I have pondered many of the same questions. You can't work your way to grace and yet the change isn't coming naturally. You aren't alone, there are many Christians who struggle as you though they don't show it. It wasn't until fairly recently that things started to make more sense for me. Sometimes it really does take hitting bottom to wake us up and sometimes not. I also believe the people you associate with can have a bigger effect on your spirituality than most realize as well.
Can I ask you what religion or denomination of Christianity are you?
I don't subscribe to a particular denomination, they I currently attend a Baptist church with my wife. I don't agree with everything they teach but they show God's love and truly do a lot in His name so that is why I attend the church.