Saltwater Gospel.

I need to get away.
Need to go to water. 🌊
That’s always helped me get my mind (at least somewhat) right.
I have things I need to wash away, to cleanse myself of.
I need the sun. ☀️
To help me feel warm again.
I need time to myself. Just to me.

Saying so much has happened in just one, short, year would be an understatement.
One. Short. Year.
At times, it felt a lot like an eternity.
At times it felt like it was flying.
I lost so many things I will never get back.

But I learned some things, too, in that year.
A lot about myself.
Even if I am still trying to figure it all out, put the puzzle together.
Do I even have all the right pieces?
Probably not.
So I’ll keep searching until I do.

I harbor a lot of anger.
Negative feelings.
Towards myself, towards others.
I keep hold of things I need to just let go.
If letting go of some of those things was just that easy.
It’s hard to forget about the things that have hurt you.
People. Words. Experiences.
Just like it’s hard to let go of the good things.
The memories. The feelings.
But harder yet, is the ability to separate the two.

I wish I didn’t take things so personally.
One of my issues is being able to give advice, and then turn around and forget to follow it myself.
Another is remembering that I am not in control of anyone but Me.
And that nobody else BUT me is in control of Me.

“You wear your heart on your sleeve.”
“You’re vocal, verbal, people hear you”

I don’t do well at hiding my feelings. At least, not the negative ones.
I need to learn to compartmentalize, to separate.
Is being so passionate, so “feeling” such a bad thing?

I wish, just for a day, that I could step back and see myself as others see me.
Those who like me, love me…
But also those who dislike me, hate me…
I wish I understood myself better.
What it’s really like to be around me, my highs, my lows.
Does my smile light up a room?
Does my personality turn people off?

At the end of the day, I only know how to be me…
But who am I?

Do I try to blend in?
Do I try to stand out?
Do I do both?
Am I leader?
Or do I follow the crowd?
Am I strong?
Or do I just look the part?

Is anything ever really a waste?
Of my time, my energy, my potential?
Where will I end up?
Who will I end up with?
Where will I end up calling home?

There’s no such thing as a crystal ball.
No book you can open to a certain page, that tells you where you’re going or what’s going to happen next.
But we all wish, at times, there was.

Change is in order, that’s for sure.
Scenery. Faces. Energy.
Sometimes even where you fit, isn’t necessarily where you belong.
Maybe it takes a lifetime to figure that all out.

All I know is when I die, I want to be able to say that I was as happy as I could be.
That my life was full.
Despite the ups and the downs, I made it.

Time is a man made thing.
Life happens to us, not for us.
Are we in control, or are we not?
Of some things, yes, but certainly not all.

So I’ll look to nature for answers.
Water brings clarity.
It allows you to be weightless, so for once, nothing rests on your shoulders.
At least, it always has for me.
So that’s where I’ll start my search.
Let it wash over me.
Cleanse my wounds.
Carry my burdens.

Hopefully I’ll find SOMETHING.
If anything, it’s a start…