No, there is no mistake in the title. I really AM up to what I am saying - I am going to show you how we (can) exacerbate social pain. How we grab the arrow of rejection and poke it around in our wound while sticking it even deeper into our already agonized sense of self-worth in some kind of sadomasochist joy. Except that most of us do not like pain. And most of us don't like to be excluded.
In fact, we are biologically hard-wired to experience social rejection as a deadly threat - a relict from our hunter-gatherer days. Which is comprehensible once you visualize a single hominid fighting a sabor-tooth tiger. In the environment we evolved in, being excluded was equal to a death sentence. Actually, it still is in some parts of the world. Neuroscientific studies demonstrate that social pain elicited by rejection or exclusion lights up the same areas of the brain associated with the experience of physical pain.
So what does this mean? That we don't have any choice? That there is some kind of evolutionary algorhytm, allocating a strictly fixed amount of shitty feelings towards yourself to each specific event REGARDLESS of what you do and think?
Well, not exactly, at least according to the Buddha or modern science. Both distinguish between pain and suffering.
Pain describes the inevitable, uncontrollable, direct experience of bodily or psychologic harm. Suffering, on the other hand, has a lot to do with our interpretation of what the event means to our bodily, psychologic or spiritual wholeness.
Which means that the mere occurence of rejection or exclusion alone is not sufficient to exuberate your self-hating tendencies. To make you feel deep down like you are utterly unlovable and flawed. Yes, rejection is always accompanied by a negative emotion and can be incredibly painfull, especially if it takes place over a prolonged period of time and is done by a whole group towards an individual. BUT you have to add the decisive, magic ingredients for the seeds of self-hatred and the sense of worthlessness to grow and flourish.
You see, under normal circumstances - meaning you live on Planet Earth and are not a delusional North-Korean dictator - you will never get short on supply. Yes, some get a bigger share of social bullshit than others. And still, there always will be cases where someone will refuse to accept something you say, do or represent (in their or your eyes) or to comply with your ideas or wish for communication.
Still, each one of us knows this one person that seems to not give a fuck. Whose sense of worth seems to be immune to all kinds of rejection or exclusion. I must admit that on some occasions I have had hater-rants in my mind on such people because I just could not understand how they can feel so good about themselves while being "mediocre" in my eyes. Which was basically fueled by my habit of extreme self-criticism and even self-hatred translating into devaluing others. (Yes, I am saying that if you are a hater, chances are that you don't like youself much either.)
The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines the noun "rejection" over the verb "reject", which, as we all know, is a do-word. "Reject", ont he other hand, is defined as the refusal to accept, consider, submit to, take for some purpose or use, to hear, receive, or admit.
So, how do we augment social pain?
In short, we go for the active part of "rejection". It is the one we need to concentrate on if we want to excell as self-hatred champs. Why? Because in order to feel lousy about yourself after a rejection you need to truely and deeply BELIEVE that the rejectors are actively and RIGHTLY so rejecting you as a being. And that being rejected means you are shit.
< WARNING: The following text might contain traces of humor, irony or sarcasm. Use at own responsibility>
By now you may be curious. What are effective steps to cognitively ensure that a rejection can reach its full damaging potential in our lives?
I. Make this all about your worth as a human being
Basically, this one is THE ingredient that will turn the pain of not connecting into an destructive self-loathing rant. Forget about the specifics of who exactly has rejected you and don't contemplate on constructive ways to fulfill your needs and wants. Focus on the fact that a rejection has taken place. This way you will effectively skew the possibility of getting what you need or want while simultaneously enabling your body a prolonged stay in a flood of stress hormones. Then apply this rejection to your whole being. A fast way to achieve this is assuming that whoever rejected you based their decision on having broadband access to a solid and comprehensive basis of knowledge about all of your qualities, experiences, history and then, on grounds of logical processes, concluded that you are worthless. Which means that their conclusion has universal validity.
II. Cultivate thoughts of unworthiness
Once you have done this, you should be and keep aware of the fact that you are not good enough to hang out with. You are a brilliant cook? Who the f*ck cares, noone wants to eat your muck! You can lick your elbow? Why don't you disappear in the freak section! You have to make this very clear to yourself, as something matter-of-factly, that you are thoroughly insufficient. You have to firmly convince yourself that you are an embarassment to be around. Ideally you will imagine and vividly visualize how you fuck up in different social situations. Marinate in the feeling of embarassment.
III. Get specific about the ways in which you suck
You should then do a meticulous check of yourself and criystalize everything that is wrong with your clothes, the words you say, the way you look. It is vital that you make an assessment of yourself that is as harsh, relentles, toxis and uncompassionate as possible. Only loosers are kind to themselves! Which actually would mean that you are a winner, but anyway... Be sure not to show any signs of compassion or understanding towards yourself. This could really get in your way of efficiently inducing negative feelings towards yourself. So, if you get distracted say something like "Mom/dad/friend/society is right, I am a total..." and then call yourself hurtfull names others have called you in the past. You can accelerate the process by putting a list of your shortcomings on your fridge or, alternatively, post the list on social media.
IV. Take responsibility for other people's behaviours
Don't you ever think that rejection says more about the needs, wants and struggles of the other person than about you! That's all new-age blah blah. It is very personal and it means that you, being a looser, don't deserve getting a share of the attention pie. Take full reponsibility for other people's behaviours. If they are being inattentive or rude it's because of the scientifically proven fact that you sit in their heads and control them into being their worst selves. Just ignore the paradox of being a loser and so powerfull at the same time.
V. Compare yourself to people that DO get included
In what ways are the other people better than you are? Maybe they are taller. Maybe they have brand clothes on and brag about their last alcoholic journey. Maybe they just did a concert. Maybe they are your best friend. Watch and learn. Make a list if needed. Buy a book on bullying and apply it to yourself. Nothing will help you more to get to the core of your unworthiness than doing missinformed comparissons with people you don't know or who stand in different life paths than you do.
VI. Don't connect with others
Convince yourself that you have to go through this pain on your own. Convince yourself that rejection is not a legitimate part of life, that you are completely alone in your experience and no other human has ever experienced what you experience. At all costs DON'T, I repeat, DON'T seek help, advice or whatever. This could lead to high levels of self-acceptance and agency.
VII. NEVER EVER BE COMPASSIONATE WITH YOURSELF
This is an even bigger no-no. The red button of apocalypse. You don't know what might happen if you push it. Specific things not to do are for example thinking about what you would say to a good friend in the same situation and saying those things to yourself, watching your favorite upbeat movie, taking a nice warm bath, forgiving yourself for being human and feeling what you feel.
Now make no mistake - all of this takes some time and practice!
But as a veteran in this field I assure you - once you have installed these five basic components into your mind, you can lean back and watch the (un)worthiness-show unfold in your head. Just keep doing what makes you (un)happy!
Great post ! You have put a great deal of effort ! So basically we take the written and irony and reverse it and actually use it ? This is pretty deep, yo :)
Good work, keep it up !
on point @ervinneb! thank you so much for your kind and encouraging comment! this is the whole idea behind the post. because at the end of the day most of us struggle with the same shizznit and we are so deep into it that we can't even dream of something else. I think humor is a great vehicle for facing painful realities and can bring a sense of lightness and space into these else really solid and heavy topics.
Great writing about rejection & how you can make it worse! LOL. And I liked that you pointed out the difference between pain and suffering.
In my systemic jargon we call the method of "more of the same" paradox intervention. I like it a lot and it always gives some good laughs, too!!
Thanks!
Thank you so much for your comment, @erh.germany! "More of the same" paradox intervention - now I have a name for something I like a lot myself. Lovingly mocking certain thoughts of oneself is so helpfull! Going to directly google this "more of the sam" thingy ;)
4.96% @pushup from @ervinneb