Let's Talk About Murder: A New Justice System

Murder is an interesting invention. I've never completely come out against it for good reason. I think it's a better crime than rape, meaning not as bad. For one, murder solves all of your problems. Problems you didn't even know you had. Nobody ever gets murdered and then their life is in shambles. "This murder is ruining my life!" That's a bit of an oxymoron. Rape, on the other hand, doesn't have a real purpose to exist against the harm done to the victim. In fact, it often creates more people who don't deserve to be here. Murder is unique in this regard.

The reason I am not fully against murder is that it's ironically beneficial to the environment. But I have some reservations about it. I want people to kill each other, one on one. I don't want the government to have any part. That's why I'm against the death penalty. Why should they get to decide? I feel sorry for the killer in that situation, I don't know about you. I end up hating the family of the victim even more. They get a front row seat to the "humane" act of execution. These sheep were too weak to go out and seek vengeance themselves, so they let police do the job. Fuck 'em. They got what they deserved. I hope they choke on their popcorn.

Let's approach murder from a foreign policy perspective. Am I pro-war? Ideologically, not really. But would you just look at those results! Thousands upon thousands shot, stabbed, blown up, beaten, waterboarded, rocket-launched and finger-fucked to an unmarked grave. We need more of this available for streaming on Netflix.

From a domestic standpoint, I believe murder should be swift and meet a strict criteria. I think we should have laws designed specifically for vigilante justice. My first rule is obviously, you can't murder me. Fuck you; this is my list, I make the rules.

Second, you must have a good reason. Suspicion won't cut it. You have to be able to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that your victim was the true rapist of your wife, or that he truly bought tickets to an Amy Schumer show. You have to be able to provide your evidence before a court of your peers. No judges or law enforcement allowed at these hearings. After all, this is vigilante justice. In fact, with this loophole in place, I have a feeling a lot of law enforcement officials will finally feel the repercussions of shooting unarmed black teenagers. You just have to pull out your phone.

Third, no gruesome or heinous shit combined with the murder...unless it's funny. Ted Bundy-style decapitations are so passe, and not exactly blockbuster material. If you want to combine your first-degree with homicide, assault and battery, parking tickets, etc, go for it. But tell a story. It really helps to wear a funny costume. Like Chuck-E-Cheese, Captain Hook, or a mime. Then dress the dead guy up in the costume while you prance around naked in the wheat fields. Joker-type shit. Perhaps vary your choice of weaponry. Super-glue all the holes in his body shut one by one, slowly, starting with the asshole and mouth, then the eyelids, and finally the nostrils. Lock him in a room full of exotic yet deadly animals, like snakes or spiders. Or simply design your own Saw contraption for the court's amusement. The level of comic relief and absurdity must outweigh the level of disgust experienced by your audience. Remember, this is all in good fun, and the tone should not be sinister. In order to get around this law, you're gonna have to get creative. The possibilities are endless. Plan your murder ahead of time, on a date. Ask to be excused to the restroom several times as you wait for your target to take a shit in the stall next to you. Stuff him in a ceiling panel, return to your table as though nothing happened, and order a Bloody Mary. Arrange a classy PowerPoint for your corporate meeting. Include pictures of your asshole boss's family tied and gagged in between slides of line charts and "goals for 2018". The court will grade your murder project based on availability of evidence, style, humor and creativity. The other criteria can be figured out later.

Or you could simply shoot him in the back of the head in an isolated locale. Laaaaaaaame, but whatever blows your goat.

And the final requirement for killing somebody: You have to kill yourself. Don't worry; we'll give you some time to get your affairs in order. We'll give you...six months to say your goodbyes to people in your life. OK, make it a year. We'll give you a full 365 to get laid, take shrooms, travel the world, and live a full life knowing exactly when it's going to end. We'll even include all the tools you'll need, sponsored by the most powerful lobbyists in America. A lifetime supply of Oxycontin and Xanax, and a free, fully loaded .44 magnum (or whatever the NRA deems the most useful tool for offing yourself), included with an instruction manual of how much to dose, where to aim, etc. Perhaps we'll even get a celebrity to do a promotional DVD. A real sellout cocksucker like James Corden. Somebody who'll make you want to kill yourself if you're having doubts. Shit, pay him $40 million, and he'd probably finish himself off too. Easy as IKEA.

And if you don't acquiesce this last rule, well--that one will probably work itself out on its own.

Once we have all the rules established for murder, we will hopefully reduce our dependence on bureaucratic, authoritarian forces to protect us.