For me, the first has both clarity and surprise that the second does not. I knew enough about how Jenny felt to clearly imagine her saying the first line of the joke, although I didn't know it was a joke until Declan laughed. Maybe it's because I read the upper one first, but the joke was funnier the first time around. And the joke teller remains despondent, which is both surprising and says a a lot. Plus, it's one more thing we know about Jenny. Last, I like the shape of it on the page better - the poet in me. I love that story!
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Glad you like it! Thanks so much for your comment. Shoot, the second version works so much better for me. Who knows, maybe sometimes it’s best to leave well enough alone! 😁
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I'm a big believer in "if it's good, it's done." It really may be that I read the upper one first.