Very imaginative! I wouldn't have thought an espionage story would be inspired by the picture, but just goes to show the merits of both the picture and your imagination. Your writing style is very strong, and I admire how you made the dialogue seem very natural. The sweeping action sequence at the end was the highlight of the story.
We actually format our writing exactly the same way. Exactly the same. So, that's already an automatic upvote from where I stand. Nice job @sunjata! I'll expect only great things from here on in.
Thanks, @jedau, it's nice to meet my Formatting Twin. I was inspired both by @thebluepanda's photo and by the old European spy novels that I'd read, where a whole underworld exists against the backdrop of beautiful European cities - so, oddly, my first thought on thinking about that photo in terms of a story was "what can't we see going on here?"
I'm glad you liked the action sequence. Actually one of the things that I've consciously been trying to add to my writing recently (with this and my ongoing crime series The Horse Van) is a sense of momentum. Writing a nice sentence and putting your nice sentences in a compelling order that keeps people reading are definitely two separate skills, and writing 'genre-y' fiction helps with the craft of keeping things moving, writing stories etc.
Oh, yeah, I totally agree. Currently, I'm trying to sharpen my action sequence skills, so it's nice to read pieces where I can draw inspiration from. Keep it up!
Momentum is right! This piece was great for demonstrating that. The tension starts ratcheting up almost immediately. It reminds me of the beginning of a roller-coaster ride, where you're being pulled up to the top of the first hill. You've got this mix of excitement and dread that peaks right when you teeter on the edge, and then the rush of the ride - which is sudden and over before you know it. I think it's an apt analogy for this piece you've got here.
As far as constructive criticism, I think some of the action might be a little unclear and hard to follow. That's partly because you're seeing it through the eyes of the narrator, who's stationed out of the action on the balcony. To some extent, the confusion adds to the tension of the story, so the lack of clarity can actually be an asset if you're looking to elicit a certain response in a reader - and it's something you definitely accomplish here.
Thanks @beowulfoflegend, that's really nice feedback. So, yeah, confusion is kind of the effect I was going for. I wanted the reader to have that feeling of being stuck, the whole time, in the room with the main character as he watched his carefully laid plan come apart.
But, at the same time, that's a bit of a cop-out because I find it much easier to write a 'this is confusing' scene than a scene where exciting stuff is happening, but you still know exactly what's going on. In general, I just think it's hard to convey lots of information, quickly, without overloading the senses. If you think of action movies now, it's hardly ever possible to see what's going on, but that confusion just gets covered up with a lot of pyrotechnics. That's what made Mad Max: Fury Road such a masterpiece: so much going on, and you knew what was happening all the time. It was incredible, and I guess that's the model I'd aspire to when writing an action sequence - it will take a lot of practice, though.