I've been way preoccupied with thoughts and reality that I feel off my one post a day goal.
I try to think of topics I can provide Info and experience on trying to stay away from personal post. But I'm gonna do one and forgive me as most journal entries are quick scribbles of unleaded emotions.
4/13/18
I fucking hate this.
Not knowing what tomorrow will bring.
Whether Dillon will be sick , in pain or just miserable. Good days do happen but as always the bad seem to outweigh the good. I never thought he'd get this weak and sick. I was not prepared to see him whither away to a near skeleton. God , I have failed. I have failed him and I will forever pay the price if I lose him. I don't for a second regret choosing the path we did. We followed our hearts first even when our minds were undecided. We stayed strong to what we feel our intuition , we stayed strong to ourselves and each other. This battle is not just one with fucking cancer. It's been a battle of beliefs, morals and truths. A battle with friends and loved ones who can't fully grasp that this diagnoses happened to Dillon. Yes they care and love him but they should also respect him. This diagnoses is his to choose how he deals with it. It wrenches my heart to hear my husband say, I wish they'd just understand, that's all I want. Why can they understand this is life or death for me.
I don't want to even keep writing but i have to get some thing out. So much happens each day and so much forgotten I need to keep writing.
I never thought I'd get to the point of having to embrace the reality that my husband might possible not make it. This warrior and strong, loving man. Even with the mindest that I know he can beat this fucking cancer. I have never doubted it and I still don't. I know each day he's alive is a day for progress and it's another day I get to be graced by his presence. It's a possibility that we can achieve a miracle and by our own hearts and bodies. Even with that, I know I have to face that he might not. I have waited an ignored this for 2 years since his diagnosis, I refuse like others to see him as already dead.
It's hard to grip
I fucking feeling like I'm going to slip.
I'm not sure how I emotional haven't lost it yet. And I know I'm doing no good to myself repressing it. But I can't and I won't , I have to be stronger then this. I am stronger then this. I have to tell myself or I just might not believe it.
My heart is literally aching as I nurse my youngest and watch another lovely fall asleep.
I manifest that tomorrow will be a better day with no sickness just healing, love and joy. It's all I want.
Wow this sounds so tough. So sorry you're going through this.
Thanks , the day after this my husband greatly improved and has had a great couple days!