Love & marriage 177 - Your marriage after kids - Problems and solutions.

Children are a gift from God. They can be delightful and enrich your life and marriage so much, but with them come problems and it is up to you and your spouse to find solutions together.

When kids become part of your marriage the dynamics of your marriage changes significantly. Before children, you had lots of time after work or before work to spend with your spouse. Parenting is a 24/7 responsibility. When a baby arrives it feels like every free minute is consumed by taking care of that little person's needs.

1. Household chores.

PROBLEM It feels like the house chores have doubled. Before the baby, there was still cooking, dishes, laundry and other household chores. But since the baby, there are so many other things that have to be done so quickly. The baby needs to get fed, nappy changes, bathed and put to sleep and just when you think you can start to clean up the house, you hear a cry from the bedroom. This can become a constant cause for bickering and conflict.

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SOLUTION
A husband that goes to work rarely realize how busy a little one can keep a mother. Besides that, she is also tired and sleep deprived, a baby can take up almost all of her waking hours. The only way a mother gets sufficient rest, in the beginning, is to also take a nap when the baby is sleeping.
Unless you have help from the outside like a cleaning lady you will have to accept that for awhile the house won't be spotless like before. Make peace with that.
After that, the best would be to sit down make a list of all chores, how long each chore will take and divide the chores between the two of you. Sharing the chores at this stage is the best thing to do to keep the peace and ensure that there still will be a half an hour a day for the two of you of to connect.

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2. Parenting styles

PROBLEM Different parenting styles may come as a surprise to both of you and you might discover that you almost don't agree on anything when it comes to the baby. Your spouse might be in favour of a sleep-training method, let the baby cry a bit and then you discover you cannot stand it if the baby cries for any amount of time. He maybe wants the baby to have a pacifier and you are totally against it as a friend's child was still sucking on a pacifier at three years old. The one parent is usually much more relaxed and the other one want things to be more organized and orderly.

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SOLUTION
The good news is that by the second child you will have this all figured out and had time to adjust to each other's parenting styles and compromised. It is really in the best interest of the child if parents can agree on these issues. So again it comes down to communication and compromises. Together you can read child-rearing articles and books and decide what route is best for the baby and the two of you. Even better to address this while you are pregnant and eagerly awaiting this little one. Take the issues one by one and write your decision in a book. Let this be your own baby manual. Once the baby is there and you see whatever you decide on is not working, don't be rigid, re-discuss and implement a new method on a specific issue, like maybe decide to give the pacifier to the baby but that he/she will be weaned off before his/her first birthday.

3. Sex - Love life.

PROBLEM You are having lots less sex or your sex life has become non-existent. You still love each other but you are so tired once you hit that bed all you want to do is sleep. Normally this is more from the wife's side than the husband. This is natural but you should realise that this is not healthy for your marriage. Sure the husband should be more lenient realizing that your wife needs rest but still the wife must know that her husband needs to have sex. You must make time to make love as that is the cement that holds your marriage together. If your sex life is good, lots of other things can be overcome but if there are problems in the bedroom, lots of other things become big issues as there is a lot of sexual tension and frustration.

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SOLUTION Realize and accept that you may have a little less sex than before. This gives you something to look forward to in the future, to reach a point again where you will be able to have more sex again. Accept that it is unlikely that sex is going to happen spontaneously and schedule sex. At least once a week schedule a babysitter, make a "hot" date that will include love-making at the end of the evening. Otherwise, settle for quickies. Before you take that nap while the baby is sleeping, have a quickie. If you take a long time to reach an orgasm, decide to not have an orgasm every time. Be gracious and enjoy a quickie with your husband. You still will feel good as you were part of the union and you could enjoy the nearness of your husband, experience his love for you. You will feel good as you know your husband is satisfied and will be more willing to help you with other things as he is not resentful about not having enough sex. It is a win-win situation.

4. Money

PROBLEM A baby brings lots of new expenses. This can be a huge stressor for parents. The mother most of times want to take some time off work to look after the baby, so there is more expenses but less money than before. With the stress of a new baby you don't need fighting over money added onto that. Ideally you have saved and have a little nest egg for the time that the mother might not be working or hopefully, her employer will have paid maternity benefits. (almost non-existent in South Africa). Money is one of the main reasons for divorce, so this is a serious matter.

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SOLUTION You have to carefully manage your money. Together make a budget and keep to it. Agree on all purchases about $50. Communication and openness again is the key here. Together look at your spending habits, and what you are spending on. For example, if you start to eat less take-out meals and cook money saver meals you can save a lot. There will always be methods to come by with less money. You will have to make choices like a fancy new stroller or a weekend away, again, the key is to always decide together. If you are making a lot of sacrifices like going to hairdresser less often or giving up a night out with the boys, remember it is just for the time being.

5. Grandparents

PROBLEM
It is a very special thing in life to become a grandparent. If they are living nearby it can be a huge help. They will want to spend time with the baby and lots of it. They might want to come over to your house more frequently. They will give you lots of advice that is maybe contradictory to what you believe. Remember they have raised babies before and they do have knowledge that can maybe help or not.

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SOLUTION The solution is to create boundaries. From day one let your parents and your in-laws know what to expect. A first big one is letting them know what you will allow and not allow regarding your baby. For example, waking up a sleeping baby when they come to visit is a no-no. Let them know they cannot just arrive unannounced, they need to schedule a time with you, which would be most convenient for you. But consider yourself lucky to have your parents or in-laws nearby. You can get free babysitting which can really mean a lot to you. If they come to visit, let them keep the baby busy and take a relaxing bath, maybe quickly go do some shopping. If they call and ask if they can come over, say that would be so nice mom, will you also bring a meal over, I can't remember when I had time to cook us something decent. Use the situation to your advantage and again it will be a win-win situation for you and your spouse and the grandparents.
About the advice given by them, decide what you want to try and what not. If your mother next time is asking about using her advice, you can tell her, no mom, I decided to not try that or that is not working for me or thanks mom that worked wonderfully. Be respectful but firm.

Thank you for reading, I really hoped that your baby will be a joy to you and it will enrich your live and your marriage.

grandmother @hope777