to my family is because I don't want to burden them with my problems and I don't think they'll be able to fully understand me and create unnecessary worries for them. Friends will listen to all my problems and even give me advice, but is it because they really care? I doubt it, I personally feel they are just curious. My observation is when someone tells others that they have a problem, the reaction will be "what happened?" or "do you want to talk about it?" not "are you okay?", and after listening to all your problems they give an advice, and done. Is that care? I don't think so, there are some friends that I think will really care for me when I tell them I have a problem, but I also can't tell them because I feel that they won't be able to really understand my feeling. I know, how would they understand my feeling if I never told them, and how would I know some actually really care if I told them my feelings, the answer is, I just know. Most of the time it's because I feel that my friends and family will not be able to understand my problems and judge me instead, I know it's not nice to put it like this, but I don't think they have the capacity to fully understand my problems. I do want to visit psychotherapist/psychologist but have no courage to do so, I don't know why, it just seem scary.
I have been sleeping very late these few days, around 3 a.m not because I can't sleep, but because I don't want to sleep. Part of my stress is related to my work, therefore I don't want tomorrow to come. I totally have no problem going to sleep, the moment I go to my bed and close my eyes I will be asleep, but I don't want to. These depressive thoughts stay with me disregarding day or night, it's just that during the day the depressive thoughts are mixed with pressure and self blaming. I just want the night to stay longer, and maybe the day never comes. I do feel better writing blogs like these for I know nobody knows me, therefore I won't be judged and I never expect any care from the strangers therefore it doesn't really matter.
If anybody here feels the same, just know that you are not alone. I can't be there for you, but you're not alone, also new hobby helps out a lot to take things out of your mind. I just started learning mining and trading cryptocurrency and is helping me to have some escape moments from those depressive thoughts.
You can never solve a problem on the level on which it was created.
- Albert Einstein
Please do share your feelings with close friends. They might not understand your thoughts but will understand your feelings if you share them.
Lots of people felt like you. The world is so much more beautiful if you survive this phase.
Enjoy the world of cryptos! And don't let a downtrend depress you more than you already are. Like cryptos. There will always be an uptrend! Just wait for it ;)
@piranha It's just so hard for me to do it, I don't think I can
But I will surely survive this phase, or at least live with it. I have ever thought of ending my life but is very certain I have no courage to do it, moreover I can't do it knowing the harm it will bring to my family
Thanks for worrying about me @piranha, I appreciate it a lot
Have a good day
Hi Derp, I guess that's good news. I must admit I thought a number of times about you past 2 days.
So..... then you have no other option than make the best out of it! ;)
You are smart and you rock! Why? Well you're in cryptos and found Steemit! So there is one fact we Steemit know about you; you're not stupid!!
Now just start sharing your thoughts with friends or family. They will blaim- and you will regret in years from now if you don't.
Good luck Steemian!
Hi @piranha I'm not sure if you will see this comment, I just saw it now
my eyes get a bit watery reading this from you
Thanks a lot, I get a sudden surge of feel inside me
You actually cared even though we're strangers, it feels very weird but I'm touched
It actually made me sad and happy at the same time, happy to receive care from you, sad that I can't follow your advice yet
I will slowly work my mind through
I do get feeling of release everytime I shared some of my burden here, but recently found out that steem's post can't be deleted
Fear that one day my friends might see my posts, I am no longer going to post such blog here
Thanks a lot, really very much appreciated
Merry Christmas!! @derp91 🎅🖖🏼🕯️🍾
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