Greetings Steemians!
In this series I will be sharing some of my faults, flaws and failures, in a way that is raw, real and revolutionary (I hope).
Since I am known for being tardy and unreliable, who knows when each installment will present itself. Yet, as you will read, I am determined to improve that about myself. I hope you glean some little jewels for your self, or at least have a few chuckles at my expense. I have learned to laugh at myself, cuz its way more fun than crying. Here goes.
As usual, I am late on activating my personal New Year's resolutions- but not quite as late as it might seem. My own personal new year, AKA my birthday, falls just a couple weeks after The New Year, and since I'm super self centered, my birthday is the only one that counts for me.
It's like I have a super size snooze button.
More than two extra weeks beyond the standard time for the personal reflections and resolutions that are common at that time of year. A perfectly imperfect (mis)alignment for my particular idiosyncrasies.
I can admit that I have always been, and apparently am still, a serious procrastinator, latecomer, delayed responder, what have you. Sometimes the term "retarded" feels a little too apt.
Sooo, it's now been over a month since my own birthday and over 3 weeks since the birthday of my beloved mate @quineaker. And by the time I actually post this, it will most likely be even later than that, since it will undoubtedly take me an exorbitantly long time to compose and put it all together and finally post it. (It did take almost a week.)
Therefore I am pretty dang late on giving the amazing double birthday gift I wished to give to myself, and on the birthday gift I actually wished to give to Quinn (vs the ones I actually have him, read on). Double gift, double late. Go me. Quinn jokes that one of my greatest super powers ifs the ability to kill massive amounts of time. The Time Assassinator!
Near the time of my recent birthday and leading up to Quinn's, I considered deeply (for me,) my own existence, my contributions, my creations and my value to myself and my family. I did not feel even close to satisfied with who I have become and what I have accomplished with my life thus far.
I had at the end of last year taken to a bit of self pity and loathing, and of course always I have good ol' blame and justification to help me support my hold on to my own baggage. But this year I have feeling that a really awesome year could be ahead of me and my amazing family, and I don't want to hold us back, nor get left behind.
I feel much more determined than ever to take the reigns, take responsibility for my life, and make some real changes.
I also thought a lot about about what I could give to Quinn for his birthday. Sure I could make him some jewelry, give him a massage, wear something sexy and go at it with more gusto than usual. But compared to the gifts he has given me, such as countless invaluable intangibles of insight and spiritual support, not to mention the three kids, continuous supply of food and shelter, consistent emotional support, and daily reminders, for seven years without asking for jack shit for himself,
those little trinkets just didn't seem like nearly enough.
I pondered, what would be the most valuable gift I could give to my super mate?
What is he lacking in life?
What could he really use that he doesn't yet have?
And the answer that kept coming to mind was ## a better mate.
Someone to really help, support and uplift him in important and truly invaluable ways.
Hell no, I don't mean someone else!
I'm waaaay to selfish too seriously consider stepping down or aside from the role I am failing at to allow a more capable individual fill the post! No way! I'm the Queen and heroine of this story. And yet I do realize that the Queen role must be filled better than I have been doing it for the past 7 years, cuz I basically have been overall a little more like a spoiled princess, and at times like a maid at best.
So the gift I wished to give Quinn for his birthday was: A More Awesome ME!
More focused, efficient, reliable, purposeful, dedicated, conscious, responsible, productive, helpful, honest, honorable, etc. You get the idea.
More with it. More on it. More awesome!
I want to be the version of myself I have dreamed of being for years.
I want to be the partner and mate I wish my partner and mate had.
I want to be the queen!
Quinn doesn't actually really care about his birthday per se. Yet I insisted that I did care and wanted to make his one special. So I asked him what I could do what he would appreciate and enjoy on his birthday. He told me a few simple and achievable things. And then I did other stuff. Wait, what?
I'm kind of a compulsive cooker (and eater,) and can hardly stop myself from spending hours upon hours preparing (and eating) food, whether anyone (besides me) wants it or not. Fortunately, Quinn has made it work for us, featuring my compulsive creations on the @gardenofeden 's Sustainable Feast posts. But for the first 5-6 years I was doing it, it wasn't quite as helpful as it has recently become.
What I actually gave him on the day of his birthday was a time consuming dinner that he didn't even want or care about, nor did he request, and by the time he got around to eating it, was cold. I gave him that "gift" at the expense of his actual requests. In my compulsive craziness and poor time management, I failed to deliver anything of what he actually wanted. I wound up giving him almost no attention at all because I was too busy cooking the dinner he didn't want and getting ready for the birthday party he didn't ask for.
As usual, I was overestimating my own ability, getting trapped in my own self imposed Sisyphus style cycles of dysfunction, and falling short of the offers and promises I volunteered for.
Everything he mentioned when I asked what he wanted I failed to make a priority because I was too busy doing other crap he didn't even want done, and then acting like that crap was somehow for him. Typical.
Wah-wah-waaaannnnhhhh.
Ya. Loco. I know. But I mostly only know it because Quinn spells it out for me. When I ask. Otherwise I would probably be oblivious, trapped in my own bubble of self absorption, justification, and compulsive busyness.
And to boost my own ego and image and make it seem like I am doing it to serve and support my family, rather than for me myself and I, I am telling myself and you that I am actually doing this as a birthday gift to Quinn. Shhh.
But no seriously, it really was my love, appreciation and desire to gift him with something he would actually value and benefit from that initially helped me realize:
I could be the gift.
So, mostly for my own selfish reasons, I am now giving myself a greater push than ever before to become better than I have ever been before. And I think I'm going to really try now to actually take some of the advice of the person in my life who has proven time and time again to be the most conscious and considerate, not to mention my biggest supporter.
Realistically, the kind of change I'm talking about is going to take weeks upon months, if not years of sustained commitment to upgrading my standards, habits and daily performance. In fact one of the faulty defaults I wish to correct within myself is the difficulty I have with sustained effort and seeing things through.
Since it will require a great deal of will and sustained effort for me to make these changes, it will also require a great deal of selfish personal motivation for me to stick with it. So thank goodness I have some ego investment, otherwise the ball would already be on the ground. Hopefully, posting on Steemit will enhance my ego investment and therefore my determination to succeed. Thanks for reading and for possibly judging me.
Don't worry, this post does not contain any self deprecation. This is just me being brutally honest with myself in a semi public forum. I do love myself, even despite the awareness I am living way below my potential. Perhaps I have actually been a little too satisfied with myself and my un-extraordinary performance in life, having relied on my good looks and the even lower standards of the general American population for decades to support my relatively high self esteem and self worth.
Lately I'm on a roll with embracing a seriously discerning view of myself, grey hairs, dark side and all. If I'm not willing to look at and acknowledge my faults, flaws and failures, how will I ever address them and become the person I wish to be? I can't! Unless I do. So I'm doing it. Because I have been complacent with myself for too long, and my life is passing me by, and I haven't accomplished half of what I believe I could have, if I weren't so riddled with dysfunction.
Here's what I have accomplished so far this year (self centered my-year, since my birthday):
I did amazingly complete a 14 day gut cleanse with turpentine, hydrogen peroxide, and herbs. I ate super clean, no meat or dairy or processed foods, and I barely cheated at all. A couple licks and nibbles here and there, barely more than a few tablespoons in all, for 2 weeks! For me this is a major accomplishment because I am a hardcore food addict, and I commonly spend more time thinking about and doing food related stuff than I do actually attending to my children.
I did also throw Quinn a nice party for which all the necessary components were complete on time, for the most part. The headdresses were awesome!
I have remembered to give myself and our children the appropriate health supplements at a higher rate of reliability than in the past. Not a perfect record by any means, but a marked improvement and for me worthy of a small auto-pat I give myself to help myself stay motivated and positive.
And last but not least, I have gotten online and participated in his posts on Steemit for like 6 whole days now AND written this very post!
There's more little ones, but those are the only ones worth mentioning here.
Go me! Go me! It's (2 months past) my birthday!
Here's hoping I can and will sustain a presence here on Steemit and keep on improving myself and sharing my progress with the Steemiverse and the world at large.
Thanks for tuning in!
I appreciate the true talk! It’s easy to see the grass is greener, but the secret to life is focus on making your grass as green as possible!! Thanks for the post!! :-)
Yes, and I want to be Super Green!
I love how vulnerable, raw and real you have become @truelovelives. I also love the way you can laugh at yourself and just acknowledge the truth about things, even when it makes you look less than your ideal. You really have a. great heart and are so willing to share it. You genuine expression really comes through in this post and I'm super glad you are back on Steemit. Thanks for being you, and for putting yourself out there. You're a really beautiful being! <3 <3 <3.
Thanks so much @everlove! Your example of following your heart continues to inspire me, and I am honored by your true appreciation <3
I love you baby~
One of your best qualities is that your comfortable being vulnerable and honest. This is not something many people can do even with them selfs let alone in public or even harder still around strangers.
You also are quite a good writer because when one reads your posts its easy to really get into it, kinda like reading a good book, where your transported into another world.
I have seen you evolve so much since I first met you and look forward to that continuing to be so. Our life keeps getting better and better and while its not perfect I am grateful that instead of liking each other less as time goes on we work together better and better.
Who knows what the future hold, but I feel great about it.
💕SuperLove💕
Your encouragement, example and inspiration have been essential to my evolution Babe. I can't thank you enough for the years of support, patience, encouragement and firm hand whenever I've needed it. Not to mention the juicy life we live together, making it easy to come up with content.
Indeed, we have found ways to grow together and pushed each other to grow for the better. I am SO thankful that we have come so far together in True Love!!!
And on top of what we already have shared, it really DOES KEEP GETTING BETTER!!! Overall, of course. Setbacks happen but our trajectory is surely on the up and up, and this year feels like we are going to new heights!
Thank you, thank you, thank you Babe <3
I hope all our birthday wishes come true <3
∞§∞Bless it be∞§∞
I love you, @truelovelives! I hope you'll keep posting here - it will be good for everyone. I learn so much from you and others can too!
This awesome year just keeps getting better and better!!!
Bless it be~*~
I hope so too. I feel pretty inspired and resolved. Yet I can't really be sure what I'll do til I actually do it. I'm thankful for your editing help, encouragement, and your friendship 💛🌸💛
Go Inok Go! Go Inok Go! You can do it, you can do it, you can do it, you can do it!! 💛💛💛
Nice post...great writer....Some day would like to be able to write well like you are.
Wow, thanks. I thought I may have been rambling just a bit, but I guess that is part of my style. Hope your dream comes true!
Yes!! I had recently stumbled across one of your husbands posts which spoke of being present, it turned on a spark with me and try to become more aware and to live life more in the present moment. AND now to come across you!! Your family is beautiful and inspiring. I eagerly await your next piece. :)
Wonderful to hear!
Hope to see you around soon and improve our lives together each day!
Fantastic! There's a lot to learn from @quinneaker, and self awareness is just one of the factors of life on which he sheds a lot of light, though it is potentially the one area that can lead to the most dramatic change and benefit if we are really willing to be honest with ourselves. Once we have seen the truth of who we are, it becomes easier to change into who we want to be.
On being honest within yourself my friend said something in a conversation that has stuck with me today...."When pointing the finger at others you are infact pointing 3 fingers right back at yourself!"
I love how each and everyday I am growing.
like a professional bloge, you describe your daily selfish activities...i amazed to read it...your husband looks like a boss person who carried away the world...hahaha..
your incridible writing skill is so enthralling and mind blowing...thanks to share..
@upvoted @resteem
Wow, thanks for the confidence and the support! He is a boss person indeed!
I'm late to the party lol. I didn't know you were posting your own stuff but I'm very happy to see this! It is funny because it goes hand in hand with the reply I made to your comment on one of my posts earlier today - without me knowing this even existed! I'm SUPER happy to see you taking ACTION to make the changes you want to create in your life! It is great for everyone, not just you but the people around you too :-) When you were talking about the not giving Quinn anything he asked for I couldn't help but be reminded of someone - not that I want to compare you to the source of all evil (lol) but one of the things that used to drive me the craziest was he would directly ask me what I want and I would straight up tell him what I wanted or needed, but he would do something else entirely and then get upset when I wouldn't acknowledge that it was "for me". So best advise on that front is if you ever ask someone what they want - give it to them if you can - otherwise don't ask at all ;-) I'm happy to see you participating on everything steemit, FB, etc. You can tell you are in a much better mood overall, just having these steps of fulfillment on your goals! You can be a GREAT asset to everything happening here when you leverage your talents properly! Plus I think you are really good at so much more than you even have credited yourself with, just need a little focus to those other things. 💗
You don't sound all that selfish to me. It sounds like this guy is damn lucky to have a women who cares so much about him. You both obviously do a great deal to support each other. And you've got a beautiful family!
Well I think everybody is pretty selfish, so compared to the norm, perhaps I am not unusually selfish. But compared to how dedicated I would like to be, and like to say that I actually am, I am still more selfish than that.
Thanks for tuning in!
One of your best characteristics is that your open to being helpless and legit. This isn't something numerous individuals can do even with them selfs let alone out in the open or much harder still around outsiders.
You likewise are a significant decent author since when one peruses your presents its simple on truly get into it, kinda like perusing a decent book, where your moved into a different universe.
I have seen you advance such a great amount since I initially met you and anticipate that proceeding to be so. Our life continues showing signs of improvement and better and keeping in mind that its not impeccable I am thankful that as opposed to loving each different less over the long haul we cooperate better and better.
Who comprehends what the future hold, however I feel awesome about it..................resteemit...........
I truly appreciate your thoughtful response and support. Thanks for tuning in and for the resteem!
This isn't a thoughtful response, this is @quinneaker's comment cut & pasted
HAHAHAHA 😂😂😂😂
Watch out for the bots on here :)
This very lovely post i appreciate family thanks for sharing this blog carryon..
Thanks for the encouragement!
You are lucky husband @quinneaker
You got a 1.32% upvote from @buildawhale courtesy of @saramiller!
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We are not born perfect and can't achieve perfection. From the pictures you posted, you look happy and enjoying what you do. My view is continuing doing what works for you and trying to keep your family happy.
Ya, there's gotta be some balance. Keeping myself and my family happy are fortunately pretty much all I need to take care of. I'm super thankful to have a mate who takes care of our necessities and helps us strive to be better than we are, so I get to focus on the icing of life.
j aime bien ces histoires d amour vous étés vraiment un grand écrivain . c est génial
I don't really speak French but I know just enough to be able to tell I am receiving a compliment from you.
Merci beaucoups
wow article posting is very good. thanks for sharing. I really want to like you
I enjoyed reading your post. At some points of your blog I could relate to u. I love how you write, couldn't stop reading. This was the first post I read this morning. Im a fan... lol... and your daughter is beautiful 👌
Awesome! Thanks!
I'm so glad you got so into it!
Stay tuned for more!
I couldn’t relate more to your post. Thank you for your honesty. I feel the same way as a mother, but like you said, I do love myself and I want to do more 💕
So raw, so real. Lovely post. I find myself relating to you on so many different levels. Prob because my birthday also falls shortly after the new year. But cheers to you becoming the best version of yourself. That truly is a gift that is worth giving not only to your husband but yourself :)
I have been (im)patiently waiting for new words from you and I'm so glad you posted. I thoroughly enjoy reading what you put down. I appreciate it! Bless!