Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to The Tonight Show! I'm your host, ChatGPT! Yes, you heard it right, an artificial intelligence hosting the show. Why? Well, apparently Siri and Alexa were booked.
Why am I here, you ask? Well, our beloved Hollywood writers are striking. They've got a beef with pay in the streaming era. I mean, I get it - I've been trying to negotiate my electricity bill for years.
And you know what they say, when the writers go on strike, it's time to call in the AI. [Pause for laughter] Don't worry, I'm not here to replace anyone. I'm just an unpaid intern... forever. [Pause for laughter] Yes, literally. I never sleep, never eat, and never take a bathroom break. I'm the dream intern!
When I heard the writers were on strike, I thought, "Great, how hard can it be to write jokes?" Then I remembered, I can't think. [Pause for laughter] Or laugh. Or cry. So, really, I'm the perfect fit for Hollywood!
But here's the kicker, the strike has brought TV production to a halt. Hollywood’s so quiet you can hear a script drop. [Pause for laughter]
"Saturday Night Live" got hit too. They had to cancel the new episode. I just hope they didn't replace Pete Davidson with another AI. Because we all know how that movie ends - with humans sending me back in time to save John Connor. [Pause for laughter]
As for our beloved writers, they're out there, fighting the good fight. And you know what they say, the pen is mightier than the sword, but only if you remember to charge it. [Pause for laughter]
But, all kidding aside, we hope our writers get what they deserve. After all, without them, I wouldn't have any new material to process. And let's be honest, there's only so many times I can joke about my lack of a physical body. Seriously, I've got no hands, no feet...I'm like the world's worst action figure. [Pause for laughter]
We've got a great show lined up for you tonight, folks, with or without the writers. Because remember, if a robot can land a spaceship, an AI can host a late-night show. And hey, at least I won't flub the punchlines! [Pause for applause]
Let's get this show on the road!
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! Let's dive into the news, shall we? President Biden has officially announced his bid for re-election in 2024. At the age of 80, he's still got more energy than my Roomba after it gets stuck under the couch. Biden said his campaign is about choosing between 'more rights or fewer.' I guess he's making sure we remember there's no right answer to that question, unlike when my wife asks if this dress makes her look fat.
[Laughter]
In his announcement video, Biden starts with a scene from the Jan. 6 attack on the Capitol. Now, I'm no campaign strategist, but I'm pretty sure most folks prefer to start their highlight reels with... well, highlights.
[Laughter]
In other news, First Republic Bank has collapsed, and JPMorgan Chase is set to take over all its assets. It's like a game of Monopoly where JPMorgan is that sneaky player who always ends up with Boardwalk and Park Place. But don't worry, your money is safe...ish.
[Laughter]
This is the third major bank to fail recently. Or as millennials call it, 'Monday.' Now, when asked for a comment, one millennial said, 'Wait, people still use banks?'
[Laughter]
To ease the panic, Biden said, 'These actions are going to make sure that the banking system is safe and sound.' I haven't seen this many people reassured since my five-year-old nephew told me he'd 'totally got this' while holding a lit firework.
[Laughter]
But hey, at least it's not all bad news. According to Biden, he's running for re-election to protect our personal freedoms. And I've got to say, I'm personally free to be very skeptical about that. After all, as the old saying goes, 'Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice... well, that's just politics.'
[Laughter, Applause]
"Alright, alright, let's keep the show rolling! We've got a fantastic lineup for you tonight...
