"Does loving him also mean ignoring his bad sides?"

Hi,

My boyfriend does not tell me the whole truth. I simply know it. In particular, I feel his evasions when I ask after his whereabouts when he spends time with his friends after work. These lies and the experience of feeling like a spy in my own home simply drive me nuts. Should I accept my spouse as he is and say nothing? I was promised that relationship would be something that grows and magically develops in time; can a relationship be without adversity and hardships at all?

Thank you,

Suzanne

Credit: Russian film student Iulia Voitova

Hi Suzanne,

Your question is an excellent one. What does it mean to love unconditionally? And what if our spouse cheats, lies, steals or is just thoughtless? I am the last to confirm that everything that our spouse does is always “OK”. In particular, it is difficult to accept a person that acts in an ugly and restrictive way when all we want is to live like free birds, to develop and to grow.

The magic

The magic happens when we stop trying to change our partner and focus on ourselves and the inner changes that we choose to make about our personality and essence. Then, through repeated feedbacks, we reach a stage in which one of two things happens: either our partner no longer fits the new person we have turned to be and consequently we simply leave or, more likely, our partner simply vanishes from our life and someone else – more suitable and appropriate – takes their place.

This whole process occurs in a very natural and smooth way if only we choose to be aware of the signs and to respect ourselves. What do I mean?

Many people ignore severities and problems in their relationships or merely deal with them with the wrong tools until the moment comes when things have become so unbearable and so painful that a break up is inevitable. The person who asks for the break up assumes that once s/he gets rid of their poor partner they will find the cure for all their problems and miseries. Naturally, therefore, the break up brings great relief and hope for a new and brighter future.

The gift

Nevertheless, if the necessary corresponding inner work is not done the next relationship might reflect the same problems that were present in the previous one. Therefore, hardships in relationships are a gift that one grants the other. If there is a mutual willingness to see the hardships as presents in the Present and to derive the best from them for the benefit of both spouses, then the relationship is indeed blessed.