Hahaha @lucyogo. I get you.
I hate that my kids bring home HEFTY BAGS full of candy and then throw epic tantrums when I try to reason with them that all of Trenton couldn’t consume that much candy in a year. I hate that after they’ve gone to sleep I steal half their candy, store it in my closet and then eat it night after night over the next six months because I hear those delicious Three Musketeers and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and little yummy candy corns calling to me, tempting me, making me fat.
I hate the dentist on my block who gives out toothbrushes instead of candy. It’s not funny and it upsets my kids.
I hate the drivers who tear through the neighborhood, at night, while kids are walking around.
I hate pretending to make a show of carving up pumpkins with my kids, pretending what a great time we’re all having, until I inevitably cut myself and my wife says “I told you so God dammit!”
I hate that it’s been five years since the Halloween after the Phillies won the World Series and now they’re terrible.
I hate the fact that there are now local urgent care centers that will x-ray Halloween candy.
I hate the over-priced popup Halloween stores that suddenly appear in burnt-out strip malls and remind me how crappy our economy is.
I hate the Halloween parties that make me sit at home and fret while my kids are drinking God-knows-what and hanging with God-knows-who wearing a Miley Cyrus Twerking costume.
I hate the Christmas ads that automatically start appearing that evening, ushering in almost two full months of promotions, sales and incentives from desperate retailers begging us to buy their products so they don’t have yet another disappointing year.
I hate that we’re all trying to pretend we’re re-living some magical time of our own childhood until we realize that it really wasn’t so magical after all.
My kids are finally off to college so I’m past all of this, thank God. This year I’m going to celebrate Halloween differently. An outside light left on. A bowl of bite-sized Snickers left on the porch. A locked front door. A flickering TV set in my dark bedroom showing football. A bottle of Jack Daniels. Nothing scary. Nothing crazy. Now that I like.
Its really annoying.
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