LAST EPISODE OF THE SEASON FOLKS!
We the Unsullied Led by the Undecided To Kill the Unbelievers Die for who gives a fuck
The charade kick-starts with a birds-eye view of Eunuch and the whole army of the Unsullied. We have come to (slowly) understand that these leather and denim-clad soldiers are in the possession of NO COCKS whatsoever, hence their flamboyant name (because sex is bad, see, and you can’t have sex without a cock, see, so you ain't bad if you haven't got a cock, see?) The Army of the Cockless is parked outside the walls of King's Landing, and we know that because we see Grunt running around ordering soldiers and Farmer Jamie wearing his usual placid look standing behind an embrasure looking down on his enemy, weighing his very slim odds. Grunt and Jamie exchange an amusing dialogue about cocks (or their lack thereof), a horn blares and Dothraki riders skim out of the forest to join ranks with the Unsullied. Grunt cheekily observes that cocks or not they are fucked, a remark which pleases the least out of Farmer Jamie.
"Maybe it really is all cocks in the end"
Ships sail past the horizon, approaching the great city of King's Landing. There is Jon Snow on the deck of the ship, fresh out of bed! Clegane below the decks, checks if the caught wight is still “alive”, locked inside its box, he knocks on the enclosure provoking the wight's radical ire, it's still there, the cunt!
Thats a city? Never seen one of those...
Cercei, high atop her room, inquires Shit-Grin about a “she” who is not “there”. We don't know who “she” is but we don't care because we are pumped that Cercei orders her two-and-a-half-meters tall, draped in full metal armour bodyguard to “kill the silver-haired bitch first, then the brother, then the yokel”. Farmer Jamie trails them, like an obedient if a slightly dismayed dog.
Goldi's entourage meets up with Cercei's entourage. Peter Dinklage, Jon, Davos, Grayscale, Eunuch Lover, Rotundal and Clegane (himself responsible for the surprise wight-in-a-box ferried along) meet with Grunt and his group of soldiers. Wait a second, someone is missing! Where is Goldi? Now we know who the “she” Cercei was before referring is! Clegane meets with Mega-Dyke who has already arrived and they discuss a bit about Murder Frenzy – these two seem to have a slight history together. Peter Dinklage, hails his former friends and comrades, now standing on the other side of the fence, everyone is adamant in being a complete asshole towards each other and the shit show rolls on.
We're a happy family!
All of them enter some old abandoned theatre, something akin to the Colosseum only thoroughly wrecked and much, much smaller. Tension weighs high in the air. Everybody fidgets around, manically attempting to decipher where the first deadly salvo is going to shoot from. After a few stringent moments of agony Cercei and Co also enter the building. Tensions rise even higher now! Cercei sends a murdering half look to Peter Dinklage as she passes him by, Jamie Farmer sits down in silence. Clegane walks up and talks to Cercei's gigantic bodyguard – the two boys do seem to know each other, could they be brothers? But the important question still persists. Where is she? Cercei impatiently asks Peter again. “She didn't come with you?” “No” Peter replies (obviously). For a few still moments, everybody is confused and unsure of what to do, until a long screeching tears the sky apart. Immediately they all bolt up and draw their eyes towards the sky.
Let The Game begin!
Two gangly, scaly dive bombers turn the clouds into shreds and hurl themselves towards the ground. The first dragon lands on the crumbling wall of the Colosseum, which crumbles some more. Goldi is riding him, fast! The dragon performs his Impressum, then climbs down the wall which crumbles even more! Way to fuck up your host's abode Goldi! Peter Dinklage turns around to look at Cercei, she does not move or budge or change expression because her heart is dead inside and the only thing powering her is pure unbridled hate.
The dragon kneels (god-damnit) Goldi unmounts and then walks up to the plateau wearing the most grievous shit-eating grin possible. She then takes her seat without speaking with no one and the dragons fuck off to their patrol routine.
Can't beat such an entrance!
As Goldi finally sits down, Cercei addresses her through clenched teeth.
“We've been here for some time”
“My apologies”, Goldi returns.
Hands down Goldi wins the round!
Beat that, bitch!
From here on begin about eight minutes of scholarly fun. Peter Dinklage takes the first word, Iron Man interrupts him and mocks him about his height, Cercei orders him to sit down, Peter resumes his talk about “irreconcilable past differences”, Jon abruptly gets up and begins whinging on his own accord about the “threat of the dead”, Cercei does not appear even remotely amused, Jon says that they've brought something to show her, Clegane walks up the steps with the box containing the wight in his back, sets it down, opens it up and releases the maddened wight into Cercei's dead-virgin world.
Boom! Shakalaka!
The wight screeches and rushes towards Cercei who squirms at her seat but ultimately fails to reach her as it's bound on a long chain. The wight then turns back and runs towards Clegane who pulls out his longsword and masterfully cuts it in half. Everybody is visibly shaken, Cercei double so. The divided wight still screeches and attempts to fight Clegane from its prone position, he swings his sword again removing his hand. Shit-Eater gets up and picks up the still writhing hand, closely examining it. Jon “Bizarre Circus” Snow, with the help of Sir Davos, demonstrates that the undead can be “destroyed” by fire and by the use of dragonglass weapons, of which only he currently possesses. Jon rounds up his spectacular demonstration with one great quote, put together by stitching up words found only on propaganda posters.
Take that you freak!
“There is only one war. The Great War. And it is here.”
Undeadly serious
Iron Man gets up from his seat and examines the now permanently dead wight. “Can they swim?” he asks. “No” Jon replies. “Good”, he says, “Then I'm getting the Iron Fleet back to the Iron Islands”. Cercei is taken aback but Iron Man is quick to explain – the undead are the only thing in the world that frightens him so it's best for him that he fucks off – permanently. After this impressive display in non-badassery, he walks off the stage, presumably never to be seen again “until winter is over”.
Winner, winner chicken dinner
Cercei, seeing Iron Man's back declares him a coward but, quite surprisingly, accepts the truce and recognises the undead as the “true threat”. There is a catch to all this tough and Cercei is quick to reveal it. The King in The North must not choose sides! Jon “Quick Thinker” Snow, true to his word informs Cercei that he cannot “serve two queens” as he has already pledged to Goldi. This blatant display of rudeness and disregard to Cercei's nigh-high royal prerogative angers her and she storms off with her entourage angrily declaring that they can all go fuck themselves as they are now on their own.
Screw you guys, i'm going home!
Sir Davos is the first to shit on Jon Snow. Then is Goldilocks's turn who proceeds to whinge about the loss of her dragon. Then it's Peter Dinklage's turn to wholesomely dump a smelly one on a now bemused Jon Snow. How could he be so thick! Couldn't he lie for once and save them all the trouble?
But Jon “I'm honest” Snow holds a strong rebuttal to them all. Lies cannot sustain life, he says and if we all lie to each other we will end up with nothing but … lies. Peter Dinklage puffs but decides to take one for the team. He announces that he will go, personally, and talk with his sister Queen Bitch Cercei. Everyone around and especially Goldi attempt to dissuade him from trying, imagining that Cercei will definitely murder the hell out of him, but he bravely dismisses them all and with slow uneasy steps proceeds to head toward his ultimate demise.
Damn you, Jon Snow!
Peter Dinklage walks through a long stone corridor, his sister's gargantuan Robocop one enormous step behind him. He appears and most definitely is, scared shitless. There is a 0,001% chance that Cercei will not chop him down into even smaller pieces and he knows it. Reaching the antechamber he meets Farmer Jamie which in his own small words reconciles, at least momentarily with his diminutive brother, takes a deep breath, walks on down the hall and enters Queen Bitch's private quarters.
Peter Dinklage and the Twin Towers
Cercei is sitting behind her desk at the far end to the room. Death row's walk brings Peter in front of her, at hand's reach. Robocop stands still and ominous behind him, finger on the trigger, readying, and waiting. He begins to talk and there is nothing other than pain and regret coming out of him. She begins to talk and there is nothing but murder and death coming out of her. Suffice to say they do not reach a workable conclusion but Peter, in a moment of clarity and decisiveness taunts Cercei to give the word to her lapdog and finally, conclusively put him out of his misery. Robocop pulls his gun out of its holster and takes a small step forward, Peter's muscles tense up, Cercei's lips curl up and a vibrant moment of internal conflict gloats over both. Queen Bitch secedes from her current plan, Robocop steps back, Peter takes a swift breath and saunters over to the bar where he pours himself a couple of drinks, then brings one over to his sister. The impasse remains forever more but suddenly, as she continues to spew her banal nonsense, Peter realises that she is pregnant.
Tension Head
Outside in the now-defunct Colosseum Jon “I've done it again” Snow skims idly through scattered dust and bones. Goldilocks descends upon him and shits on him once more for good measure. They commence an inane talk about dragons, children and the futility of war. We are thinking that the scriptwriters conceived of this scene so they could exemplify the growing bond between the two but in our arrogant opinion, it's nothing but a bore-fest. Footsteps quickly bring them to attention and they see Peter Dinklage strolling towards them in one piece, the whole two inches of him. Behind him rides once again Queen Bitch Cercei, Farmer Jamie and their entourage of Robocops.
Cercei is terse and on point. All Lannister forces shall march North in mutual aid against the common threat. Everyone in the Colosseum breathes a sigh of relief, Jon Snow more than anyone else seeing that Peter Dinklage has managed to rectify his mistake and that now (or for now) he won’t be taking shit from anyone else but himself.
A crow caws as it's flying through hail and snow to reach Winterfell. The crow caws because hurling private little notes through ice-cold winter isn't its favourite pastime, it would rather be poking eyes out of dead or living corpses. Fully Queen Sansa has received word of Jon Snow's knee bending affair towards Goldilocks and she is none happy about it. Littlefinger soothingly installs worrisome thoughts in her head. They talk about Murder Frenzy, her sudden appearance and demeanour and Littlefinger manages to convince Fully Queen Sansa that she is after no good and that her ultimate goal is to eradicate her and take her place as Lady of Winterfell.
Allow me to fuck you up with my callous rhetoric
The “Beauty and the Beast” allegiance is back around on their Jenga table. They sit around and talk smack to each other about what kind of medium they are going to use to introduce their little affair to the people in the North. Grayscale wants Goldi to fly in with her dragons, so she can be safe, Jon proposes that she sails with him so that people see them together, Goldi adopts the latter stance satisfying Jon and irritating Grayscale who thinks, just like the rest of us, that Jon Snow's ideas are crap exactly like his whole persona.
Nobody wins in this god-damned game!
Here comes another bore-fest of a scene. The dude that jumped off the boat in order not to save his sister from Iron Man, but himself from Iron Man asks Jon Snow for a private conference. There remorsefully reminisces about all the stupid things he has done in the past to a placid-faced Jon Snow. Not much comes out of this scene so we jot it down as filler, as does Jon Snow who tells him to go and save his sister and then fucks off.
The dude wafts down on the beach where the men who previously rescued him are readying their boat to go. The dude asks them not to leave but instead travel to where his sister is (Black-clad lady Yara) and rescue her. The men mock him and their leader taunts and then beats the Dude (Theon) nearly to a pulp. Theon doesn't give up and struggles up to his feet, the other man knees him a couple of time in the balls but this power move seems to have no effect on Theon who instead mounts the man and beats his face in. From this little scene, we learn that Theon who was previously thought not to possess any kind of balls whatsoever does indeed have balls only that he doesn't really. After the fight is done, Theon urges the men to fight for Yara, to which they merrily agree.
NO BELL BOTTOM
DISCLAIMER
Due to an electromagnetic storm hailing directly from the M87 Black Hole, our computers messed up our data causing us to lose hundreds of hours of expertly written comedy. For this and only reason we are going to speed-run you through the rest of this parody, because fuck it, fuck GoT and fuck the M87 Black Hole.
Sansa and Arya in Winterfell, try and execute Lord Baelish for being an absolute cunt.
Good riddance fuckwad
Cercei insults Jamie for preparing their armies for battle when she is planning to stay back and let the Starks take the hit from the Undead, mocks him and orders her executioner to kill him. Jamie runs off.
This is getting stupider and stupider
Winter comes everywhere in Westeros.
Smokescreen
Samwell Tarly arrives in Winterfell, meets with Bran and together they find out that Jon Snow is really Aegon Targaryen and the true heir to the Iron Throne.
No fucking way man
Jon Snow and Daenerys Targaryen fuck.
EAT YOUR HEART OUT PETER DINKLAGE
Peter Dinklage is none happy about it.
Aïe aïe aïe aïe aïe aïe Puerto Rico
Sansa and Arya, kiss and make up and agree that they miss their father.
They and their god-damned father
Brandon sitting underneath the oak tree has a vision pertaining events present where the Undead, armed with an Undead dragon successfully storm the wall, melt it down and begin to pass through.
This stick is on fire, this stick is on fire!
Onto credits. Some different kind of music. Yawn.
Hold up until tomorrow for the same old tiresome shit.
Here is a great way to go through the whole Season 7 of Game of Thrones
Stark No More!
Game Of Thrones Season 7: Revisited
Game Of Thrones Season 7: Dragonstone
Game Of Thrones Season 7: Stormborn
Game Of Thrones Season 7: The Queen's Justice
Game Of Thrones Season 7: The Spoils of War
Game Of Thrones Season 7: Eastwatch
Game Of Thrones Season 7: Beyond The Wall
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