Adam M. Grant’s Give and Take Why Helping Others Drives Our Success

Summary by Ant Hive Media

DEFINING TAKERS

We've all encountered that one person that has no problem doing all the taking. These are people who don't care about other people's needs but instead only focus on themselves. We call these people the takers. Regardless of what they do, their main motivation is simply to acquire attention, status or even rewards for themselves.

People who are takers are expert at self-promoting. You'll notice them using the words "I" or "me" more, as opposed to "we." Majority of their language expresses domination and force and oftentimes, they are persuasive. They will not have qualms about flattering a person especially if they need something.

Why do these individuals behave in such a selfish way?

Takers often express an aggressive and competitive viewpoint. To them, life is purely a brutal game that requires resourcefulness to take what you need and want in order to reward yourself. It doesn't mean they won't help people. But takers will only help or work with other people as long as they see how it will benefit them first.

One example of this is Ken Lay, a former CEO of the energy conglomerate, Enron. He not only used company assets to give himself a loan but he also sold off $70 million worth of company stocks right before Enron fully collapsed. As a result, he got off with a fortune while more than 20,000 other employees got nothing.

While this showcases takers in a bad light, by nature, taking isn't immoral. World-famous basketball player, Michael Jordan is also a taker. At the time of his basketball life, he was vocal about having majority of the revenue from the game be given to players. However, he changed his opinion later on the moment when he had his own team. And he has spoken repeatedly about his philosophy of "selfishness leading to success."

Overall, each taker has a different viewpoint and motivation than the other. However, their main concept of the world is generally similar. Takers deem that the amount of pie is quite limited and it's their right to give themselves the largest slice possible.

WHAT MAKES A GIVER?

You might have recalled at some instance how someone has given you a selfless favor. Whether it's help that came in the form of a helping hand in a project, a job or even advice, we've all met individuals who basically gave themselves without asking back. These people are called givers.

These people happily share ideas, items or work with other people. In most of their dealings, they give more than what they can ever receive. They lend their experience, support and time without complaint. They are not after recognition and prefer to focus on providing value to the individuals they come in contact with. For a giver, the capacity to help someone is worth it because it creates a positive vibe for all those that are involved.

A worthy example of a giver is George Meyer, Emmy award winning writer of The Simpsons. Over his entire career, he has contributed to over 300 episodes of the show. However, he is only listed in 12 episodes in the credits as the head writer. He basically wanted the show to succeed instead of focusing on taking the credit.

After a little research, it was also discovered that he invented "meh." The word is used to signal apathy or boredom and was first used by Bart Simpson. Today, you can find it in daily vocabulary and listed in dictionaries. Meyer didn't even take credit for it because he even forgot he created it. In fact, his associate writers needed to prompt him about it.

For givers, they know that the main idea of collaboration is for the group to succeed. They mainly focus in creating an abundant environment for themselves as well as for the entire group around them.

MATCHERS AND FINDING A BALANCE

For matchers, equality is the name of the game. They want each individual to receive fair treatment. Parents with a matcher's personality are those who give their kid's allowance depending on the completed chores they have done. A friend who constantly reminds you of the last time they did you a favor when you asked for help on something is likely a matcher as well. Compared to takers or givers, a matcher creates exchanges that are equal without bias to any one side.

Everyone should be in equal terms according to matchers. Every resource and idea should flow from one person to the other in complete balance. Those who have gained an advantage using an unusual trade are often frowned upon since matchers always assume they'll receive something in exchange for extending help. In return, a matcher that has received favor will have the obligation to return the favor as well.

The way they see the world, if they have given help to someone, they expect to receive help later on when they ask.

Majority of people are likely matchers. It's particularly noticeable inside a workplace and oftentimes it's the driving mechanism behind commercial trade. A nice example of this is Craigslist. This website is dedicated to matching – allowing people who have something to sell like goods and skills to pair with individuals who can purchase them.

For matchers, balance is beautiful. Regardless of whether they trade physical or intangible items like ideas or talent; equal taking and giving should be the main measure of interaction.

INTERACTION AND HOW IT AFFECTS HOW WE TAKE AND GIVE

Each one of us has a dominant style in how we take, give and match but on occasion, we do adapt ourselves to suit particular people as well as situations.

It's part of our nature to conform when we're in a group and at some point, when it's expected of us. Generally, for instance, takers are generous whenever with other people because they don't like to be branded as a miser. Meanwhile, givers hold off on being generous for fear it'll be seen as a form of weakness.

Aside from group pressure, generosity can also be affected by the amount of similarity people see in themselves compared to another individual. If they are quite similar, the person is likely to give more as well. One time, a study was conducted on fans of the soccer team Manchester United. The fans would encounter a supposedly injured runner. About 92% of the soccer fans stopped to help when they saw the runner wearing a Manchester United shirt but it drastically dropped to only 33% when the injured runner was using only a plain white shirt. This shows that the more an individual is similar to a person, the more likely they are to give.

Overall, people around including yourself help shape the behavior of those you happen be with even when you don't realize it.

THE PROBLEM WITH PUSHY TAKERS

Common knowledge states that in order to achieve success, you need to take what you want. However, relying on history, people who do take excessively can cause others to lose respect for them. When this happens, their reputation is the first to become damaged and they also sabotage their own path to success because no one will want to work with them.

One famous example of this excessive taking is the scientist, Jonas Salk. He developed the vaccine for polio with assistance from various professionals, scientists, a research team and thousands of volunteers. However, during the official press conference, Salk never thanked his team and this caused a rift and upset a lot of his members. This selfishness backfired on him and he never got inducted in the National Academy of Sciences but a lot of other polio researchers did. Salk also didn't receive a Nobel Prize despite his contribution. Others have claimed that this was directly the result of him not acknowledging how others have helped him during the process.

Famous architect, Frank Lloyd Wright, was also known as an extreme taker. All of Wright's apprentices had to list down Wright's name in all of the buildings they designed. They also didn't receive payment. Even more scandalous to this is when Wright's son worked for him and requested payment but in turn, Wright sent him a bill of his living costs while under him. One of Wright's clients even declared that he favored working with the apprentices as opposed to the architect because of his selfishness and disregard for people that worked hard for him. This cost Wright a lot of business.

Both Salk and Wright are good examples of taker's tax at work. This is a tax that consists of distributing word about a taker's bad behavior and in turn causes major damage to their reputation. It's often used by people to punish takers.

While takers might get to enjoy success for a limited period and help society, eventually the takers tax will take effect and stop them from succeeding further.

GIVERS AND ACHIEVING THE OVERALL GOOD

When achieving success in the professional life, people have the mistaken notion that it's better to take rather than to give. This is especially evident in areas of business and politics where everything is cutthroat. However, what's unusual is that givers usually succeed in environments like this because when they help others, it often benefits them as well.

Abraham Lincoln is a prime example of serving the greater good as opposed to cutting him a big piece of the pie. Before he went on to become a president, he dropped from the competition in a senatorial race so Lyman Trumbull, his opponent, could win. He dropped out because he knew that Trumbull had the same dream as he did, which was to eliminate slavery. He also thought that Trumbull had a better chance of winning. Later on, Trumbull returned the favor by recommending Lincoln when he ran for senate again.

A more recent example is that of Jason Geller. He is from Deloitte Consulting and is known for creating a management system that helps to store and gather information on competitors as well as clients of the company. Instead of keeping the information to himself, he shared this data with his coworkers hoping they could use it to help the company succeed. Geller's supervisor and heads were impressed with his generosity and he was soon promoted – becoming the younger ever Deloitte partner.

Because givers are naturally drawn in the greater good, it gives them a great opportunity to rise to the heap of the pile, influence and take on powerful positions in their field.

BUILDING INTERPERSONAL NETWORKS AS A GIVER

Ever felt embarrassed about asking people for help especially if you've never been in touch with them for a long time? Givers usually don't get this feeling. Even if they don't keep close touch with the person, the trust they have in them along with their readiness to help out is strong. They never think twice about asking for a favor despite the silence – these are favors they need or for other people.

For 2011, Adam Rifkin was hailed by Fortune Magazine as the best networker. He is also a great giver. Rifkin helped create the 106 Miles group, which gathers entrepreneurs twice every month in order to network and to share information. He uses the meetings as a way to help others find jobs, provide advice on new ideas as well as allow strangers access into his web of contacts.

Because of his generosity, he is well-respected and was even able to ask the co-founder of Excite, Graham Spencer, to give him pointers regarding his new venture, despite the fact that he had never talked with Spencer for more than 5 years. Most people never hesitate to get in touch with a giver because they already know these people are not driven by selfish reasons.

The positive effects of sharing resources and information are real for givers. They can create a large, thriving network because they already have an established positive reputation and known for reciprocating help if it is received.

HOW GIVERS NURTURE TALENT AND POTENTIAL

For most people, the idea of becoming a mentor can be dependent on a few factors. Chances are, when people first consider it, they examine their mentee first to see if they are worth mentoring and if they possess the actual talent. For givers, however, the situation is handled rather differently. Givers believe that each person features potential and they instead dive into nurturing them. With such great support, it often leads the protégée to easily find success, and in turn, the success reflects positively on the mentor that helped make it possible.

Stu Inman, the NBA manager, is a great giver. Inman glossed over several legends while in the making like Michael Jordan but he did take on Clyde Drexler. During this instance, Drexler was unimpressive but he went on to become part of the Olympics, including ten all-Star Teams and eventually got inducted on the Basketball Hall of Fame. With Inman's perseverance, he gathered a status for taking in undervalued players and shaping them to become one of the world’s best.

Accounting professor, C.J. Skender, is another individual who had the same interests. He is a fantastic mentor to his students and going as far as sending each student a congratulations letter after they took the CPA exam, even if the student didn't pass.

As a result, more than 40 of Skender's students were named for their exceptional performance as CPA's. Reggie Love, Barack Obama's current personal assistant, is also Skender's former student.

By witnessing greatness in everything and everyone, givers help create and foster an environment of success. As a result, the triumph of the people they have helped become their own.

THE POWER OF YIELDING POWER IN COMMUNICATIONS

Individuals often associate success with self-possessed speaking and assertiveness. However, through formal studies, the idea of powerless communication is actually more beneficial compared to declaring a bold conviction.

Powerless communication means giving up control of the conversation to the audience instead of dominating it. In other words, givers often take to listening as opposed to talking. However, this doesn't mean silence. Powerless communication means asking questions or asking for advice. It's basically taking on a more submissive role instead of creating a domineering stance.

A study conducted on optometrists showed that opticians who were clear givers also had some of the best sales. It's their communication style that has paved the way for them to succeed. Kildare Escoto is a great example of a successful optician. Escoto would not sell his products to his customers and instead ask them about their desires and the type of lifestyle they led. In exchange, this created a bond and gave him an opportunity to serve his clients better.

Annie, a scientist, was nearly complete with her MBA when the company she was worked for needed to close the facility she worked in. A transfer was optional but it meant having to move out and give up on school. Instead of demanding a solution to the problem, she instead inquired for the HR Manager's advice and because of her humble demeanor, she was given permission to use the company jet so she can commute from her job at the new facility to attend classes at the old school.

Those who become masters of powerless communication can create considerable advantages. Clear givers that have learned how to communicate like this are more likely trusted and have a receptive audience whenever they ask for help.

THE EFFECT OF ABUSE AND BURN OUT ON GIVERS

Because of the high demand, generosity is usually the easiest path to obtaining success. However, this does not imply that givers cannot be broken. If a giver is in a high demand or stressful situation, they can burn out. Takers will always exploit those who are givers and it's important for the latter to know how to keep their energy levels up and face the challenges in a way that's healthy for them.

Surprisingly, it's been discovered that givers bounce back from burnout in weird ways. When they see the overall results of what they're doing, it gives them a great boost.

As a schoolteacher, Conrey Callahan was near the burning point. Instead of giving in, she decided to give out a mentoring program. And this actually worked so much better because it gave her a chance to see the effect she makes on the lives of her students. It also helped create more energy so she could pursue the mentoring as well as the teaching job.

Aside from clear burnout, givers also need to fend off demanding takers. This is where the term "doormat" originated from, when a giver doesn't know how to protest if they are treated unfairly. It's important that givers learn how to interact with others in a way that gives them a chance to share their gifts without getting them abused. Generally, this means adopting an attitude of quid pro quo (giving something and getting something) but with a slight leaning towards giving, of course. Givers who are smart often take notice of the action of takers surrounding them and matching this equally. A gesture of generosity done occasional is more than enough to help preserve the giver's self-worth while also delivering a positive vibe.

Learning how to control over-generous impulses is a great way for givers to discover success without transforming into a taker's doormat. This defensive measure can help them discover their true potential while allowing them to share the rewards with everyone.

SUMMARY

In order to succeed in both collaborative and personal projects, it's best to give more than to receive.

Having an attitude of competition and self-interest is usually linked to successful people but upon closer examination, scientifically; these are not the true traits to gain success. It's not just takers who go on to succeed in life but givers can also attain their own success. Aside from that, givers can also spread their success on the people surrounding them.

In summary, the answer to these three questions should be helpful:

What are the kinds of personal interaction?

Matchers – people who prioritize equal exchange and fairness

Takers – self-centered individuals who are focused in gaining things for their benefit

Givers – people who are motivated to help others achieve their own goals

Why does taking become a long-term problem?

Because the act of constantly taking can make other people lose respect for you and also damage your reputation.

How do you transform yourself to be more of a giver?

Dwell on creating happiness within the community or group of people around you.

Create and foster relationships and use these to help other people.

Create a positive impression and believe that every person has an innate talent.

Learn how to make use of powerless communication.

What are the dangers of giving?

A giver needs to be wary of takers who are abusive and will treat their relationship/friendship with givers unfairly.

Thank you for reading!

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