Losing you, and the me I once knew..

Sometimes memories sneak out of my eyes and roll down my cheeks, I'll never forget the pain that echoed through the night as my heart broke, the days ahead were never to be the same, losing you and the me I once knew. His little hands were still there was no life left in his body I was so numb and the sound of my own heart beat was sickening to hear. I died too the day I became a grieving mother my worst nightmare had begun but I knew exactly what I needed to do, growing up I lived with death my father was a Kaumatua and well respected within our community when people lost their loved ones it was my Dad who got the call, I'd hear him on the phone "Ae he'd say, I'll see you soon.." I knew that it was "that time" again someone had passed and Dad was going to arrange the funeral. He'd put on his Black pants, shirt and shiny shoes then depending on the weather one of his trademark jackets would usually finish his attire. I'd grab his kete for him and his prayer books holy water and rosary then off we'd go to visit the whanau in need. I'll never forget my first time seeing a dead body and watching her whanau grieve feeling the pain they all felt for their loss just the atmosphere alone is very sad. Being the daughter of a Kaumatua I learned to take it and understand its beauty it became a natural process of life for me and I am comfortable to accept death and all it's glory. But I was never going to be prepared for the day I would lose a child nobody is
My journey started October 8th 2013 it was a normal day My partner got up and went to work the kids and I stayed home and did our usual routine. It was break time at work and Dad called to say hello he spoke to Michael and shared a bit about his day then we hung up and continued with our play the toys were out and Nana was watching TV in her wheelchair. Michael started to get tired so he went to lay down for a nap, a little while later he woke up and came out of his room and started playing with his sister I had just fed her and put her on a blanket to play she was loving the attention from her big brother. Pop had returned home from work and was having a nap and while the kids played Nana and I had a cuppa we watched them play for a good 20 minutes before Ngaio started to show signs of being tired so I picked her up to feed and Michael sat next to me watching his sister, when she fell off to sleep we took her to bed in the room he kissed her forehead told her he loved her and said "I see you when you wake up ok Nono" That was his knickname for her and one that stuck.

As he turned to walk out the door I noticed him stop he was wiggling and I thought he was dancing so I asked him Michael what are you doing? he didn't reply but by then I was next to him and as I looked down I realized he wasn't dancing he was convulsing I scooped him in my arms and ran to the lounge screaming as I lay him flat on the floor his Nana wheeled down the hall calling out for pop to come and help I grabbed the phone and rang an ambulance all while watching my son gasp for air. The operator on the other end was asking me to count his breaths 1 counted 1, 2, then it stopped she said to continue counting and I told her he had stopped she started to instruct me to do CPR but I was in shock and couldn't move his grandfather took over and started compression by now I could hear the sirens blaring and the sound of speed roaring up our street. The ambulance approached first followed closely by a 2nd unit our son was born with a heart condition so the cardiac units were rushed out, within 8 minutes of my call for help I had 8 medical staff on my doorstep.

The paramedics rushed in and took over one of them grabbed me and took me away to calm down and gather myself I grabbed my phone and rang his father at work and told him that he needed to leave now and meet me at the hospital our son was unconscious and we were in a bad situation. My sister in-law had turned up unexpectedly to drop something off and luckily was able to help with Ngaio. The paramedics had been working on Michael for a good 15 minutes they had set up the defib and were zapping at his chest I couldn't watch them shock him it hurt so much to see my son laying there lifeless, he had stopped breathing his heart was weakening and his pulse was fading but they were still trying to bring him back they managed to stabilize him and we were in a position to move so we made the transition from the lounge to the ambulance They took him out on a stretcher and put him in the back of the ambulance I watched them work on his little body and saw things nobody should ever have to see He was stabbed in his shins with needles as long as knitting sticks and the shocks to his body were throwing him up and down as I looked on the tears just started to flow my boy was fighting a battle with life and they were doing everything they could to help him and I was breaking. As we drove to the hospital I rang my brother and just cried on the phone I think i managed to get two words out but he knew what I meant and he too was on his way. I was playing phone tiggy between my partner and our family letting everyone know that we needed them my uncle was on his was home to sydney and had just left for the airport but as soon as he heard he turned around and met us there too. When we got to the hospital we were rushed straight through to resus where again a dedicated team of doctors worked tirelessly to save our Michael by now the room was full of our family as we all huddled in tear and prayer, I'll never forget the silence as my heart broke the moment the doctors looked over and announced him gone at 6.02pm October 8th 2013 I wiped my face and held my sons hand kissed him on the forehead and lead our prayer

Awe Maria, e ki ana koe i te keratia kei a koe te Ariki. E whakapaingia ana koe i roto i nga wahine, a e
whakpaingia ana hoki a Hehu, te hua o tou kopu. E Hata Maria, e te matua wahine o te Atua, inoi koe mo matou, mo te Hunga hara äianei, a, te haora o to matou matenga rawa. Amene. Kororia ki te Matua, ki te Tamaiti, Ki te Wairua Tapu, he pera ano inäianei, a, he pera tonu a ake ake. Amene.

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Hail Mary full of grace The Lord is with you. Blessed are you among women and blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. Glory be to the Father and to the Son
and to the Holy Spirit, as it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall, be world without end. Amen.

I held him in my arms and just gazed at his sleeping face and as the hours passed the warmth left his body and I knew he was really gone. The next few hours were numb and all I did was cry my brother started making phone calls while mine and my partners families got acquainted out the front of the hospital I was still finding it hard to believe and my brain wasn't registering so nothing anyone said was heard or mattered I was so broken I felt like giving up. We went home without our son that night and when it was just us in that empty room we broke into a million pieces both my partner and I were lost we didn't speak and everything was a blur I just wanted to wake up and it was all just a bad dream. The day after preparations began and I start calling funeral homes I knew what I wanted, and needed to find someone who was willing to respect my culture and religion I am Maori in case you hadn't already noticed and I was raised with a catholic faith so it was very important that these aspects were respected. I wanted to be part of every process possible from the morgue to his final resting place and I got everything I asked for. The hospital gave us time to pray and pay our respects before we were offered an opportunity to have photos with our son at first I thought it was weird but I agreed to let the team at heartfelt capture our pain in all its glory, we took pictures of his hands and feet and made prints to keep before he was taken to the hospital morgue we as parents had access to visit him at any time it was surreal to sit in a cold room with our lifeless son but we didn't want him to be left alone and we stayed as long as we could the undertakers and funeral directors all worked very close with us giving us freedom and option to plan his tangi (funeral) in the way of our people.

We live in Australia and our cultures are very different some are not used to our traditional ways but I was very lucky to find a lady who knew exactly what I wanted she too was Maori and had opened her service in Australia for families like mine. We spoke on the phone and arranged to meet I sat with her and explained that I wanted him to be buried no cremation and I wanted him to be lowered by hand with his father grandfather uncles and cousin as pall-bearers, his casket was to be white with gold handles and his full name on his plaque I wanted to dress him and have my family there for support and prayer everything we do starts and ends in prayer these wishes were granted and as we made our way to the funeral home a veil of strength came over me and I stepped up this day and put on my father's boots. We were greeted with a karanga and mihi then we went in to dress him I had picked an outfit that was meant for his sisters upcoming baptism grey pants and white shirt a khaki vest and his monster slippers, they were his favorite he wore them everywhere and I wanted him to be warm and comfy.

We had some time with him there before we lay him in his casket and after that we left to where our family and friends were waiting for us. People had come from far and wide to comfort us and grieve with us I couldn't believe the masses he bought together people I had never met but had been friends with on facebook family that was long lost friends I hadn't seen since high school everyone was there to pay respect to our Michael and farewell him on his journey to heaven. The next few days we mourned our son with a funeral and open casket people could touch and kiss him goodbye prayers and songs and mihi went from dusk till dawn and on the final night stories and memories were shared as we said our final goodbyes.

I didn't sleep that night I knew it'd be my last with my son so we stayed up talking singing and laughing remembering him and his life. The morning crept up and people started to wake the kitchen crew had put out the call breakfast was ready as everyone headed to the kai area I had one last moment with him alone and as I looked at him laying there my heart was at peace I was ok with him going to heaven I kissed him and lay my head on his chest tears flowed out onto his heart and I broke in just a few hours time I would have to let go and I just wasn't ready I was not prepared to bury my child I had waited for him carried him gave birth to him raised him for almost 3 years and watched him battle so much in his short time he truly was a miracle child the memories I have of him I will treasure. The time had come for one final tradition our final service for Michael followed by a hair cutting I had planned to cut my hair for my son and place a part of me with him and as the final prayers were said my niece started to cut I sat in front of my son the lid was closed and he was gone from sight life as I had known died at that very moment. The call rang out as our Kaikaranga started to wail we all proceed to our vehicles and made the journey to his final resting place his father and I had chosen a spot near a tree and not too far from the footpath one of his closest friends was his Nana who was in a wheelchair so I needed to make sure that she could get as close as possible to him. My other reason for choosing this spot was because of a family of 11 who all lost their lives in an unfortunate house fire there were children resting here and I thought it'd be nice for our babies to "play in heaven" I was also friends with one of the mothers so it was just nice to have a spot near others somewhat known to me I was in a foreign place and had not planned to die here let alone bury my child here. Everyone gathered near his grave and we had a final mass with him those who wanted to say a few last words shared their expressions of love. I said my final goodbyes and threw in some flowers and watched his father grandfather uncles and cousin lower his body into the ground he was at rest in his final place and I can tell you exactly how he lies down there that moment is forever etched in my memory. I watched as the dirt was shoveled friends and family sang and balloons were released into the sky bubbles of blue and white drifted into the clouds everyone started to leave some returned with us back to where we had his funeral and we had our final feast then headed over to my in-laws to bless their house this is also a tradition carried out by my family and something important to me in order for us to cleanse and release the spirit that had passed. From here everyone went home to life as it was known but for me it was the beginning of my life as a grieving mother.

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