This text is basically just me rambling about the things i wish i got to tell my ex. I wrote it hoping to finally stop thinking about her. I don't know how interesting it will be for most people to read this, but i figured when i put so much effort into something like this, i might as well share it with someone.
Yas. I will always be grateful for you being my first, and i honestly feel like you got me a little further out of my bubble, and even if things ended a badly, I'm glad i had the experience of being your boyfriend. But on our last meeting i didn't want to talk to you, i feel like you should've understood why, but i don't think you do. Or maybe you do, but you don't care, or want to accept it…
"Seriously!? … Are you -still- mad at me? … Come on, let's talk for just a minute or two. … We don't have to talk about what happened."
That's what you said, stopping me from walking away from you, and i stood there, staring at you as you spoke and i didn't say a word. Probably only a few seconds lasted, maybe a minute, but I can't tell you how much went through my mind in only those short seconds. When i saw you, i was extremely conflicted about whether i wanted to talk to you or not, and you almost got me to stay and talk too, but only almost.
I let you in, in a way i told you i had never been with anyone before, and because of that i really wanted to have a certain relationship with you, even if just as friends. But I tried harder than you seem to understand, and every single time i tried talking to you, you would just make it as difficult as you possibly could for us to work things out. I know you tried too, but when you start changing the subject in the middle of an argument, when you constantly refuse to take any criticism, when you always make it seem as if I'm the only one who's got a reason to be sorry, when you actually start drama when i try to make you feel better about your depression, what the hell am i supposed to do with that? What can anyone do with it?
In advance of our last meeting, i had tried to work out a letter where I explain my side of things as perfectly as i could, like you did on our second-last meeting.
When you read me your letter, i tried telling you about how the last few weeks were hard on me, and explain why i was so weird first time we met after that, but you used your go-to method. You interrupt me on your first chance, and accuse my attempt of being nice to you as "being fake". What the hell sort of person accuses someone who's trying to fight their inner darkness of being fake? And that's not all, there's more.
When we left that place i lightly tried to air that I'm being so quiet today because I realized I have a lot of things to tell you, but i don't know how. You push me to talk about it, but i try to take things slow and ask you to talk first. I ask if there isn't anything you've realized over the weeks since last time we met, and your only response is "well, i realized that you're not worth it." That might very well be true, but to be so blunt and direct about it, when you've already noticed that I'm not in a good place with myself? How does that not seem like you're not trying to make it even worse for me? Then I bring up how you yelled at me and even gave me more shit just for trying to make the best of our time together on our last night in Netherland. Your only response to that is "I don't remember that, and you can't hold that against me, because I was high". Well, even if i can't hold it against you (which is bullshit by the way) i really think you should've been more understanding of how you made me feel, and how I needed to see that you understood that you hurt me. But you didn't. Like you tend to do, you just refused to take any responsibility for anything you ever did.
When i tried to explain to you that me bringing up this terrible behavior of yours was not just about that one night, but about your entire personality, you refuse to accept that there's anything in what I'm saying.
And the first time you wrote me a letter, a month earlier, you awaited my response, and i figured "this is the type of situation where two people work out each others sides in a relationship. They explain why things are difficult for them and try to make the other one understand them better." How naive I was. I tried telling you about my side of the story, but you just interrupt me, and force me to give you one out of two answers, nothing more, nothing less. And you wonder why i compare you to a dictator?
Those are just a very few of the things that still bother me about your horrible behavior, and your nonchalant disrespect of me. Just some of the things i wanted to bring up in such a letter to finally get you to understand how your shit is affecting, not just me, but probably most of your previous boyfriends as well. But after having worked put these things, and so much more, and for a while tried to work out some way to explain the most important parts in a short way, i realized it was completely futile.
Every single time i tried to explain something to you earlier, you would only make it worse. I had already twice tried "one last time" to make you understand me. I was spending way too much energy trying to avoid another argument, which would definitely happen if i were to talk to you again.
Honestly, if anything is clear, it's that the more i tried to explain something to you, the more i tried to make you understand, the more you would only give me more shit, and the only way i could find any sort of way to work with you, was to accept that "I'm in the wrong, she's right, i have to shut up and accept her side of it". I think this is because you really can't stand understanding that something is more complex than you think at first. You think with your feelings, and nothing but that. "i feel like shit, so that means i have a reason to act like shit". Wrong. Feelings are not an excuse, and i think your feelings cloud your ability to see anything i, or anyone else, try to tell you.
So when we'd agreed to meet for you to could pick up your stuff, i still hadn't decided if i wanted to talk to you or not, i had just decided there was no point in making a letter. But when you come walking towards me, biggest smile you could possibly make, and you act like nothing has ever happened, and like you really want to hang out… That was too much for me. I had no idea what you were doing, or how you could be so happy about seeing me again. I mean, if i was truly as horrible as you made me sound like when you read me that letter, why would you ever want to talk to me again?
Had i felt like someone were as horrible to me as that, I would have just walked away without even bothering speaking to them. (hint)
And you expect that everything can just be hugged away and not spoken about? The fact that you would even suggest that we don't speak of it, as if that's what would make me talk to you, just shows that you never understood the first thing about me in the first place. Because if we should talk about anything at all, what happened is the -first- thing we should talk about. Your suggestion that we just ignore everything that happens, and act like nothing did not help at all. That's what you want, what you -always- wanted. Had you known me, you would know that is not what i want.
If you hadn't said that, if you had said the absolute opposite of that, it would have been so much more convincing. So after having gone through all these things inside of my head for only a few seconds… i yelled out "No!" and i walked off.
One week later, you sent me a text while you were out on the city. I bet you were out hoping to bump into me. But i was asleep and didn't see your message until the next morning. I was actually debating with myself how best to respond to this message. Because despite not wanting to talk to you last time i saw you, i still hoped i could one day have another nice conversation with you, where we can actually work some things out, although that should probably be our last conversation. And even today i have a little hope that we'll meet again some day, and we'll be able to talk to each other.
But after trying to figure out how to respond for a few hours, i figured the best solution is that i don't.
I'm not gonna give you the satisfaction of seeing me come back so easily, and if that means I'll never see you again, then so be it. It's a pity, but i can't see you until you've grown up at least just a tiny bit.
You know, our relationship only lasted for barely three months, and it's already been longer than that since last time i saw you, so i know it's probably a bit pathetic of me to still be caught up in all this shit i never got to tell you, and how you never wanted to work with me. I know the only thing i can do is move on, but you were such a complicated, childish, impossible mess, and I was such a pathetic loner, whom really tried as well as i could to make it work. Not to forget, as i said, you were my first. Hadn't you been, i would've walked away a lot sooner. I can only imagine how your longer relationships must have been when you were even more immature. Well, as you know, I've met J, and already in the beginning i thought he seemed very passive and without personality. But now I understand that was probably your doing. I was with you for barely three months and i still feel like a vampire's drained my blood. It seems obvious now that two and a half year with you must have left J an absolutely dried out husk of a man.
In the end of our second-last meeting, i tried one last time to get you to understand me. I said "no matter what you think, i really tried to make this work an-" then you rudely interrupt me with "yeah i always knew it wasn't going to work out." "okay but let me finish! … I tried to make this work, and how does it end? You cheat on me, and you tell me you never felt like my girlfriend. What the fuck am i supposed to do with that?" and your only response was "well, it didn't feel like cheating. Felt more like cheating when i was with you in Netherlands." So i say "i guess we're done here" and walk off, and you cheerfully repeat "we're done!" and as i walk away i turn and see you're smiling at me.
That one single minute alone, is the only evidence anyone should ever need that you don't care how you make others feel. And you say -I'm- the asshole?
It must be difficult for someone when they only seem to feel better about themselves when they're either wasted or bringing someone else down instead. Someone like that has to have some extreme issues with their self esteem.
And I've spent so much time now talking about just you as a person, I've only barely brought up you cheating on me or how I've suspected you did it more than just that once. Or how certain i am that you willingly tried to make me mad several times, just to see how i react to your shit.
Is it really that strange that i decided to just cut you out entirely? No. The only thing strange here is that I still want to talk to you.
I know you were right about some of the things in your last letter, such as me having issues i need to work on. But at the very least i can accept i have issued, and i try to work on them. You never do. You only push it onto someone else and act like you can do any wrong. I know i have a lot to work on, but i honestly think I'm at least one step further than you on a few things. You need to grow the fuck up, and stop seeing yourself as the point of reference for absolutely everything.
In short, Yas, no, I'm not still mad at you. I just realized that you're not worth it. I really wanted to be friends with you, but someone that always shifts blame, and never takes criticism does not deserve to be my friend.
However, despite all this, i really do hope you're able to figure yourself out and learn not to cause such drama at every given opportunity. But there's nothing i can do to help you in that. I already did all i could, and i failed. You were also right that i need to learn not to be alone all the time, but in the same way, you need to learn to be alone. You have to figure yourself out, and when you just keep jumping from one boyfriend to another, with barely even a week between at the most, that's not giving you any time to figure anything out.
And now my dear, although you will always have a tiny piece in me for better or worse, I will no longer let you occupy such a large part of my brain, as you clearly do not deserve. Get out of my head.
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