entry—I have an idea. First, I’m going to pretend you know all about the past 22 years of my life and how each step has been strategically calculated like a methodical game of chess that has enabled both my wife and myself to be in the comfortable position we’re in today—vested freedom. Second, I’m going to use a statement a stupid female dog said to me the other day in the gym. I’ll use what she said right to my face to my advantage by comparing her ignorant, should’ve kept her stupid mouth shut statement against equally as stupid, everyday occurrences that go unnoticed and, in my opinion, should be addressed more frequently— you ready?Eh, what’s up #steemit, @steemcomedyclub, thanks for having me! Thanks for clicking on this article just now—happy 2019! I’ve been trying to think of something #funny to tell you ever since @sivehead nominated me in his hilarious COM Round 23
So, I’m eavesdropping, right? It’s not a big gym, eavesropping is inevitable in a small gym especially when you’re not wearing earbuds and the only other two people in the joint are talking to each other, they’re five feet away from you, and you’re eavesdropping on their conversation! The trainer lady, a female dog, is probably in her late 40’s and the woman she’s training is about 10 years older than she is. The trainer’s telling her client about Costa Rica and the trip she and her husband just got back from. Well :disclaimer: I ♥️ Central America—I was drawn to their conversation. 🧐
As the trainer female dog was explaining directions to their Air B&B and how difficult it was to locate because there’s no such thing as mailboxes or street addresses, she’s saying things to her client like “left at the white fence” and “right at the tire swing,” I knew exactly what she was talking about. She looked right at me and smiled so I acknowledged her by chiming in: “You’re absolutely right about no street addresses in Costa Rica, ain’t it great? No mailman!” She half-face smiled and asked me when was the last time I was there. “About a year ago” I said and I told her I was going back the second week in January, “I can’t wait!” She said “oh, really? Start off the New Year with a vacation in Costa Rica?” I told her “no, actually, my wife and I are moving there!” Without any hesitation, that stupid female dog looked me right in the eye and, as her half-faced smile changed to a full-faced smirk, she said “yeah, we’d like to do something like that but we still live in The Now” and turned her #FFF’ing back on me!
bow-wow-bark-bark-bark
I didn’t comment back and instead continued my workout without acknowledging either of them again but I’m not gonna lie, it would’ve been entertaining to hear myself say: “Yeah, I can really tell you’re living in ‘The Now,’ I mean, what are you, pushing 50 years old and you’re an accomplished part-time trainer in one of the more affordable gyms in the city? Pensions, health coverage, at least one annuity set up in your name, I’m sure you have all of that—congratulations! Yeah lady, you’re killin it, you’re really living in The Now!” But... I didn’t—that would have been rude. 😉 Instead, I’ll use the opportunity as motivation to point out a few examples of everyday occurrences that each of us pass off as normal. That stupid female dog had no problem judging me and sharing her disrespectful opinion out loud in front of her client but I’m willing to bet both she and her client bite their tongues, along with everyone else, when it comes to the following three abnormalities and, in my opinion, someone needs to say something.
Example No. 1:
mannequin
nipples
Eh, can someone please explain the purpose of mannequin nipples to me? Go ahead, I’ll wait. 😴 Was the fake skinned, fake woman with fake arms, fake hands, a fake face and fake boobs not cool enough? Fake nipples were just part of the fake evolution cycle I guess. 🤔 No offense to the ladies with fake boobs face, skin, etc. but that was not a fake analogy! It wasn’t until after I typed it I realized I’m probably surrounded by more fake boobs on real women in Los Angeles, California than I am fake boobs on fake women nationwide. Think about that one for a minute. What’s next, fake kneecaps? Artificial eyelashes that Blink? Ooh, tongues! They should make these dual-nippled mannequins lick their lips!
Example No. 2:
one at
this price
bold letters. “Thanks, douchebag, had it not been for F O R D across your windshield, I never would’ve guessed what kind of Ford your truck is.”Baby poop green cars. The only time a baby poop green car looks good is amongst a showroom floor full of silver cars. Congratulations #new vehicle owner! You’re now the proud owner of a discounted ‘one at this price’ vehicle because nobody else will buy it because it’s only cool for one day and by the end of the week, you’ll be driving a huge chunk of buyers remorse—welcome to instant financing! Now you’re locked into a baby-poop green car for the next five years that you’re embarrassed to be seen in—enjoy! Tinted windows are your only option to shield yourself from the publics eye at this point and it’s not going to stop. In fact, it’ll get worse, everyone on the road wants to get a good look at the person who bought the only baby-poop green car on the lot. Get racing stripes, ooh, and a personalized license plate! “ILUVGRN” or “GRNMCHN” are the first that come to mind. One of my personal favorites is stickers! I heard each sticker across the back window adds One horse power under the hood, is that true? My all-time favorite is when they identify the make of their truck in huge,
Example No. 3
junk
I never downloaded, uploaded, mail ordered or in-store purchased a junk email folder, it was assigned to me! I don’t want it, I hate it, I don’t need junk real mail, junk virtual mail, junk email, how’s this? If it starts with the wOrd ‘junk,’ keep it. There’s no ‘remove folder’ option for either of my junk email accounts, it sucks! I appreciate the addition of ‘file cabinet’ and, of course, the basic folders such as ‘sent mail’ or ‘trash’ are appreciated but what’s up with the junk folder? I don’t look at the mail in there, ever, all I do with it is “edit” and “delete all” once or twice a day—what’s the’fa king point?! I can’t delete it, does anyone know how to permanently delete these junk email folders?? Thanks!
Can you believe that personal trainer said that to me? Poor dog. I bet her name is ‘missy’ or ‘gracie’ or some other household name female dogs commonly respond to when someone says “sit!” Yeah.. it must really suck to be her.
Sucks like getting...
bong
water
On your lips—Eye’fa king hate it when that happens!! Typically, the only time you’re going to get bong water on your lips is right after you replaced the water in the thing but regardless, whether it’s fresh water or not isn’t important, there’s never an opportune time to splash bong water on your lips. Doesn’t matter how many times the water has been changed out in the thing, every once in awhile someone pulls a rookie move and adds just a teensy-weensy bit too much water and the first rip—“splash!” Danget!! Yeah, it sucks even worse than that to be her.
Like getting caught staring at...
fake
boobs
In the grocery market—I hate it when that happens! ‘Busted!’ Why is it the only chick with big, huge, fake boobs is rockin a wife-beater in December when it’s freezing cold outside?! All of the other women in the market are bundled up in jackets and beanies but not her, nope! Oh, and she’s standing in the frozen foods section! I can’t help it, I stand when I pee, what can I say? My eyes and my thoughts do things without my prior knowledge and I can’t stop seeing or thinking them until I’ve already seen it and thought it—it sucks! I’m sure it’s just me, fellas. 😉
Even worse than...
drinking
coffee
free shout-out of coolness relief, instead you’re afraid your teeth are disintegrating. “YoOuch!!” All you want to do at this point is swallow the coffee but it’s way too hot and you know it’s likely to burn the back of your esophagus so bad the chances of continuing this cup of coffee could be compromised—not an option! So, you ride it out, hoping the skin on the roof of your mouth will peel off smoothly by tomorrow morning and that’s about the time it finally cools down enough to swallow it, “finally!” Yeah, that’s how bad it sucks to be her. “Speak!”ing of her...When all you meant to do was take a sip! Ahhh—the worst!!! Now you’re tongue juggling a mouthful of boiling hot liquid, hoping for an instant @sensation
Dear female dog:
Thanks! Thanks for being so good at sucking—you’re like missing the trash can with wet coffee grounds but worse! And thanks for being such a stupid female dog too! You inspired this COM Round 44 entry, good lookin out, “Bella.” Make sure you show this to your friends and don’t forget to hit that green arrow thingy on your way out. 👍🏿
Love always,
Dandays
Hi dandays,
This will determine your ultimate position when the results are tallied. (That being said, you are free to adopt any position you wish - we can recommend pantsless with beer in hand.)Thank you for your entry in to #comedyopenmic comedy contest. We have asked the judges below to review your entry and give it a funny rating. (They generally have no sense of humor, as the saying goes, those that can't do, start contests and judge).
Judges:
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Thank you for providing this platform @steemcomedyclub.
thanks for nominating but i am really baf at making / writing fun so although i am honoured i happily rebound the nomination stick to you for passing it on to somebody else :) thanks for
understanding!
Thanks for being a good sport about it! You’re always at the top of the list with delegations, I figured maybe all you needed was a nomination, no worries!
Thanks a lot for stopping by @roelandp.
Damn!!!! That was a lot… the mannequin nipples is strange I suppose. “But, we think in the long term”.
I heartu all the time.
I didn’t want to ignore his challenge, I suppose.
Thanks @puravidaville. Sweet as a lime!
I’m a dikkk… I heartu all the time, muah!
Haha love it all☺️
Thank you even more than this, you’re too kind! Comedy pieces are the toughest for me, up to and then the actual clicking of the post button I become more and more of a nervous wreck, sweating and clammy hands, the whole 9–total mess! But totally worth it when it’s appreciated, I’m glad you liked it.
Thanks for stopping by @artedellavita, it’s great to be met!
Back in college during my first degree, there was this mannequin with the curviest and sexiest behind I ever saw. Eveey time I passed there, I'd stare at the bum for a while then daydream. Every now and then, I'd finesse a feel on the booty, rub my hands gently on it like it was a mistake. Oh those were the days.
Imagine the possibilities had you actually attended that class and graduated? 😉 Off the record: My autocorrect didn’t adjust ‘class’ for me, it was ‘clas’ instead. Misspelling “class” would’ve sucked even worse than boiling liquid.
Eh, thanks for stopping by @belemo. Happy new year to you, you mannequin feeler-upper.
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Thank you for noticing me @splatz! I really appreciate it, thanks a lot for stopping by.
howdy sir dandays! haha! wow that lady had no idea how famous you were going to make her. And how stupid you would make her look. She deserved it, great job, super funny stuff!
It worked out rather well, @sivehead nominated me on a Friday and the following Monday when I was in the gym is when she said that to me. “Thanks, lady! You just gave me an idea.”
I’m glad you liked it @janton, I’ve checked out all of the comedy posts from last week and none of them got the big vote so we’ll see who finishes first and last. But you know what they say about “he who enters first.”
In case you’re wondering about my big upvote. I traded our car for Steem. Laugh out loud! Whatcha think of that move, janton? A buddy of mine bought our car and gave me X amount in USD and had X amount of Bitcoin. So I asked him to send his Bitcoin through @blocktrades.us and landed it right in my Steemit wallet. There’s still some more BTC payment to come so he’ll send to Pura Vida’s wallet next.
I figured why not?? Not like we couldn’t use the USD but really, we’re blessed to be in this position so, essentially, banking our wallets and being able to freely give it away to all of you is more valuable to us.
Thanks for stopping by @janton! Happy Friday.
howdy sir dandays! that's brilliant about selling the car for partly bitcoin! lol. great job and you can support steemit with that too to help so many others, that's a beautiful thing.
That was so sweet of Bella to help push you in the direction of this COM post. She should get the McFly slap in the back of the head. I’ve never understood the Puke Green or Baby Poo Green cars either, and ya mannequin nips??? Is that really necessary? It’s like the lady with bolt-ons in the wife beater stepped outside in Antarctica or something Dang!!
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Hey! Good morning Splatts, happy Tuesday, I just woke up in San Francisco. Our clock is really tickin now my brother, ooooh weee!
Eh, is it just me or does every driver of poop green cars look like they’re in permanent road rage when they’re behind the wheel? And thanks for getting my back on the uhm... body work? There’s no way I’m the only one who gets caught!
I’m really glad you liked this one @jlsplatts, your continued support is why I’m still doing this. Thanks a lot for stopping by.
Most of the time I can’t see inside those little Go-Kart cars. My Man-Sized Rigs are a little too tall and make them run in fear and take the nearest exit. Come to think of it, I oven see some type of fluid leaking out of the tail pipe when I pull up behind them at a stop light????
How can you not take a ummm...glance ya know. I mean, they get them bolted on for a reason...right??
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I’ve always been able to say “nice tattoo, can I see it?” Or “that sure is a nice hat, where’d you get it?”
I guess that line of questioning isn’t always accepted even if you’re just talking about store bought items.
I feel like telling them, “easy you might poke an eye out” that’s kind of like saying, “hey nice watch” when your using the urinal next to someone. You just don’t do that. Lol
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Dude that’s funny! “Is that Seiko?”
“Yes it is, the battery-less one that you shake to wind it up”
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