January 2023
Sometimes, you think you know a person at the back of your hand. I thought I knew my best friend like the back of my hand. I was wrong. I was twenty-three years old when I received news that my best friend, Tyler, took his own life. I don’t know why, I never asked how. It was a cold night in Strasbourg, France, I was walking to my apartment when an unknown number called me and spoke to me in rapid Singlish, the only words I could decipher were “suicide” and “Tyler”. The elevator seemed like it took forever to get back to the ground floor, I ran up the stairs to my apartment. I couldn’t wait any longer. I slammed the door and ran to my bed and wept. Suicide. Tyler. Two words that I couldn’t get out of my head that night. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t see, I couldn’t feel my own body… Tyler. Suicide. Why? Tyler, why??
“What made you do it?!?!” Those were my last thoughts before I blacked out.
February 2011
I was eleven years old when I met him. Hazel brown eyes, curly brunette hair, loose and baggy jeans, and a black and red striped shirt. I was playing around in the garden with my sister Amy when a moving truck parked in front of the vacant house beside ours. Out came a man who reminded me so much of Santa Claus, next came a woman; his wife most probably, with hair that reminded me of instant noodles, then came Tyler…
When Tyler came out of the front seat of the moving van, the first thing he did was look around his surroundings. It was as if he was examining the neighbourhood, his new home. When his eyes were approaching my direction, I don’t know why, but I instantly hid under the makeshift table of my treehouse. He was looking at my direction for quite some time, I didn’t know whether I should have revealed myself or not. Just as I was about to, his eyes wandered towards a different direction.
“Taylor, enough fighting the pirates now. Come down and help me with the pie.” My mom shouted from the screen door.
“Okay mom! Coming down!!!” I called back.
I hurried down the ladder and ran to the kitchen. I couldn’t stop thinking of the boy who lived beside our house. Why he was so quiet, why he was so observant, why he looked at the treehouse for so long, and why he had this sad look on his eyes. I had this blank expression on my face, one that my mother found odd.
“Taylor, what’s bothering you?”
“What? Oh… uhh… nothing… I’m just thinking about this song I heard recently. It was sad.”
“Okay then, while you’re thinking about it, I want you to deliver this pie over to the new neighbours.”
“WHAT?” How did she know we had new neighbours? She was in the kitchen the entire morning!
“Yeah, we have new neighbours. One of my office mates told me she had a sister looking for a new house to live in. I told them we had a vacant house beside ours, so why not?” Oh…
“Uhh ok yeah. Pie. Neighbours.” I dashed for the door.
knock knock
I knocked twice. Nobody answered. I was beginning to turn around when the door opened. It was Tyler.
“Hey, uh. My name’s Taylor. My mom told me to give you guys these. She baked them herself, I hope you like it.” I said without pausing for a breath.
“Thanks. I’m Tyler.” He was going to close the door, clearly he didn’t want to talk.
“H-h-hey! Tyler, let’s be friends! You can come over! I mean… if you want to…” Oh God! Why was the eleven - year - old me so awkward?
“Yeah sure” His eyes lit up.
“Great!!! Wanna come over later? I’ll make sure to leave space in the tree house for dinner.”
“Thanks. I’ll have to ask my mother.” Hesitation.
“See you later Tyler! I’ll tell my mom to make lotsa food!” No way he could have said no to that, right?
“I guess so. See you later.” He smiled and closed the door.
I made a new friend. Not bad for an awkward eleven – year - old.
September 2013
Tyler was late. It was 9:25am and five minutes to our first class as middle schoolers. I wonder why he couldn’t have just walked to school with me.
Tay: the heck u @?
Ty: otw 2 school.
Tay: tf??? Why couldn’t we have just walked together again?
Ty: Busy. Dad.
Tay: ah. Again? U ok? Just hurry tf up.
Ty: what class is first?
Tay: idk. No one’s here yet.
Ty: means I’m not fuckin l8.
Tay: by 5 mins. Tf are u?
Ty: door.
Tay: door?
Tyler just walked through the front door and chose the seat I saved him next to mine. He’s wearing his jacket again… I wonder what happened this time. At least he wasn’t late, right?
“Are you sweating?” I asked.
“Isn’t it obvious? You told me to hurry up. I ran.” He smirked.
“WHAT???” Did he seriously just run three blocks? In a thick black jacket??
“You did tell me to hurry up… At least I’m not late right?” His sarcasm will be the death of him!
“I swear to god!” I was about to slap him in the head when the teacher came in.
“Oh boy, Tyler Johnson I am SO not done with you yet!” I whispered, glaring at those mischievous hazel brown eyes.
Class was over and Tyler and I were walking home. He was unusually silent. As silent as how I first met him. Why? What happened to him this time? What did his dad do this time? Did whatever happened explain Tyler’s silence? Does it explain why he hasn’t taken off his jacket in class despite him sweating like he just came from the shower? I wanted to hug him and tell him that nobody was going to harm him as long as I was by his side. Who was I kidding, how could I have protected him that time? By coming over to his house all the time? By inviting him over all the time? That wouldn’t do. It would work on some days, but not all days.
“Yo! Ty, tree house?”
“Yeah. Tree house.” And those hazel eyes came back to life.
We walked in silence to my house. We climbed up to the little tree house my dad built for me when I was a child. That tree house used to be my fortress, and it somehow became Tyler’s secret haven for the past few years. We’d hang out and watch the stars, we’d talk about life and the silly little things we do, and we’d watch movies till our mothers told us it was time to go to bed. It was our little space ship amid the twinkling stars.
“Taylor…” he whispered.
“Yeah? What’s wrong?”
“My dad… He hit me again…” His eyes fill up with tears.
“Why? What new drug has gotten into his system to think that it’s okay to physically abuse his son?”
“I-I don’t know Taylor, I just want him to wake up that William is dead, and that I can never be William!” William? Who’s William?
“Tyler? Who is William?”
“My Brother. He died before we moved here..” He sobs.
“Are you okay? Are you cold? You’re shaking.” I wanted to hug him.
“I’m fine. I just want to sleep.”
“Okay, let’s go down now~”
“NO!” He yells.
“What?”
“I mean no! Let’s just stay here please. Can we sleep here?”
“Yeah. I’ll go down and tell mom.”
Mom knows the situation in their household, she knows why Tyler is always here or why I’m always there. Tyler’s dad tends to put up a fake mask whenever there are people around who aren’t related to his family. Maintaining the perfect family vibe, is what he’s trying to do.
"tch. perfect family vibe my ass." I managed to whisper out loud.
"Huh? What did you say?"
"Nope. I didn't say anything." I didn't want him to know that I thought his family was toxic.
April 16, 2016
I was sixteen when Tyler confessed his love for me. It was on my 16th birthday at my house. It was nighttime, and we managed to escape the party and hid inside the tree house. We were lying down and talking about when his father decided to leave their household last year because he fooled around with another woman. Tyler's family was happier now. Just him, his mom, and me. His mother considered me as an adopted daughter to their family. I was always around, I was Tyler's best friend. His mom wouldn't mind a bit if Tyler was anywhere as long as I was with him. Tyler was happy, at least he seemed to be happier than he was when his father was around.
I was sixteen when I realized that I was in love with Tyler too.
"Tyler. You never told me what happened to William."
"Oh, I just realized that too." he sat up.
"I never bothered asking because I realized that William was a sensitive topic."
"It's okay. I just prefer not talking about him. But since we're practically family... I'll tell you." Why was he sad whenever William was the topic.
"He died in a car crash. My dad was driving, we came from watching a movie. William was smart. He was always top in his class. He was in senior year, heading off to college away from home. We spent our last night as a complete family watching a movie..." he paused.
"It's okay. Breathe." Why did I have this feeling that I wanted to protect him, no matter what?
"It was my idea to watch a movie..." He looked down, and his gaze had some distance. Almost as if he was physically here, but mentally reliving that moment in his life.
"Oh... Is that why your dad blames you for his death?
"Yeah. pretty much...I'm over it. He's gone anyways."
"It's about time that fucker left your house!!!!"
"He's still my father, whatever he does."
"Tyler??? He physically abused you for years!" I yelled.
"AND I TAKE IT!!" He yelled back.
"Y-you what?" I don't get it...
"I take it because it's his way of coping."
"How the actual fuck?" Coping how???
"He may be blaming me on the outside, deep down he blames himself. He was the one driving. He was the one who was supposed to look at the road."
I fell silent... I never thought of it that way.
"Is that why you always took the beatings?"
"Yeah." Oh Tyler.... If only you had told me the reason why...
"Taylor... I wanna tell you something..."
“Go. Shoot!”
“No. It’s nothing. Never mind.” He shifted his position and went outside to the balcony of the treehouse. I followed him.
“Tell me, It’s okay. I’ll always be here to listen.” I smiled and wrapped my arm around his shoulder.
“That’s the thing. You’re always here for me when I need you… heck even if I don’t need you.”
“Uh? Are you getting suffocated by my presence? You could just tell me to leave you know!”
“NO! I mean… I uh… I want you to stay by my side… but what I mean is… I don’t want us to be friends anymore.” I didn’t understand
“What? What the fuck? You want me out of your life?” I could have looked mad and tough on the outside, but I really wanted to burst into tears.
“Taylor! I want you to be my girlfriend! I love you!”
“W-w-what?”
He wasn’t kidding. He rarely spoke those three words out loud. I didn’t know how to react. I just sat there, gazing at the stars. THe moon was unusually large that night.
"Do you love me?" I stared at him wide-eyed.
"Ty... I... I don't know what to say."
"Just get straight to the point."
"I don't know how I feel about you... I mean, I'm not sure."
"It's okay. You love me."
"Wh-"
"I can see it in your eyes Taylor. Don't lie. You feel the same, you're just scared. Don't worry, I won't leave you."
He smiled.
He came closer and held me in his arms. I don't know how long we embraced, but I know I felt safe. Safe in his arms.
May 2019
It was a sunny morning at Singapore City. I was walking along Changi airport, I was on my way to meet up with Tyler. I took the bus to Marina Bay Sands, where I was supposedly meeting Tyler. Since he started college in Singapore, it was harder for me to reach him. He left our hometown for Asia because he wanted a change in scenery. A new beginning. I, on the other hand, went to study Culinary Arts in Strasbourg, France. Long distance relationships always seemed like something I could never sustain, but here we are today. There were days when I missed Tyler so much, I couldn’t do anything about it but send an email all the way to Singapore. The time difference of 6 hours didn’t help at all. It was last month when we decided to meet up after so long. I flew all the way to Singapore from Strasbourg to celebrate our official 3rd year anniversary. We were together since April, but we had only told our parents about half a month later. Our official anniversary was celebrated on May 4. I couldn’t wait to meet Tyler again!
Tyler: Hey beautiful! Turn around…
Taylor: I missed u! <3 J’et t’aime mon amour!
Tyler: Pls dnt speak french 2 me…
Taylor: Dnt speak asian to me. lol. where r u?
Tyler: behind u. the good looking guy by the railings...
And there he was. In a light blue, long - sleeved polo. His dark blue, satin necktie and black slacks suited him so well. His ginger hair was unusually well kept, and he was no longer the messy little boy who I used to chase pirates with back home at the back yard. He was no longer the sad and depressed boy from high school who couldn’t speak a word; unless completely necessary. He was this picture perfect man, who looked so ready to conquer the world one step at a time. I love him. I ran to him as if my life depended on it, I ran to him and embraced him for so long… long enough to make the conservative locals look at us. But we didn’t mind at all.
“I missed you so much Taylor!”
“Happy Anniversary Tyler!” I brought out the cookies I baked the night before I left for Singapore.
“Shall we?” he gestured me to follow him.
He brought me to dinner at a fancy restaurant at Marina Bay Sands, I could see the famous tourist spot with the man-made-tree-like-figures.
“Hey, what’s that place?” I pointed out to Tyler.
“Oh. That? Gardens by the Bay… Why?”
“Let’s go there next time I visit!”
“Yeah sure, why not?”
Three years ago, on this day, Tyler and I became more than just best friends. It took quite a while for us to tell our parents because we didn’t want them to disapprove of me sleeping at Tyler’s house or vice versa. When we did though, my mother was all over the place giving me advice on how not to get pregnant, my dad kept telling mom that I should enjoy my own relationship… Tyler’s mom on the other hand was quite lax. She didn’t mind at all, she apparently saw this coming and was preparing herself for a wedding announcement. Three years later, who would have thought I would be at Singapore trying to recreate the good old days when distance wasn’t a problem for us. I missed the days when Tyler and I lived a few steps away from each other, when we needed each other, we would text each other our secret word “treehouse.” College can be draining and depressing, and it doesn’t help that my boyfriend is six-hours and kilometers away from my reach.
“Why so serious?” he asked.
“I’m just so happy that we’re together again.”
“Me too. I love you.”
“Where are we going on Next year’s anniversary?”
“Should I be the one to go to Strasbourg this time?”
That lit up my world. Right after he mentioned that, I was imagining all the things we could do in the city of love. From Strasbourg, we could go to Paris and do all the romantic things that couples do. We could have a picnic by the Eiffel tower, stroll along the streets of Strasbourg, and tour around the Louvre, we could visit the Godiva factory and grab some free chocolate, Tyler loves chocolate. I was excited! I couldn’t wait for next year!
For the rest of the day, Tyler toured me around Singapore, he brought me to Universal Studios where we rode the scariest roller coaster ride of my life!! We walked around the Peranakan museum which was full of wonderful houses, we met a furry friend along the way, a corgi named XiaoXiao. Tyler explained to me that “Xiao” meant small in mandarin chinese. Then he went on explaining to me about how Singapore has a diverse set of residents. It was quite amazing to know how these different people could live among each other harmoniously. I wish it was like that everywhere in the world, but I guess we can’t always get what we want. We had dinner at a Subway branch at Nathan Road and bought some ice cream at a Ben & Jerry’s stall nearby. We strolled along Little India and bought some cute shawls (or whatever those are called) from a very kind Indian lady who, surprisingly, spoke English very well. She was telling Tyler and I about her son who was imprisoned for being a gang leader in his high school, and how she felt really bad that she couldn’t do anything about it. I found my eyes swelling up with tears as she was explaining how she thought it was her fault that her son had gone rogue. Deep down, was so glad that Tyler hadn’t gone rogue after everything with his dad. After that eventful conversation, we went back to Tyler’s condo so I could rest for a while since my flight was at 5am the next day…
“Today was fun.” I said.
“Thanks for coming over Taylor.”
“I wish I could stay longer.”
“Even if you stayed, you wouldn’t see me so often. Class is very demanding.” he mentioned as he went out to the balcony.
“It doesn’t hurt to wish, right?” I laughed.
“Dream on girl!” he chuckled back.
“I should probably rest in a while.” I say as I open a bottle of champagne beside and follow him out to the balcony.
“Yeah. You should.”
“Lie down beside me?” I asked.
“That’s an odd request...” he smirked.
“I just want to feel you beside me one last time before I go back to sleeping alone.” I reasoned out.
“Okay?” he giggled mischievously as we went back to the room.
“Good night Tyler..”
“Good night Taylor.”
“I love you.” I said for the last time, before he fell asleep beside me. The feeling reminded me of the good old days where we snuggled up in the treehouse. Back then, our troubles weren’t as big as our troubles now. But feeling Tyler beside me, gives me this warm feeling inside. I basked in that feeling and slept with a smile on my face that night.
January 2023
Sometimes, you think you know a person at the back of your hand. I thought I knew my best friend Tyler like the back of my hand. I was wrong. I am twenty-three years old and I have just received news that my best friend, Tyler, took his own life. I don’t know why. I never asked how. Suicide. Tyler. Two words that I still can’t get out of my head. I have never felt so useless in my life! I still can’t breathe, I still can’t see, I still can’t feel my own body… Tyler. Suicide. Why? Tyler, why??
“What made you do it?!?!” I recount the days, the months, the years. He never mentioned anything to me. Why? I could have helped him out of it! I could have done something! Something that could have prevented a tragedy such as suicide. Nobody can really tell if a person is depressed or not, some see signs; yet some do not. What happened Tyler?
Did you even love me at all? if you did, why did you leave me?
------------------------------------------------------- The End --------------------------------------------------------
Kryć (Polish):
Meaning: hide, conceal, mask, disguise, cover off, veil.