At least, being able to process and think through what happened and likely why it happened is a huge step!
Sometimes the most important lessons we need to learn have the most emotionally-difficult build-ups. To get our attention. Otherwise, the next time would be louder still until you finally get it.
And sometimes we are our own worst critics.
Perhaps, if you now still feel apart from the family as they (and you) go through all the xmas rituals, step back and observe ... look for the underlying positives in what they do and say, understand the why. Perspective. Then you may be able to find a way to merge yourself back into the traditional routine, at least for the day. :)
YES. perfectly said.
🙏