So, I can’t help but to share... this pic is of my dad. I had to steal it off Twitter. We don’t talk. I haven’t known him for over 25 years... I stalk his twitter feeds sometimes to see if he has written anything new and to peep what he’s up to. But honestly all I remember since then is a couple rough emails of him telling me “good luck with your life”... truth is he may have really meant that... but I only saw it as I’m a disappointment...that he never wanted me anyways... I was told when my parents split... he said you take the girl... I’ll take the boy... and then that was it... I never felt real love from him after that, we tried throughout my young years... each time we had a visit at the drop-off’s, he’d be distant... My most prominent memory of him was in a hotel room... he was on his guitar singing “on the road again” by Willie Nelson and I remember seeing in his eyes the truth of who he was... it is my most painful and most awesome memory of him, it’s the replay over and over again in my head that haunts me... since then I only knew him in my dreams... the bits and pieces of my stalking is strange to me... I feel like I’m such a part of him.. he’s dark and stormy, so much wisdom yet a “I don’t give a fuck what people think” attitude... I carry my moms light though, maybe that’s what turned him off... but I’m still stuck in the storm whether banished or not...
25 years later I am still haunted my him.. I can’t stop thinking about how family karma doesn’t escape us until we deal with it... the swirl shaped tattoo on my arm says it all... you will be revisited by your past time and time again, it may take different shape but it there... same issue, same ghost...
I took it upon myself to write to him today... I have no idea if he responds or if he banished me fully from his mind... but I couldn’t help myself today... I share with you now because I get the beasts that live in a lot of your heads... the pain that lingers... the hope you try to focus on... my profession does that for me. I thank you all for that.. I also want you to know you are not alone. ❤️
so here goes what I wrote today to him..
“Hey dad... been thinking about you a lot lately.. I’m headed to Costa Rica soon for a big change in environment and some healing and for some reason you keep coming up in my dreams and thoughts... not exactly sure why but I have a peculiar feeling that it has to do with the internal work I’ll be doing. You have never escaped me... maybe in your mind and your life you’ve made for yourself, although I’ve never truly known the cause of what feels like distant for me, I can only inference the reason.
I see you are traveling and what I sense is that you are happy... I commend you for that, and for following your heart. To me that is admirable and believe it or not, I believe you gave a bit of that to me... with my Sagittarius heart ❤️, I am constantly thinking of what the world has to offer apart the the mayhem that exists within it.. I look outside the box all the time. I appreciate the weird and rejected because those are often the most insightful artists.
I won’t go on too long, not to bore you... my only objective here is to let you know I think of you often... and wonder if we might of been able to have a deep connection if only family bitterness and pain didn’t build a wall. Maybe I fantasize too much... but I have that shadow that lurks too, i once saw in you, I am now also trying to use it to make light...
regardless, whether you care about this message or not... know that I do. I send you love often and I hope you feel it. ❤️🙏”
And that was that...
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