"In spite of its function as a reservoir for human darkness—or perhaps because of this—the shadow is the seat of creativity."
— Carolyn Kaufman
When we are children, we are wondrously curious about shadows — those in the closet, those on the sidewalk, even those within ourselves already formed or forming. Carl Jung wrote, "...the result of the Freudian method of elucidation is a minute elaboration of man's shadow-side..."
What is the shadow-self? It is everything hidden within us. It's all the information that's ever passed through us passively. It's all of the epigenetic memories on our bodies "blockchain." It's our dreams. It's everything forgotten — like, most of our high school trigonometry lessons. It's our unconscious, subconscious, and supraconcious. It's our secrets, our taboos, our sins, our shames, our pain, our hypocrisies, and our secrets. It's the part of us we shut off to be professional in the workplace. It's the part we tuck away in front of church pastors, our grandparents, and the cops. It's our traumas, our experiences and perceptions that justify our coping and defense mechanisms. It's the seat of our creativity, our intuition, and our power. And even then, infinitely more. It may well be the collective unconscious itself. It may well be consciousness itself. Perhaps it’s dark energy. However you choose to label it, its dark, its dense, and its real. And it’s in each of us.
I have a vivid memory of being a child, about age 7 or 8, and eating grapes on sunny weekend morning — my neighbors grapes. These grapes grew in my neighbors yard and ever summer some of the vines would hang over my backyard fence. I would pick them and eat them on the spot, not even thinking to wash them or anything. I never thought anything of it. It was food. And playing in the yard at that age was hard work. We didn't have smartphones and things like that in those days. We had our friends, nature, and our imagination to play with.
I remember the day my grandmother caught me eating the grapes. I was filthy head to foot. I had been playing cars in the backyard. The cars were rocks though — rocks I dug up from the yard. The city was made of bricks and other stuff my friends and I found. The roads were framed with sticks. We even had a river — a toxic river. Don't ask where the toxic river came from... It was car oil; the kind that looks like foil and forms a rainbow.
She came out onto the porch to smoke a cigarette. That was totally normal at the time, smoking. Everyone smoked. Checking on us kids was her chance to smoke and catch the breeze I guess. Well, on this hot day I was especially dirty and sweaty. I looked entirely feral, like I had been raised by wild coyotes all my life. I loved it. And my parents never worried about dirt, so I was extra messy. And I was extra hungry. So I went for the grapes as I normally would, thinking nothing of it.
Without a second to spare, I heard my grandmother bark out in a stern voice, "STOP! Shame on you! What are you doing? Don't touch those!" I froze right in my step — like I just got tagged in freeze tag. "That's stealing!" she said. Confused, I turned to her and looked up to the porch and responded, "No, it isn't."
Every kid in the yard with me froze in that moment, eyes wide open, as if I'd just guaranteed each of us a lightning storm of spankings. But my grandmother was a soft spoken woman usually. And so her shouting beckoned my father to come see what's going on.
The yard children around me each started to reposition themselves during this moment of opportunity. My younger (by 10 months) sister drew closer to me, as she's always been somewhat my twin in defense. My downstairs neighbors scurried off to the sidelines out of sight of the adults, but still in my sight. And my best friend, still frozen in position, stays put and begins looking at all parties in the conflict back-and-forth; hand still on a rock-car, as if wondering if it's safe to resume playing.
I tuned into the discussion happening on the porch between my father and grandmother. It was a bit difficult to do this given my sensory struggles and the chaos didn't make it easier. But I managed to broaden and focus my ear on their debate.
"Well technically if it's hanging into our yard, we can cut it off so I don't see a problem with her eating the grapes off it." my father said to my grandmother. (I had missed the beginning of the dialog.) My grandmother replied, "It's stealing. It's wrong. And she's dirty from the yard. God knows what germs are on her hands anyway." I drew closer to my sister. "Girls, come upstairs and wash up." my father yelled to us. He seemed annoyed, but compliant with my grandmother’s wishes.
My sister and I went upstairs and my mother began drawing us a bath. My grandmother had already went back to watching her programs on her small 13 inch black and white television. "Did I do something wrong?" I asked my father, as my sister closed in to listen for the answer without being so conspicuous. "No," he said, "You did nothing wrong at all." I responded, "But grandma..." (pointing my finger to the next room) Just then my father grabbed my hand, hiding it from view. "Listen, different grown ups have different rules."
I felt bad inside. I didn't even know why. My stomach hurt so bad and both my parents knew it. I thought I would cry but I didn't want to. I was overwhelmed with conflicted thoughts and emotions. I whispered, "I'm hungry daddy. Grandma made me feel really bad about eating."
I remember this in so much detail because it was traumatic for both my sister and I. I've asked her about this scenario and she doesn't remember it ever happened. But I know after this day, my sister was different about food and so was I. My sister became a plump child, eating whatever she could when she could, as if food was scarce; and as if it was the only opportunity. I believe her metabolism was damaged because of this incident alone. Mine too, and my body image. Because I didn't like to eat much at all and certainly not without approval and permission.
What happened here? We were shamed. Shame is a powerful thing — especially on young impressionable and not fully informed minds. Here began the fear of germs, the fear of getting dirty, the fear of getting caught doing something, the fear of eating when hungry, the fear of unwashed food, among many other concerns. I swear, I don't recall ever giving a damn about any of those things before this moment.
This situation changed me, not instantly, but gradually. The seeds of shame were planted just like those grape vines in my neighbor's yard. My sister and I took a bath that day, had an early supper and went to bed, apprehensively hugging my grandmother goodnight— who'd long brushed off the entire thing.
I recall my sister and I laying on our bunk beds talking about it. "Grown ups are weird." My sister said. I agreed. I asked my sister, "So, do we follow grandma’s rules or mom and dads?" She replied, "I think mom and dads. I think dad was just letting grandma win so she won't be mad." "So who's right?" I asked. She didn't know.
When my mother came in to tuck us in, I asked her who was right. She responded in a gentle voice, "We're both right." That just made everything even more confusing to me. But I let it go. Mother kissed us goodnight and that was the end of it.
We never thought of it again. I never thought of it again until many years later, in my adulthood when I was thinking of my grandmother after she passed away. I was thinking of memories of my grandmother, good and otherwise. Thinking back unlocked deeper memory of her, and then one memory after another. One woman, a wonderful woman — don't get me wrong here — influenced me so much in one moment.
Do you ever wonder how many people and how much information shaped you into the person you are today? The answer is all of it. Even reading this now may shape you a little bit. We are constantly reforming, reformatting, readjusting, realigning, and in simpler words — transforming.
Back to the shadow-self. We all begin in total darkness — comfortable, in the dark, murky, wet, dream-like habitat of our mother's womb. This is the safest and only environment we know at this point. We are a shadow in a way to her, our mother. Then we are purged into the light. We freak out, cry, it's painful, it's traumatic, it's separation from our source, and we learn duality — we just don't understand it yet.
As we grow up we hone our skills of comparing, contrasting, and contending information. Intelligence is informational and we learn to learn, learn to discern, learn to discriminate. Later we learn to judge, to segregate, to physically divide and compartmentalize not only things but ideas. We sort, we categorize, and we re-categorize everything and each other. As immature minds we do this in black and whites. We make right vs. wrong. We put positive at war with negative. We make good at war with evil. We pit dark at odds with light. And we perpetuate this black and white thinking — so often, simply out of self-interest and laziness. Absolutism feels safe.
Most of us grow up and start to see the spectrum in everything. It's always been there. There's always been millions of hues of color. There's always been exceptions to the rules. But if the machine is to run smoothly, there has to be a perception of conformity — civility — compliance, for everything to not come tumbling down... or is that just something we tell ourselves.
Shadow-work is about reclaiming the parts of ourselves that have been suppressed, oppressed, and have come to be taboo. It's about healing that shame that may no longer serve us. In my case, my grandmother — while well meaning — influenced me to have a bad relationship with food. I can't tell you how many diets I've tried, how many ISMS I've made my religion from pescatarianism to lactovotarianism. It took me a long time to just be grateful toward the life I survive by. Eating when I'm hungry, eating what's sustainable and available, eating what taste good — and what doesn't, eating what looks good — and what doesn't, and discerning the pity judgement toward my food from the gratitude I feel for eating it, took half of my adult life. But this isn't just about me, or just about food.
Who is your authentic self? Don't answer though. I leave you with these questions. Are you everything you are behind closed doors or only the person you show the world? Does your shadow belong to you or do you cast it off — or only cast it off when certain people are looking? And are you aware that people exist that can see all of you, as if your soul were naked? What if I told you that you are beautiful, no matter what anyone thinks about you — no matter what you think about you; would you agree with me, or disagree with me? Or agree sometimes, and other times disagree?
Moreover, as whole being(s) we are able to reflect on ourselves and each other. Some say that people are brought toward us because each connection is an opportunity to reclaim a lost part of ourselves.
I'd like to finalize this by saying that tomorrow is my 41st birthday. I don't like the idea of getting older; just being up front. I don't like it because I wish sometimes that I knew then what I know now. But I'm sure I'll say that again when I'm 61 looking back at 41. I would have reclaimed more of myself sooner. And I still have so much to explore, including every new tweak that happens on a day to day basis. Knowing and loving oneself is a commitment. And it's a commitment burdened by the judgements and risks of not only society, but on oneself — for many tears are shed in regret of the time lost with oneself.
The beginning.
Curiously my grandmother who I know loved me her own way also shaped me and made me feel awkward with myself. " You are so pale, too delicate will wither soon" Her encouraging sentence used to be " you are not pretty like your cousins but at least you are smart". I barely took pics of myself until mid 20s. I take selfpotraits today as an exercise of acceptance. We are around the same age.
About shadows... I come from a different kind of shadow... A shadow that walks with me, we jump together from shade to shade, light is hurting sometimes. I befriended my fears and became one in part. Up is the mystery one day I will explain.
The article can make you cry, but this comment makes me laugh! I can imagine you thinking, "please kick the bucket grandma".
As children, few of us (and maybe it's more female than males) feel resentful towards our elders for their remarks. Hence why they so deeply affect us all.
Thank you for sharing @yidneth. ♥️ Tis my bday so I haven't been able to check all of my notifications. I deeply appreciate your contribution to this post. Indeed, generational differences can be so vast le sigh Sometimes I wonder if it was just the child-rearing trend or what.
Befriending fears is a whole process in itself, one I don't have words for. I hope one day you DO explain. Feel free to tag me if you ever decide to write on such things. I'd very much enjoy reading them.
Oh... I will... I know a lot about shadows can become one sometimes... that's my superpower :)
but yes, maybe not with bad intentions... but sometimes adults can mess it up :)
by the way happy birthday hope you had a great one!
@yidneth Thank you, it was pleasant 😍.
The shadow work is the best bit. It's where all the gold is hidden.
The Positive Thinking movement has a lot to answer for.
Thanks for your comment @eftnow I agree with you about the buried treasure. Mostly here speaking on how things end up in the darkness to begin with. As adults, I believe we put more in our own unconscious and skeleton graves than that which was ever shoved in there by others anyway. But that's another blog. ♥️
Just by reading this post I am thinking of instances where I as shamed and how it changed me, how I retreated and changed how I am just to be accepted to feel that I am not divergent.
When you are young you want to belong.
@maverickinvictus I think in ways we all want to somehow belong, or at least know we can if we wanted to belong.♥️
I had never heard of this shadow part before actually but your example makes really good sense.
I think often totally do not realize how their behavior affects other in their way of thinking or what finding normal.
example: I was grown up living with the kids who also lived in my neighborhood. girls AND boys. we had slumberparties till about the age of 12, still girls AND boys.
I mentioned this to my caribbean colleagues a while back when living there. They found it unacceptable as parents. slumberparties..?? and with boys even??
I find they are forgetting that at that age sexuality is not a taboo as yet and kids should feel comfy about it.
Now what reality in the caribbean is is a skyhigh teenage pregnancy rate (im talking like 12/13 years old)....i dont know it there is a connection, but it sure as hell wont help I guess.
im not finding my words really but you catch my drift right?
Those types of connections aren't imaginary dear @katinxxl and not some form of coincidental synchronicity. Blind studies have been done over and over on the dynamics of influence. It's just a very uncomfortable topic for many of us to broach, never-mind, entertain. As is the idea of a dark-side— alone, it has many stigmas attached.
What a beautiful read Omi... im almost angry at you for making me emotional...
Thanks for reading @meno. That's meaningful to me. ♥️
So I waited to read this post, more so that I could savor the flavor and I am so happy I did. Firstly what a wonderful writer you are, I gotta say thank you for continually impressing with quality and finesse. Secondly I appreciate all these insightful responses.
I see shadow as an aspect of greater self. Greater as expansive rather than any better or worse. To be free from my subconscious judgements around duality feels liberating to me. Perhaps "me" as in the perceived separation from primordial existence LOL! You, me, light, dark, good, bad and granny; aren't they all synonymous reflections and projections in the sense that no one exists without the other? From absolute there is no separation, right?
Anyway, not to go too far on an existential tangent. I love the recollection of this story. The vividness of the scenes and the sharpness of the details. What speaks to me is the paradox of how at such an early age we detach from that which we spend a life time reconnecting? To simply be here now.
What I mean to say is perhaps after going the long way round, shadow work exists purely to provide both basis and contrast that helps one feel that this whole thing appears "real". For how else is this life ledger, this genetic block chain of any value to us?
Thanks for sharing your currency, shadows and all. Great read.
Omi, you got talent coming out your ears. Existence can be complex, huh? But it's the in-between bits, the liminal bits, the shadowy bits, that are often richest, and together, as you suggest, they go a long way to making us what we are as individuals. I actually don't do birthdays, but for you - as Lenny Cohen once sang - I'll make an exception. Happy birthday when it comes. :o)
Ha. Thanks @gussiefinknottle. I think it's just wax. ;) ew lol
Thank you for the early birthday wishes.
Yeh, could be wax, now you mention it. Could have sworn it was writing talent. :o)
You're welcome - have a great day and spoil yourself.
Our life is a blockchain. A permanent immutable ledger. I'm glad you picked up on that. I recently heard John McAfee say something like that in an interview. When we start to pick up on the idea of the blockchain and realize it's just a ledger of life. A record of events. It becomes more philosophical that just currency. And, realizing the implications of a technology that can record life the way that ancient scrolls did, but in real time is beyond the imagination of most people. This will change and already is changing the way we live. It's gonna be hard to try to change history when it's written in a fucking blockchain. And, we've never had this capability before now.
It's possibly even more relevant with the economy included, because we value events in our life according to our own protocols and then measure the value of our life to ourself — maybe even of others. Wow.
Excellent point. We do that whether consciously or subconsciously. And, it very obvious on social media that people are constantly comparing their lives to others. Whether that's healthy or not is up for question.
@cpnjacksparrow Pretty sure its unhealthy but no personal judgement 🙏
I agree. It usually is. With the exception of motivation to do things better. But, even that is subjective. If you're happy, you're happy. We would all be a lot happier if we didn't compare ourselves. I'm sure the cause of this is evolutionary in a sense. But, it's also programmed into us. Consumerism is not natural.
@cpnjacksparrow I would have to debate that. Perhaps not consumer'ism" but consumption is quite natural. I also think our reactions to things like the perception of scarcity is natural (all mammals experience this.) Although being intelligent enough to create a false-sense of scarcity at a complex level may be intellectually different. I'd have to observe some other primates to see if they hide food from each other 😂 . I agree that motivation is very subjective. Comparing I think is evolutionary but also (as is competition) but I gather when adults do it excessively (keyword excessively because we all do sometimes) it can be a sign of some kind of arrested development or anxiety disorder. No condemnation toward illness but if anxiety becomes an illness it's worthwhile to check all external interpretations against the possibility of being "Just paranoid." %%%Shrugs%% Idk, I'm no doctor. But perhaps I need to ask one lolololol
Honestly this post was a great read.
Personally I don't believe in a shadow self just in pure nature, its all survival strategy.
When some one approaches most situations with violence and aggression its because they have found it to be on average a succesful strategy, where someone approches life with cold logic its because on averages being able to remain calm has been successful for them.
Just like evolution these modes of thought and action are under pressure of survival of the fittest.
The shadow never really has to be illuminated as long as it remains useful, my personal term for it all is functional truth.
Selection is valid way of looking at things as well @shai-hulud. It can be understood this way, afterall, nature gave us techniques for a reason — denial, for instance, can save your sanity (but it can also keep us dumb.) I agree we don't have to illuminate it all or analyze it to be functional or thrive. But I also think that the subconscious is a lot like inside of a car. If you tinker with it and don't know how it works, then you can do damage. And if you do take the time to know what's going on under the hood, you can sometimes upgrade it, fix it, etc. So it could in a way be evolutionarily advantageous for some to be are of the intimate details of their truth.
I don't think anyone is entirely positive or negative. There is a thin line in between and keeping the balance can be challenging. From a young age we are taught how to dress, wash, act and think. Some learn to question things, others don't or simply do not care.
We are constantly adjusting our focal length in order to improve ourselves, to have a better understanding of what we do and how our actions can impact others.
oh, I guess I should have started this comment by wishing you "Happy birthday!". From one Gemini to another, I love seeing that others have these questions as well.
Yes yes-- and some are taught NOT to question things in some cultures. In some cultures, it's considered very offensive to ask questions, especially asking a question of an adult's actions or an authorities decisions. That seems so scary to me, I'm really glad my family wasn't that strict but I can imagine how such strictness of information and discipline against inquiry could cause many people to grow up without knowing how to think for themselves and never thinking to; but just continue their routines the rest of their lives. sigh
Thank you for the birthday wishes @lymepoet. And thanks for contributing your thoughts to this post.
Okay but were it not for shame wouldn't many of us turn into rowdy raisin robbers and reward pool rapists? (self voting this one)
It's speculative. I raise my 3 kids differently than the status quo and they're turning out exceptional beings — and not just by my blinded motherly standards. It, and other tests and examples, beg us to question the presumptions we make about the nature of our default nature.
You didn't self-vote lol
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Yes, many mixed messages and projections. Growing and learning is lifelong. Some get stuck, others partake of the vine of wisdom ;)
I don't think anything is ever wasted, @omitaylor. Happy, happy birthday!! Celebrate by having a big bowl of 41 grapes ;)
@youhavewings Thank you for the well wishes. A happy 41 so far. :)