This text was originally written for a project that would collect writings about spirituality. I don’t know if the book will become a reality and since I value the message of my text I publish it here for the time being. As a christian I was invited to give my thoughts and others with different faiths would give theirs. Since it is my duty to witness whenever asked I said yes and felt honoured. I also felt it especially important since I feel the need to reach out to pagans and christians alike, and try to help finding a common ground to stand on. Maybe my own journey could help, so here it is.
English is not my preferred language to write in but I hope I have done a decent job. Also, if you liked my text, please share it with others.
My journey towards understanding the spirituality of a free man
As I am writing this I am reminded that it has been more than 20 years since I became an ordained minister in the Church of Jesus Christ Christian. I studied the AIT-course under the guidance of pastor Richard G. Butler, operating out of Hayden Lake in Idaho, USA. I lived in Sweden and did it all via ordinary mail – letters ans stamps. Internet was not what it is today. I was an ardent student and Christian Identity made sense to me, more sense than anything so far had done. When I got the diploma that acknowledged my ordination – me being a pastor – I thought that all was done and peace would be with me. I was wrong.
1.
I remember that my father and/or mother prayed with me every night before bedtime. It was a children's prayer and the beginning and end of religiosity in our house. Sweden is one of the most secular countries in the world and my family was as most. We never went to church, except for burials or baptisms and then only because the church took care of it. Christmas was about Santa, not Christ and easter was about eggs with candy inside, not Christ or religion. Midsummer was also void of spirituality. Nobody mentioned the old gods. In school we learned about different religions of the world, but our indigenous one, Asatru, was taught more like a fairytale (compare with the works of J.R.R. Tolkien) than an actual faith.
For my part i liked God – whoever he was. And I knew that he cared about me. Many adults have a hard time keeping the faith when confronted with a world where a good God seems far away. For some reason, as a child, this is no problem. Going into my preteens and being an avid reader I soon found the old gods. They also became real to me, just as God was and there was no strife, no conflict. I was serious about my believes – believe me – and Christ was just as real as Odin. It was not a pick-and-choose religiosity, nor was it shallow. In retrospect I understand how it could be so. I was not searching for the truth with a capitol T and I was not out to know every detail, every word and sentiment. I just knew and that was good enough. I was not out to prove (to myself or others) that my faith was the one and only. This came later and with it came strife and conflict.
Waking up to the political realities and understanding that I was a nationalist meant being apart of a movement (in the larger sense). Spirituality had no real part of it in Sweden. As a result of the revolution of 1968 cultural marxism took root and did so in a fashion that was all encompassing. Also the nationalists became infected with materialism. Asatru was adopted as a gimmick and Christianity was more and more seen as an enemy. In my opinion this made our ”movement” shallow. We had the outward fasade and the political ideas just under the surface, but there was no real depth, no real foundation since it must spring from the soul, ergo: spirituality. That which is not rooted in the spiritual essence of man must self-destruct sooner or later.
Realpolitik is about facts, statistics and context. There is proof that massimmigration is lethal and we can prove the negative effects of the economic system. The proof – the hard facts – are there. I adopted a political method in spirituality and this mistake followed me for a long time. When Christ say that we should come to him like children, he is right. As a young adult I tried to make sense of spirituality as I had made sense of realpolitik. I found Christian Identity, then I found Wotanism and from there onward to Evola, Nietzsche and ariosophy. Intrigued by national socialism, Devi and Serrano surfaced. But no peace, no serenity, no clarity. I was looking for the truth with a capitol T. You can’t prove a faith with hard facts. You can make a good argument about the existence of God but you can’t prove his existence. I tried to make sense of spirituality with the same logic that had made me a political nationalist, and failed miserably.
I have had the honour of corresponding with some of the greatest men of out time. They all gave of there wisdom. Pastor Butler, David Lane, Bruce Pierce and Richard Scutari comes first to mind. But there are many others. A few close friends have had a huge impact on my spiritual life. Especially I want to name David E, a dear companion on this spiritual journey. If there is one thing to take to heart it is this: value those men and women in your life who share your quest and have the courage to say what they think. In the Bible the good Lord say that we should reason together – with him and among ourself. It is truly a divine advice.
All of the above mentioned approached spirituality with faith and tried to guide me. I remember a letter I got from Bruce Pierce. In it he answered a question I had about contradictions I worried about. He wrote that I should ignore them and see the whole picture instead. I did not take his advice to heart. And the more I searched for the Truth, the less truth I found.
2.
After a while I came to the conclusion that all of it was hogwash. Christianity, God, Asatru, Odin. Be gone! I embraced materialism cloaked as national socialism and while Christianity became the enemy, Asatru could be accepted for cultural reasons and the symbolism therein was adopted. Paganism was the popular thing to embrace in a movement who as a whole despised Christianity.
But to be honest, even when I wrote articles denouncing Christianity, deep inside i doubted my own words. And when I tried to make the old faith work only as cultural gimmick, I was sceptic. And as I tried to make national socialism into a religion on it’s own I knew it didn’t make any sense.
I know that many who share my quest also share my experience. ”The truth is out there” said the poster in agent Mulders office in the X-files. I agree, but it is for us to find? The crux of the matter is that faith cannot be based on facts. This is a problem for us today since we live in a un-natural world, in an artificial world order. That which came natural to our forefathers is hidden from us. Spirituality is no longer the default setting within us, it must be searched for and found.
I remember a passage from Herman Löns book The Warwolf. It is in the beginning when Löns guides us trough the ages and sets the scene of the book. With ease he describes the passing of the old age and the coming of the new. The old gods give way to the new and he does not judge. The story furthers this and when we follow Harm Wulf and the Warwolf’s, the old rune co-exist with the villages church. The old and the new live inside the farmers and warriors. It made me think, hard.
It was my mentor, Manfred Roeder, who finally made me understand that which was hidden in plain sight. I had seen the conflict between christians and I had seen the conflict between heathens. Of course also the hate directed towards Christianity. The same people who honoured Corneliu Codreanu was attacking the very faith that made him one of Europes greatest sons.
Truth be told. We have many churches that are the enemy of our beautiful race, but many christians who fight the good fight. Also, we have groups claiming to represent Asatru but preach the death of our great race. They in no way reflect on all the upstanding men and women who follow the old faith and dedicate their lives to the continued existence of our people.
My mentor, a student of the SS elite school Napola and the youngest volunteer of the Wehrmacht in the battle of Berlin in 1945, who went on fighting all his life, concluded that there is no conflict between those who fight for the blood of our race. It was not tolerated when he was young and he didn’t accept it as an old man – der Alter Kämpfer was a no nonsens man. I took his words to heart and have not, since then, accepted the belittling of my fathers faiths, be they Christian or pagan.
3.
Many wise men have come to the same conclusion but as with so many important things in life, one has to find out for oneself. But this understanding did not help the conflict within me, where Christ stod against Odin; the forests, mountains and fields against heaven above.
I was a grown man and wise of the world I thought. The years spent reading and studying had given me knowledge. Maybe not so much wisdom though. The conflict I abhorred between brothers and sisters due to different faiths was still in me. I had to unpack my bag and get rid of the baggage that weight me down. As always I turned to my books for guidance. It was like revisiting good old friends. This time it all made sense, for real.
The ariosophy of Johannes Bureus was protected by Swedens protestant king Gustav Adolph the Great and the work of Götiska Förbundet – where men of the cloth like Esias Tegnér and Erik Gustav Geijer – made sure that the old ways lived on as the 19th century became the 20th. How could that be? Where was the strife and the conflict? How could they have no gods except God and still give life, form and meaning to the gods of old?
How I pondered that question.
It all begins with that essence that is inside us, the soul that is at the center of our beings. This life force predestines us – we of the Faustian race – to search and explore. Not only the world around us or space above us, but also the worlds that we sense are ”out there”. This has been at the core of our race since we first set foot upon this earth.
Some of us find peace easy and accept the teaching of others as our own. There is no fault in that as long as the teachings are life-affirmative, blood loyal and in line with our soul. Christ gave us a way to se what is what: we should not look to the words, but the acts of those who follow the words. Those who turn blood against blood and take without never giving their own measure of worth are false prophets no matter what creed they peddle.
There was a time when the followers of the Way and our pagan forefathers lived side by side. This was before the Church of Rome. I am sure that we can find a way back and again make blood the center of faith; and that our search for understanding the world we live in the common ground we need.
I myself have found peace through the understanding that it is by living, thinking, reasoning, learning and fighting I honor God and the gods. Yes, like wise men before me I can now say that I accept Christ as the second Adam and my brother with all the implications that brings. At the same time I can reach out to the gods of old and give them all my respect and love. Without any confusion in my mind I serve the Allfather who is the Highest God and Creator.
There is no conflict between the forests, fields, mountains and heaven – there is a bond. I will not try to prove it since it is my faith. I will preach it to anyone who will listen and I will listen to anyone who will witness to their own faith. But I will not stand for anyone who seeks enmity between those who fight the good fight.
4.
Without spirituality there is only base materialism. We know it today by it’s fruits. We don’t want it and we sure doesn’t need it.
We need a spirituality that makes us strong both as individuals and as a whole. Faith carries us through life. It makes us strong when we feel weak and it makes us humble when we get carried away. It demands us to try and live up to certain standards that will make ourself and our society better. When we stumble it picks us up.
What we don’t need is a spirituality that darkens our souls and makes us weak by sidestepping the fundamental question of blood loyalty. Just as differences in politics should not make us turn away from the foundations that make a society strong and a civilisation great, nor should our expression of our spirituality lead to discord. If we let it do so, we are at fault. Yes, we. Every last one of us have a decision to make. Either we embrace our faith, that faith that make sense to us and gives us strength and light and stand ready to give witness to it when someone is interested, but also accept that others might have a different idea. Or we chose to put faith over blood loyalty (which is the foundation of all true faiths) with all the consequences that follows.